This blog was launched in December 2007 as I was still waiting to become a mama, after six years of trying every way I could.
We struggled for so long to ultimately build our family, lost one beloved baby boy halfway to term and countless shattered hopes along the way. We faced a combination of (in)fertility problems that created seemingly insurmountable odds against my conceiving and delivering a real live baby. I had five surgeries in six years. In December 2007, I embarked on my last best chance to finally become a mama through in vitro fertilization (IVF). It failed.
Yet thankfully and with great joy, our journey to parenthood continued through the path of domestic open adoption. In Spring 2008, our path was diverted from trying to conceive to waiting to adopt. In May 2009, we welcomed our beloved daughter Baby Jaye into our lives and hearts through a fully open adoption. Since she was entrusted to our care, never has there been a doubt that the universe somehow brought us together at just the right moment.
This blog began as an online journal to explore the profound effects of infertility and to document our last efforts to conceive after years of lost hope. It has also provided an outlet to process lingering grief over losing our son at 21 weeks gestation due to pre-term premature rupture of the membrane (P-PROM) in February 2006. Today it remains a space for musing on the persistent and pervasive impact of infertility and loss, as well as renewed hope and the reality of (finally) becoming mother to the most amazing daughter through open adoption, and once more after a most unexpected high risk pregnancy at age 42.*
The words, images and emotions captured here chronicle my efforts to build our family, our journey through the domestic open adoption process, and finally, the joy of parenting in a fully open adoption and through birth after infertility and loss.
This is life as I see it from here, on the edge of whatever the future may hold…
More about me? I’m 38 39 (holy crap, I’m) 40
41 42 43 years much older now and live in the San Francisco Bay Area with my wonderful husband, the (still) Amazing M (now called Mac). We both work to try to make the world a healthier place. While I have a fantastic and rewarding job, my real dream was to become a stay-at-home-mama. After we welcomed our daughter to the world and our family, I was able to stay at home for a while. Yet now I’m a part time working mama, juggling child care, a career, family and life.
When I started this blog I said, “Time is running out, and I’m still hoping it’s not too late…” Well, I may be one of the oldest preschool moms now, but now I’m also among the most grateful.
*Edited (September 2011): The postscript I never in a million years thought I’d ever write. This blog — having explored my journey through infertility, grief, adoption and parenting — in 2011 followed a most unanticipated twist with a very unexpected high risk pregnancy against all odds at age 42. Perhaps the only people more shocked than Mac and I were my doctors. I gave birth to our second daughter Baby Z in early September 2011, at 33 weeks and 3 days gestation. An emergency 911 call and two ambulance rides later, I was forced to deliver preterm due to serious complications from severe placenta previa and accreta. After 20 days in the NICU (for Z) and a c-section and hysterectomy (for me, fair trade), we are finally all home together. A foursome. A tremendous journey with magnificent miracles along the way.
These are words I never thought I’d write when I started this blog in December 2007:
Our family is finally complete.
I hope yours will be too, some day.
All rights reserved. life from here: musings from the edge. 2007-2013