five years here

Five years here.

In spite of my best intentions, I don’t think I can justifiably call myself a real blogger anymore, sadly. I think you actually have to write to be a bona fide blogger, not necessarily one who earns money but one who simply writes. You can’t merely think about writing; you actually have to do it.

At the moment there are several solid posts swirling around in my head ~ thoughts and ideas requiring contemplation and clarification, words that need articulation. I process so much through the written word that my thoughts themselves become stunted when I don’t take the time to sit and focus, to tease them out by stringing words together, often in a big jumbled mess yet sometimes like the free flow of water rushing through a stream. And I truly miss it ~ the time I once had to write and the act of writing itself, and especially the connection created through the power of shared words.

Five years ago tomorrow I began sharing words in these pages. No doubt it was one of the best things I’ve done for myself, ever. Nearing 40, childless and infertile, grieving the loss of our son, losing hope, I felt alone ~ trying and failing to build my family, struggling to reconcile my infertility and life, to overcome my body’s betrayal, searching for understanding and compassion, seeking information, affirmation. I just needed to write, to reach out, to connect.

In the first six months I wrote 101 posts (including an all-time favorite from five years ago this week). By one year I had another 100 posts (201 total). Coincidentally, my first blogoversary was also the first day we heard from Kaye, our future daughter’s birth mom. At two years, I had another 100 posts (301) and a six month old baby. By three years, I had a toddler and was lucky to write a few times a month. Then last year on my fourth blogoversary, I was still in shock with an unexpected preemie at home and barely able to catch a breath with an energetic 2.5 year old. Still, I tried to convey my gratitude for the readers and friends who had stood with me for so long:

“Without you, I don’t know how I would have survived these past four years — ranging from the deepest sorrowful lows of infertility, to the uncertainty and complexity throughout our adoption, to the confusion and angst associated with this most recent pregnancy, and now the joys and challenges of parenting after infertility and loss. The compassion, connection and understanding your support has provided has been tremendous, invaluable. Ironically, there really are no words.”

Today, I’m barely able to publish a word. Yet I am no less grateful for this space and the amazing people I have encountered along this journey. The evolution of this blog has reflected that of my journey to parenthood, moving beyond what I thought my life was ‘supposed to be’ to embrace the unbelievable awe and beauty that is. Five years ago, while I always hoped for hope, I never could have imagined my life today.

There is still so much to say. Yet these days I find myself reading far more than writing. Honestly, I lack the time, energy and focus to write, with so many interruptions and compelling distractions. Most days I am nearly exhausted. Aside from one glorious weekend, I haven’t slept more than about three hours at once in over 15 months. That’s over 450 days with very little sleep. Between two small children and trying to take a few hours of work when I can get it, most days there is just too little left to bring here. My challenge in the new year will be to bring it more often, to make that time, to finish those half drafts and start those unwritten words flowing. It won’t be easy, with so many things I should be doing instead. And so for now, to bed.

Rather than sending anniversary wishes, please be so kind as to share something about your own writing process. It can be something to get yourself in the right frame of mind, some sort of inspiration, something you compromise to make time to write, or perhaps something you gain from stringing those words together. Anything. And if you don’t write, then maybe share why you follow along?

Thank you ~ for this, and everything else along the way. xo

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~ by luna on December 10, 2012.

36 Responses to “five years here”

  1. I keep a journal and it is in the process of writing that I clarify my thoughts, quiet my anxieties and make sense of my life. It is absolutely essential to my mental/emotional health.
    I follow along here because you write so beautifully, and you are so honest in the sharing of your story. Every post breaks my heart and at the same time gives me hope.
    I do hope you can write more next year, but I say that selfishly… only write if it is in your heart and your energy levels to do so.

    • thanks so much for this. I used to journal a lot but blogging sort of took over when I needed it. agreed though, that process is so important for our well being. thanks for reading!

  2. I started following along because I stumbled upon your blog and you wrote so well and had such a compelling way of writing- this was early on just before you heard from Kaye I believe. And, you spoke of an area in the world I considered to be near to “home” thought I lived what seemed a world away. You made “home” come alive and I could nod along and feel a tug of familiarity as I read. I also am an avid reader. I’m the person who read the cereal box, or anything else nearby just to have something to read so once I got hooked that was it. Then, there was Kaye, and Jaye and how could I not keep reading?

    Last year, around the time you discovered your surprise, we moved “home” and still I delight in reading along. I comment occasionally, but mostly, I’m not a person who shares my writing, much happier to lose myself in someone else’s.

    Chris

    • thanks so much for this. I also often prefer losing myself in the words of others, one reason why I’ve been reading more than writing these days. thanks for following along. and welcome home!

  3. I follow along because I very much like your writing and your perspective of adoption. And I do not even have my own blog (so no advice on the writing process from my side, unfortunately…) neither have I adopted, but I have two little boys that are also 2,5 years apart.
    Just listening, usually not commenting.
    My best wishes to you!

  4. I love that you are still here, even if it’s infrequent. Look at you, hitting a five year milestone. And to think about how much life has changed in that time.

    My writing process is to write daily — and yes, I do count the moments I am writing in my head. I do a lot of writing while I drive the car or take a shower. And it’s all legitimate. It’s all just loving words.

    Happy blogoversary!

    • mel, I remember sending you the link to my blog when I first hit publish. I was so excited to be included on the blogroll and announced in the LCFA!

      most of my “writing” lately has been mostly those unwritten thoughts in my head, ideas for posts, fleshing thoughts out. I used to jot things down in a notebook or pad but I rarely even do that anymore. I need to get back in to the habit. I miss it so much. thanks for everything, btw. xo

  5. I can so identify with everything you say here: with the energetic toddler, with taking a few hours of work here and there … and with somehow feeling simply too tired to write. I get stuck on reading, too … and commenting … and not feeling like I have time to do both well. Maybe we can poke each other occasionally in the new year. I do well with external motivators. 😉

    NaBloPoMo was useful, in the sense that I felt *had* to write, and once I got in the habit, I kept writing. I think that’s definitely one of the secrets to success!

    • thanks, justine. external motivators are good. I like writing prompts sometimes, but I still need to be pushed. it can be so hard with the little ones, with the pressure to feel like I should be doing something else. I agree making it a habit would help. thanks again!

  6. Happy 5 years! That is huge and though we have been in and out of each others orbits over the years, I too am grateful to have found your voice here and that our shared loss and than renewed hope has connected us.

    I have found that writing begets writing… The more often I write the more compelled I feel to do so. I do some of my best writing on my phone late at night in my notes app. I tend to feel the most inspired around bedtime, which isn’t ideal for me, primarily being a SAHM with a family of early risers. But I tend to let myself stay up late and right once a week or so and than steal other moments when I can. Mel taught me awhile back that even trying to prioritize writing for just 15 minutes a day can be enough to get us/keep us going in the beginning when we are trying to get in the routine of writing.

    When I started blogging in April 2007 I never dreamed how much I would grow to love to write and express myself this way. However, like you my blogging has ebbed and flowed. I wrote a ton in 2007 and 2008, less, but still a good amount in 2009 and then very little in 2010 (the year after Abby was born). In 2011 I recommitted myself to writing/blogging more often and haven’t looked back since. But I still have times when I write more and less.

    Anyway, congratulations on 5 years and looking forward to many more years of your writing! If you resolve to write more here in the new year, I will resolve to visit, read and comment more here! 😉

    • yes kathy, I’m so glad we connected too! most of my best blogging is definitely at night too, after everyone is asleep. it seems to be the only time that is truly my own. but definitely not ideal with a little one that wakes every 3hrs (or less). but it’s true — writing does beget writing and it’s a discipline to make that time. (that mel is a smart one.) thanks for this and for following along!

  7. I don’t consider myself a writer. I’ve never journaled. I do enjoy my blog and writing there. I often find that I need to write several posts and date them out to publish later in order to get all the thoughts out of my head.
    I follow along here because I enjoy your very articulate and thoughtful phrases and writing.

    • thanks for your comment. I also will start writing one post and turn it into two or three, as my thoughts diverge or a post gets too long. problem is, I don’t often publish the other drafts because I’ll lose interest or it’s not timely anymore. or I’m just too lazy to revisit them. sigh. thanks again!

  8. Oh, to have the you of that all-time favorite post sit down with the you of today.

    I’m so happy about your 5 years, and that I’ve spent all of them frequenting this space. Kudos!

    Do you want to know my writing process?

    It all comes down to this: getting the kids dressed and fed in the morning and sending them off to school.

    Tee hee! It will happen all in good time. The minutes and hours now go so slowly at this stage (except for the moments you’re sleeping) but the years fly by. I’ll be reading here every time you hit Publish.

    • ha! I like your process. but here’s the thing. by then I’ll probably have to get another job and then I fear I’ll never get back into blogging like I could before. it’s just so damn hard with the littles though.

      and oh, the things today’s me could say to the me of 5 years ago (and have me not believe them!). who knew?!

      I’m so happy that you’ve been here this whole time. definitely an unexpected bonus to make such wonderful friends through this space. thanks so much for everything, the least of which is reading along. xo

  9. Happy 5th! Though you don’t write often these days, I am always excited to see when you’ve posted something new and invariably find it meaningful and introspective.

    Structure is what gets me blogging regularly. Thoughtful Thursdays force me to write most Thursdays, and on my non-IF blog I post every day unless something is going wrong (as has been the case lately). But with my IF blog, the non-TT posts seem to be the ones that resonate most strongly either with me or with others. So perhaps inspiration would be better than routine? For quality maybe, but routine is good for maintaining blog relationships as well as some sense of voice.

    Looking forward to the next 5. 🙂

    • interesting the difference you note between inspired and routine posts. I agree on both fronts. it’s nice to have a regular feature or following, but it’s the other posts, the ones you just have to get out, that tend to resonate most. thanks so much for this, and for following along.

  10. I’m so glad you are still here. I know how life can intertrude on our silent, contemplative time (which is when I write) but even if you still just post occasionally, that’s more than OK by me. Your posts are of such quality (I loved the one about the end of the road so much) that when I get an email finding out you’ve posted something I get really excited because I know something special will be there. Congrats on this big milestone. I’m so happy this space is here.

  11. I can relate to this post so much. I rarely post on my blog any more and no longer feel like a blogger myself. I still follow along with some as I hate the feeling of losing a friendship that helped me so much during a very hard time of my life. Many I’ve connected with on Facebook which has been nice so I can still keep up some. For me, my day to day life probably seems dull to many hence the lack of regular blogging.

    • thanks michell. I do feel as though I’ve lost touch when I’m not here, even when I’m reading along somewhere else. it’s one of the wonderful benefits of blogging, that connection. thanks again!

  12. Sorry, you could not post a new post for months and you are still not coming off my “must read” list. You’re stuck.

    Seriously, happy ‘versary, Luna and may there be many, many more.

    writing process: I think through possible posts when I run. Sometimes focusing on one, sometimes several fall out. Some make it to a piece of scrap paper once I get back home (note to self! and then there are usually 4 or 5 words that I am sure will trigger my brilliant memory but usually I find it days later and go, wth was I thinking about pasta and dirty socks and windows? What does all of that mean????) So, yeah, I think thinking about writing counts. Finding some time to get it down is a bonus.

    • too sweet, thank you m.
      yes I imagine running would be a great time to ponder writing. I do it driving or in the shower, or while doing too many other things. but if i don’t write it down, it gets lost in the vast abyss of my mind. thinking helps, but writing it down is a definite bonus! and btw, get it down now because it gets harder with a wee one at home! many thanks again. xo

  13. I”m getting stuck in the same place as you. I wish I would have known about blogging when we started looking into adoption and IVF. Kami is actually the one that started a blog and invited me to follow along. Blogging led me to meet so many people that have similiar and very different stories. Now I just don’t have to passion to put up posts, plus it seems like everyone has went over to facebook which I don’t care for. I was trying one post a month and I”m already behind on that…..
    I love to follow your family’s story, I can appreciate how blessed you are and am just so happy that although you lost a son you do have 2 daughters.

    • thanks, leah. I know, I find myself on twitter and FB because it’s just easy. I don’t have to write anything complicated or explore and share tall those deep thoughts, just post a fun photo or get a single thought out of my head in just a few words.

      I do love linking to your updates for the photos, even when I don’t comment (if I did every time I’d just keep saying “what beautiful kids!”). and yes, I do feel immensely blessed. we both are!

  14. Happy 5 years. I have followed you since 2009 and have loved reading all your post. In 2009 we had dealt with infertility for 4 years and had no idea if I would ever become a mother. Now through IVF, I have a 3 years old daughter and twins on the way. Thank you for continuing to post! I enjoy reading all of them even if they are infrequent.

  15. If I remember correctly, you were the first person to ever comment on my blog. This was almost 4 1/2 years ago and since then, I have followed your story closely through the very ups and very downs. Aside from you being a remarkable writer who shares honestly, I have also followed as your oldest is close in age to my kiddo. I can certainly relate in being a no-show blogger, not due to lack of content or heart, but due to sheer exhaustion (and I only have one three-year-old!) I have also followed as we have one bio kid and are in a type of limbo where adoption is one of our considerations. Yours is the only blog I follow with a bio kid and kid who was adopted, so I love to see what that can look like and I love to hear the types of food for thought I can munch on for now. Thank you and happy anniversary! Now let me go back to my non-blogging with you!

    • how cool if I was your first commenter!
      thanks so much for this. I also find so much inspiration in how other families were joined together. wishing you well with your own next steps! and many thanks again!

  16. My writing process lately has been to do the NYTimes crossword puzzle in bed and then turn off the light.

    Thanks for being here 5 years, I consider you one of “my year” as it were although I think you’re much more prolific than I ever was. You’ve always been a wonderful voice to sink into and revel in and eventually, celebrate with. Much love, Luna!

    • yeah tash, our processes sound sort of similar. except I don’t even bother with the puzzle. heh.

      I do wonder what my grieving process would have looked like had I been blogging when our son died (I came it almost 2 years later). not that it would have been much different. I certainly would have been grateful to find your blog and all the others I started following then. I felt so damn alone at the time.

      thanks for your kind words, and yes it has been wonderful to revel with you too. xo

  17. Sorry I’m late to the blogosversary party. That’s how we
    Californians role (as you know) – always fashionably late. I
    started reading you when you were finding out about your pregnancy
    (not sure how I originally clicked over) and I kept reading because
    of your compelling story and your honest, thoughtful way of
    writing. I’m glad you still come here now and then, the blogosphere
    is richer for your words. Here’s to another five year, no matter
    how sporadically they may pass. 😉

  18. I write one paragraph at a time. like you we have a 3 yo who doesn’t get that sleeping thing. So when I write, its because I am inspired by a moment and don’t want to forget it. I write at night or during preschool time. I write mostly in email letters to friends. I feel that i forget how I felt or what happened if I don’t write it down. Best present to myself this past year – two 4-hour women writing workshops…ah, writing prompts, new people to meet, time to share what’s written or not…casual, fun and most important writing time! And a chance to remember what fun it is to write! I also play scribe to my daughter and write down stories she tells me. This way she might understand how fun writing is and understand when I am writing that its important for me.

    • love this: “I write one paragraph at a time.” yes, night time can be good for writing, when I’m not bone tired. I love the idea of playing scribe with your daughter. her teachers do it at school and I do it when she wants to write a card, but it’s a great idea for stories too. thanks! and thanks for following along.

  19. […] other with cough and cold. Yet a rough few days is just that. My life is so different than it was five years ago when I created this blog. What I feel in this moment is a tremendous sense of awe and deep […]

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