two years and 301 posts

Two years ago tomorrow I created this blog and had no idea if anyone would ever read it. Of course I started writing for me, though I knew there was an incredible web of support out in the blogosphere and I only wished I had found it years earlier.

Why did I begin? Why do I keep on writing? I think I’ve said it all before, but it bears repeating. Connection. Compassion. Understanding. Affirmation. Solidarity. Friendship. Therapy. Why do I keep reading your stories? For the same reasons. To witness. To share and support. To abide. To learn and grow.

Telling my story helps me work through it. Somehow it enables me to live more thoughtfully, with greater intention. While I don’t write everything down here — who does? — this space has become a safe haven for me to contemplate, process, vent and reflect.

Certainly this blog has seen some powerful transformation as my journey to parenthood evolved over time.

Two years ago I was investing my energy in futile treatments and pondering an uncertain future. I was optimistic, hopeful. Yet I was also afraid of our fast dwindling options. I hit my breaking point the following spring and was suddenly facing a life without children. I may have felt alone then, but I had more support than ever here in these pages.

When we decided to shift our path from trying to conceive to hoping to adopt, I was so grateful to have this outlet and such tremendous support. This time last year, I was just into the realm of The Wait. Without this space and the connections I’ve made through reading other blogs, I think I would have found it much more challenging to take that leap of faith and embrace the uncertainty inherent in family building when it is beyond your control.

Perhaps there is some kismet in the fact that on my one year blogoversary last year, we had our very first contact with K. It was also my father’s birthday, which was serendipitous since it was his parting gift that helped make our adoption possible. This year, we will travel to visit my ailing mother. Full circle.

As my story has evolved, so too has this space. I’ve never had a ton of readers, but my readership has changed over time. I’ve lost some along the way as my path shifted from failed treatment to adoption. I imagine it could be difficult to read about someone who gave up all hope of “success.” And I know how bittersweet it can be to read about becoming a new mother when you’re in the thick of despair and longing. You click away. I know I have. Paths diverge. Yet I have gained other readers along the way too. Some are interested in the shift to adoption. Some are inspired by our story — i.e., saying that if I could move from grief and hopelessness to hope and joy, well, maybe they could too.

Although I will never have a million hits a day or month or year even, it is gratifying to see how interest in my story has evolved. My heaviest traffic used to be for failed cycles. That changed when I started writing about our transition to adoption, with the announcement of Baby J’s birth surpassing all other days by far. I love hearing from new readers and was thrilled when so many of you came out to request the password for select posts such as Baby J’s birth story.

While I may never have hundreds of comments on a single post, I love reading each and every one. They don’t just demonstrate your incredible support. Your comments have made me think. They have enabled me to feel heard and understood. They have held me up and helped me process. They have made me smile and laugh. Your wonderful wishes when Baby J was born and when I shared the first image of her when I had no words were like a shower of blessings. More recently, I was moved by the kindness and support you expressed when I announced my mother’s illness, and by how you continue to abide on those dark days.

I should add that in two years of blogging, (so far) I have only received two negative comments that stung. Both were related to adoption. While I did not publish them, I did attempt to respond to engage the commenters in a dialogue. Clearly that was not their intent, as both left bogus email addresses. This served to remind me that we won’t always agree, but we do need to respect each other’s views, or why are we even here?

I’ve never been the most prolific blogger, and I’m not sure why I find it so amusing that I hit these landmarks on some sort of schedule when it is actually completely random. This is post number 301, after reaching 201 posts at one year, and 101 posts at six months.

Throughout it all, it has been profoundly powerful to know I am not alone on this path, whether the news is joyful or devastating. The support and friendship I’ve found is simply invaluable. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I only hope that I can give back a part of what you have so generously given to me. I am so grateful.

~ by luna on December 10, 2009.