For weeks, I had a post in my head about coming to the end of another rotten year.

2008 began with lost hope and led to more failure and a cycle of despair, confusion and depression that lasted for months. I’ll spare you the details, you’ve read it all before. It left me grieving on so many levels I couldn’t even separate them. 2008 came on the heels of an even worse year or two. Really bad years — like, losing your baby and your best friend years. Sad times.

We had so much hope for 2008. This was it. There was no way this year could be worse. There was no way we would end 2008 childless. Or was there?

I am grateful for a few things that got me through this year. One was M, pure and simple. Two was this blog, this space. Three was work, having a meaningful outlet for my energy that was unrelated to my failure in child-bearing. Four was eventually funneling a lot of energy into adoption, to get us to the point where we might actually believe we could become parents to a living child someday soon. And five was getting the fuck out of dodge.

Don’t get me wrong, I love our home and our community. But this year, when we were fast running out of options for parenthood, it was hard to live our childless life without some plan for the future. Sometimes that plan meant weekends away — Seattle, Big Sur, Vegas, Disney (though without M), the Southwest. Sometimes a quick getaway is just what the doctor ordered.

In fact, we just planned a last minute getaway for New Year’s to Vancouver, BC, one of the most beautiful cities in the world. Don’t know what we were thinking going for a couple of nights with the freezing weather and all, but if any of my favorite BC bloggers are available to meet us for a drink sometime on Thursday or Friday, that just might be an option. (I’ll probably be offline after Tuesday, so act now or promise me one next time…)

Oh, but I digress. I wanted to bitch and moan about what a crappy year 2008 has been, despite our wonderful diversions. I wanted to throw a big middle finger up to this year and say rest in effing peace beotch, just like the last one.

But I can’t.

2008 was the year we lost hope. But it was the year we found hope too.

It wasn’t just the election, either. It was about finding our path. Not wasting any more time. Healing from the wounds of infertility and making peace with the deep scar it has imprinted on our lives.

This year, and perhaps each one before it, was about getting ourselves to this very moment in time.

These past few weeks have been so incredible that I don’t even know what to say about them. What I can say is this, and honestly I don’t even know if it’s true. Right now it feels in a strange way like we are finally in the right place at the right time. Like the stars are somehow aligning for us. We both feel like this match we’ve made may be the most perfect match we could have ever imagined. Yes, there are issues, as with any adoption. Things can change, as with any situation. If we are unable to adopt this child, we would absolutely grieve a loss even though it is not yet really ours to grieve. And then I suppose we could only hope to find another match that seems as right as this one.

Today though, as we get ready to close the year and begin anew, as we consider what 2009 may hold in store, we hold close to our hearts what must be among the most powerful words ever uttered: I would be honored if you would be the parents of my baby.

Wishing you all a very joyous and peaceful new year filled with love and laughter, and the time to enjoy it all. Peace out.


~ by luna on December 29, 2008.

28 Responses to “cheers”

  1. Those are indeed some powerful words, and couldn’t be addressed better. May this finally be your year.

  2. I really hope the end of ’08 carries you like a wave into ’09, Luna.

  3. With what sweeter words could you end this year? With tears in my eyes and hoping upon hope it all works out.

  4. Peace within, too. I felt my eyes welling with tears all over again reading those magical words. The fact that 2008 is ending on what will hopefully be such a huge turning point…well, it’s such a perfect hinge between the old and the new.

  5. That’s the thing about this journey. Just when we think we know what’s coming next, we get another surprise. Usually it’s a bad surprise when we’re expecting good things, but you’ve had your share of those, so finally you were slotted for a very good surprise when you were expecting bad things.

    Have a great time in Vancouver! If you get a chance, go for breakfast/brunch at the Elbow Room. And dim sum at Hon’s (the best selection of vegetarian dim sum I’ve seen anywhere, plus good regular dim sum and other food). And Granville Island, I always go there.

  6. Oh, dear Luna! What a lovely end to the hardest journey. I know there’s still lots to be figured out, but I admire your ability to relish this turning point.

    Warmest wishes for a joyful new year!

  7. Last year we (again) chose to NOT celebrate Christmas. But we were able to pick our chins up and celebrate New Year’s Eve . . . it was, and IS, a time for New Beginnings, New Chances, and most certainly New HOPE.

    You are correct . . . if not this baby, then the right one is still out there, finding it’s way to you via the right situation.

    But for now, let’s let this candle shine brightly and light the way.

    Happy New Year!

  8. Happy New Year and I hope you have a great weekend get away trip.

  9. Damn, I wished I lived in BC. Damn, again.

    Have a wonderful New Year, Luna. Wishing you the very, very best. XO.

  10. I hope this works out for you so very much!

  11. Hi! I’ve tried to read your blog a bunch of times…and am going to go out on a limb here – I hope this isn’t offensive. But with the black layout and dark font, I actually CAN’T read it! Maybe it’s some glitch of my computer. And I’m sure you don’t care if I can read the blog or not. But if you’re ever thinking of a change, I wanted to vote for a lighter colored font so that I could follow your blog. I’ve been trying!

    Be well.


  12. Happy New Year indeed!! Have a great time in Vancouver. They may even still have some snow for you to enjoy. 😉

  13. as I wrote to mo, I appreciate the feedback on the font color. this background looks different on different computers (sometimes it’s gray, sometimes black). I changed the color of this post. the problem with lighter fonts is that anyone who reads in a feed or reader has trouble reading those. so I’ll try to find more readable colors.

    if anyone else has trouble reading, let me know! (even I have to enlarge the font to read it!) thanks.

  14. A true gift, for all of you, parents, baby, first mom. I am so over joyed for you.

  15. Such a great way to end out the year! Very very excited and hopeful for you guys.

  16. Vancouver, eek, if I’m around (not in Whistler), we’ll soooo have to arrange something! Either way, prepare for shit weather – it’s our worst ever – EVER. But still lots of fun things to do and places to eat (if you want tips/recommendations, I’ll email).

    Re her still choosing you, eek even more! This is very very exciting stuff. I’m very very happy for you:-)

    And while your post wasn’t about your fonts, I’ve had trouble reading yours from day 1 (at work and at home, both computers just don’t display the fonts well) but I get by cuz you’re always fun to read so it’s worth the effort. One thing you might try though is a bigger or heavier font – at least if the font was heavier (it’s very fine and little) then the color might not matter so much:-)

  17. Hey, I’ll be around, so let’s hook up. It is very cold and windy and rainy and snowy (that’s the kind of week it’s been here in Vancouver) so dress warmly! Email me at deathstar44@gmail and I will give you my numbers! I’m right downtown! Eeeks! I’m so excited!!!!!

    I have to increase the size of the text on your blog so I can read it. The black background it tough on the eyes, but you’re worth it.

  18. Wishing you health, happiness and new beginnings in 2009!

  19. Indeed 2008 was filled with many emotions for you, both good and bad. I am so glad that you are ending on a high note.

  20. Cheers to YOU, my dear.

  21. Oh my God, Luna, I just got to the end of this post and gasped out loud. Literally. I’ve been sitting here with my hand to my mouth, a stunned look on my face. I’ve been out of touch for a few days and I didn’t know.

    She chose you? She chose you!!! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Can it be true? Are you this close? How can you stand the suspense?!?

    Okay, that last question wasn’t rhetorical. How are you holding up? Have you pulled a “Juno” moment and asked her to place a percentage number on how sure she is?

    I’m so excited for you! Maybe there is hope for all of us.

  22. I do have trouble reading at work (the comments especially) but at home it’s crystal clear. I think I need to tinker with my brightness settings at work. 😉

  23. Oh, luna, I am so incredibly thrilled for you and M. I hadn’t read the blog in about a week and I come back to see this amazing news. It’s just so wonderful. Wow. Cheers to finding hope in 2008 and cheers to a 2009 filled with all kinds of positive CHANGE!

  24. What a lovely way to leave a year. You are so right in your attitude towards the future. I should try to learn from you xx

  25. I couldn’t get through this post with dry eyes. I’m so happy for you and M right now. I hope you’re having a great time in BC. Happy 2009!

  26. May 2009 be the year that brings you your heart’s desire, along with much peace, joy, and insight.

    And I’m absolutely sick that I’m too far away to have flown to Vancouver to see you – sick, I tell you! Let me know if you’re ever up there again, as I do go out occasionally (sister in Victoria and parents in the Lower Mainland) – and I would absolutely adore you in person, of that I am utterly certain! I hope the snow wasn’t too miserable and you had a wonderful time.

  27. […] year as I bid farewell to 2008, I realized what a striking year it had been. But as I have an annoying tendency to do, as I did […]

  28. […] in our journey to parenthood, even while nothing was certain, it seemed like we were finally in the right place at the right time, for a […]

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