farewell 2007 (RIP)

To truly appreciate how awful 2007 has been, you should know how atrocious 2006 was.  The beginning of 2006 was so promising.  I was (finally) pregnant after a year and a half of trying, after major surgery and many doubts.  We thought our lives had turned a corner.  I was into the second trimester, just at the point where we actually thought we might bring this baby home, just as we began to envision his name and nursery.  We were in bliss.  But it didn’t last long, when less than 3 weeks into the new year, the shit hit the fan.  hard.  Suddenly I started spotting and leaking amniotic fluid.  a lot.  I consulted with three experts who agreed that my membrane had somehow ruptured and was unlikely to heal.  Prognosis fatal.  I went on 2 weeks of bedrest and hoped against all odds for a miracle.  Though I try not to put too much faith in experts, unfortunately they were right.  Sadly, I lost our baby boy on February 3, 2006, at 21 weeks (just about 5 months).  My body had failed.  A cruel twist of fate.  To say I was devastated vastly underestimates the power of grief.  It was a hell on earth.  The rest of 2006 was filled with tears, multiple surgeries, and futile efforts to try again.  

Now I know this isn’t supposed to be about 2006, but the point is we just didn’t think 2007 could possibly be any worse.  We thought it can only get better from here, right

In 2007, while our friends and family were busy growing their families, we were trying to get back in the saddle, emboldened by my new hoohah (free of fibroids with no visible scarring) and fixed up insides (cleared tubes and corrected adhesions).  We had so much hope for success.  There was no reason this wouldn’t work now.  We tried on our own for a few months.  Nada.  We did 3-4 IUIs between July and October.  Still nada.  We did more tests and learned that the Amazing M’s morphology was not that great.  Crap, yet another obstacle.  We researched IVF success rates.  We explored adoption.  We started domestic adoption paperwork.  We had creative financing discussions.  We stopped planning vacations.  In the meantime, we had several painful anniversaries — marking a year since our heartbreaking loss (which I spent under the knife, yet again), and what would have been our baby boy’s first birthday in June.

On top of it all, in the spring we unexpectedly lost both of our beloved animals who had been the object of our parental love and affection during their stay here on earth — an ornery yet lovable 17 year old kitty and the. best. dog. ever. who left us with no warning at just 5 years young.  Our bond with these amazing creatures ran deep.  He who’d curl up and purr on your lap to heal any hurt.  She who’d never fail to greet you with sheer joy, or to lick away my tears.  The sudden loss of our sweet pup was especially heartbreaking.  The most gentle being who loved loved loved babies, we just could not wait for her to meet and love ours.  As we lost our most faithful and loving friends, we realized this left us quite alone, for the first time since the Amazing M and I had been together…

Yet life went on.
While we battled every obstacle we encountered.  While we grieved every loss.  While we remained stuck.  While everyone we know who wanted a child — and even a few who hadn’t planned to yet — conceived or had one, or more.  And while our hearts were aching, we watched our friends grow ever more distant… Few understood or acknowledged our struggle.  Rare was the kind compassionate word or offer of support.  Gone were the genuine inquiries.  Perhaps after so long people simply didn’t know how to deal with us anymore.  Maybe they were just tired of hearing bad news.  We watched as those we loved grew uncomfortable about our situation.  Family and friends.  Even colleagues and strangers.  I felt as if we had a black cloud hanging over our heads.  I wondered what karmic cycle was playing out.  What other life lessons we still had to learn before we could nurture a living child.  

We had such little support.  I was grateful for a small network of friends I had encountered online who had also suffered late term losses.  Though our tragic misfortune brought us together, the connection I found with these extraordinary women I knew only “virtually” was astounding.  But in “real” life, the Amazing M and I felt alienated, grew isolated, and sought refuge in each other and in our cocoon.  We grew even closer, as a couple who experience tragedy or crisis inevitably must if they are to survive.  Grateful to have someone in the world who understood, we cherished each other and remained devoted to our dream.  And we said we would get through this. 

And so here we are today, on the edge of our last hope, our final frontier, taking a chance on a dream that has yet to come true.  Here we sit on the edge of the future — the unknown, the unknowable — and peer over the edge, willing ourselves the strength and grace to dream and soar, wherever we may land… 

May 2008 bring us all closer to our dreams…

and so I bid farewell (and an extra special good fucking riddance) to 2007! 

What are you saying goodbye to in 2007?  What are your dreams for 2008

~ by luna on December 27, 2007.

15 Responses to “farewell 2007 (RIP)”

  1. Gosh, your post made me cry.

    I try never to compare stories (and yours is worse, anyway), but it did strike such a chord. 2007 was an AWFUL year for my husband and I, so bad that like you, we couldn’t imagine that 2007 wouldn’t be better.

    2007 actually seems to be wrapping itself up nicely, but the first 11 months were hell. I am glad to say goodbye to 2007 and have high hopes FOR BOTH OF US that 2008 brings us what we dream of.

    My dream for 2008 is to have this pregnancy end with the BIRTH of at least one HEALTHY baby. That really doesn’t seem too much to ask.

    I hope that all of YOUR dreams come true.

  2. What a disastrous and sad few years these have been for you. May 2008 bring us all a little closer to our dreams. Mine are pretty simple — your basic peace, love, and understanding.

  3. It also reduced me to tears.

    I am so sorry that all this should have happened to you, and hope from the bottom of my heart that 2008 is a better year for you.

  4. I too am ready to say goodbye and good riddance to 2007- I am ready to push all the pain and hurt behind me (or at least to try) my hopes for the upcoming year is for happiness and peace, maybe for some healing of our broken dreams- things have to start turning around sometime, right?! I know one thing will be for sure because we are not trying at all this year- I will finally for the first time in three years not loose a child in 2008- so I guess I have one thing to look forward to- just one new anniversary, but no new losses-
    I am hoping that 2008 will be a better year for all of us- we all deserve it- we have been through enough pain and heartache- it is time for healing and growth and happiness.

  5. Delurking to say that I found your post very moving. 2007 was a mixed year for me, although on balance a happy one. But I teared up when I saw the pictures you posted — I lost my beloved kitty unexpectedly in February, and he was only 9. I hate that you’ve been through so much in the past two years and hope that 2008 brings you great joy.

  6. Well, that is a pretty crappy run you’ve had. I’m sorry seems trite but I genuinely am sorry.

    I am SO ready for this year to be over. My hope for 08 not only is an end to this IF crap, but also a return to the person I used to be…who was fun to be around, who didn’t burst into tears at the slightest provaction, and who wasn’t a bitter, nasty lady.

    Hope 2008 brings you everything you dream of

  7. This really moved me…having animals through this IF stuff has been the one way that I could prove to someone (God, myself???) that I truly can be (and deserve to be) a parent. I feel so horrible for everything you guys have been through and truly hope for nothing but health and happiness for your 2008.

  8. What a perfectly-written post (you have quite a talent for those!). I’m so sorry you’ve has such an extra-big helping of heartbreak. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us, though — I feel like every woman’s story I’ve gotten to know in the “IF world” has really helped me feel stronger/braver about facing 08.

    Not sure I can even dare to wish for a healthy pregnancy in 08. But I would be very grateful if I could just enjoy the things I do have in my life regardless. I’d like to feel like life is still good and there are things to look forward to besides parenthood. I’d just like to see outside of this bubble sometimes.

    Wishing you so many good things in the coming year. Peace and hugs!

  9. My goodness, firstly I am so sorry.
    I can relate to so much of your story. 2007 hasn’t been the best for me either, one miscarriage and one failed IVF, not the greatest year. But not as bad as 2006 either.
    I also left 2005 pregnant and hopeful but had a second trimester miscarriage in January, the rest of the year was just a horrible mess as I fell apart.

    Let’s hope 2008 will be so much better, in all sorts of ways.

  10. I also offer my condolences. You have had a seriously bad series of life experiences. You are a strong person to have withstood it all. By all means good riddance to 2007.

    Like you, I’m grateful for finding a depth of support and understanding that is completely absent from my real life. This online community has preserved what’s left of my sanity.

    I’m saying goodbye to the anger and the “what ifs” that tormented me in 2007. Neither have served me well. I’m saying hello in 2008nto more patience, laughter and dreams of happier days ahead. Wishing you continued strength and may your dreams come true, too!

  11. such a shitty year. but at least you are in good company — so many of us have been devastated by 2007. here is wishing you everything good — peace, love, and resolution — for 2008.

  12. Thank you for sharing your story. After 3 emotional rollercoaster years, we decided to parent through open domestic adoption, yet a day does not go by when I don’g wonder how it might have felt to parent biologicaly. I would like permission to print your “open letter” and would like to know if you would speak to a group of women here in San Francisco who are struggling on this life altering journey.

  13. […] me grieving on so many levels I couldn’t even separate them. 2008 came on the heels of an even worse year or two. Really bad years — like, losing your baby and your best friend years. Sad […]

  14. […] what a striking year it had been. But as I have an annoying tendency to do, as I did when I bid farewell to 2007, let’s go back even further, shall we? How about a little context. How about the last half of […]

  15. […] without a pet in the many years we’ve been together. We lost both our beloved kitty and pup in 2007 and it’s been more than three whole years […]

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