on the brink of a new year
Once again we face a brand new year, ready to leave the past behind as we look ahead to what the future may hold. Time for reflection and contemplation. Time for new beginnings. As we bid a (perhaps not-so) fond farewell to the the year that was — our struggles and victories, large and small, the joys and the losses — we consider the year that will be. And while we endeavor toward our future hopes and dreams, we pause to reflect on the bounty of here and now.
It has been a tough year in many ways. Yet I feel such profound gratitude for this moment. Here I sit, stealing a few moments alone in the dark. Just beyond the walls on either side of me, a small girl child lies barely asleep, one sick with fever and the other with cough and cold. Yet a few rough days is just that. My life is so different than it was five years ago when I created this blog. What I feel in this moment is a tremendous sense of awe and deep gratitude for this life, the one I doubted to my core that I would ever get to live. This magnificence.
Another year passes. Five since I wrote my first post. Nine since I started on this journey. Four since I met the woman who made me a mother. Twenty two since I began a new life with my dream heart. Twenty seven without my dad. Three since I nearly lost my mom. Another year passes as it inevitably does.
This past year I had the incredible fortune to be mama again to a newborn. The experience I thought I would only enjoy once in this lifetime — challenges and all — somehow I had the unbelievable chance to do it all again. Even the sleepless nights, the tiresome mornings, the character-building moments which continue to test my limits, even through all of it I know without question that I am so fucking lucky. Every day in some way I remind myself of this fundamental truth. Forty three years old and mama to two beautiful souls whose little lives are unfolding right before me. Sisters. Such a privilege.
These girls are my miracles, both of them. One so curious and playful, sensitive and clever, who loves to paint and sing and climb and jump, who at just 3.5 asks questions like what happens when you die, who brings tears to my eyes when she says she loves me. One so bright and strong that I often ask her where she came from, so determined was she to be born, who still hasn’t taken her first steps or said more than a couple of words in her nearly 16 months yet makes herself well understood. My heart is filled with love and awe.
This month we celebrated our 22nd anniversary together. 1+1=22, I wrote in a card. “Bonds forged in fire are far stronger than those not,” he wrote to me. This is truth, I know. It is our truth, our story. Today I am mindful of my incredible fortune in life and love. While once I felt cursed, today I feel blessed.
The coming year will inevitably present challenges. Some I can sense on the horizon. My mom, whose fight until now has been fierce, is slowing as her disease progresses. Mac’s parents are aging and unwell. Times are tight. Some relationships in our lives seem broken beyond repair. The world seems like an ever unstable place, at times, filled with unimaginable sorrow.
We look to love and light. Because we must.
Wishing you all the best in 2013 ~ Peace. Love. Joy. Contentment. Passion. Justice. Health. Life.