first steps

It’s interesting moving in this new direction. We’re moving from hopeless to hopeful, from powerless to becoming empowered. It is very much a new light. 

As I’ve heard from so many others, it feels different. For now, there is forward motion. There are things within our control that must be done — forms to be completed, tough questions to be considered, books to read, support groups to attend. 

While we may not be truly prepared for the wait and other uncertainties, it feels in a real sense that we are taking the first true steps towards building our family, when before we were merely spinning in circles or at a standstill. This is positive movement. 

I don’t think we could have come to this point any other way. Unless the best experts had told me years ago that I had no chance whatsoever of conceiving or carrying a child, I would have done all I could to try. I have no regrets or anger over trying. I believed in the chance. I’m just done failing. I’m ready to reclaim my body and life.  

I’ve already done so much grief work, dealing with infertility and losing our son. I was guided by a professional grief counselor, I did a lot of reading and writing, I leaned into the strong support of a small online community. I continue to reflect on and write about my ongoing process here.

Yet I must keep moving forward. I am ready to let go. 

I have complete confidence in my capacity to parent — to selflessly love and care for a child that has been entrusted to us, to ensure that his/her interests and well-being are paramount. It is this faith that enables me to see so clearly how ready we are to embrace adoption as the means to build our family. 

A long journey still lies ahead. I can not say the hardest part is the first step. Dealing with the things beyond our control will no doubt be much more difficult.

“We don’t receive wisdom. We must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.”  Marcel Proust

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~ by luna on June 22, 2008.

15 Responses to “first steps”

  1. That really is wonderful. Reading this…you almost sound like a different person. Congratulations on making decisions and taking steps forward.

  2. Amazing, Luna. I’m actually kinda weepy reading this — it’s a sad and monumental thing to put down the apple and pick up the orange. And like you so clearly state, it’s an entirely different journey unto itself with hidden obstacles. I hope you keep journaling it here, and I also hope you know you have my unflagging support on this new path, too.

  3. I love that Marcel Proust quote — I had it up on my wall for years in high school and college. I am so happy to hear you sounding so hopeful about moving forward in a new direction. Your child (or children) will be very lucky to have such a wonderful mother.

  4. I’m so happy for you for your decision. Best best wishes.

  5. I am so, so very happy for you, and I know you’re going to make a fabulous parenting team and a huge difference in some lucky child’s life. I can’t wait to hear more about this new road!

  6. “I’m just done failing. I’m ready to reclaim my body and life.” This is such a powerful thought, and I’m so happy that you are ready to act on it!

  7. My dear Luna, I wish nothing but the best for you as you embark on this new path.

    As Shinejil has just said, you and the Amazing M will make wonderful parents.

  8. “I have complete confidence in my capacity to parent — to selflessly love and care for a child that has been entrusted to us, to ensure that his/her interests and well-being are paramount.”

    I love this sentence. I think you both will be great parents. Wishing you the best in the process and hope it is as smooth as it can get.

  9. I love the way Tash put it, about putting down the apple and picking up the orange.

    And ditto Shinejil, too!

  10. Oh, that is just wonderful! I feel so uplifted by your hope and excitement over having found your way forward. Finding what’s right for you at this point must be so liberating. I’m so happy for you.

  11. Thank you for your comment on my blog today. I am looking forward to getting to know you.

  12. Good for you for deciding when enough is enough. I struggle with the question of how long I can endure the emotional and physical rigors of IF. When is enough enough? For me, I don’t know.

  13. Knowing when and how to move can be so tricky. Some people have no issues with ti other struggle .I know your decisions have been the result of much soul-searching, grieving and reflection. I sincerely hope you toughest days are behind you.

  14. I’m so happy to see you grounded and confident in this step forward. I can tell that it feels right for you and that’s a beautiful thing.

  15. I find myself quite excited for you, Luna. We all need a little hope. I wish you nothing but the best as you move forward.

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