and so are the days of our lives

I can’t even count the number of times I’ve sat down to write over the past month or so. It seems hopeless, though I have so many things bouncing around my brain that need to get out.

I especially wanted to write about Mother’s Day, once again. Between the amazing ways in which I became a mama and issues with my own (terminally ill) mother, there is never a loss for words there. I wanted to contribute to the last few Open Adoption Roundtable discussions, especially this one and this one. I wanted to pause and reflect and capture a glimpse into my life these days, at home with a superbly energetic toddler girl and a little one who seems to be catching up day by day.

But seriously, these two are kicking my ass. In a good way, mostly, but still.

Sometimes at naptime I crack open the laptop with eager fingers, then one of them stirs. Sometimes I sit down to sort through the words and emotions swirling around, yet find I have no energy to articulate an intelligible sentence. Or I realize, once again, that I’m having hard time differentiating where my story ends and another begins. Sometimes I open up my goo.gle reader and start catching up with other blogs instead of writing my own. Or emails. Or phonecalls. Or bills. Or laundry. Or dishes. Or whatever. There are a hundred reasons why I can’t seem to make the time to write (or clean). It just sucks when there is so much to say and do.

Of course there are wonderful things keeping me away too. Two beautiful girls, most importantly. Not complaining. Just saying.

In just a few weeks, Jaye will be three whole years old. THREE! The very next day, she’ll start preschool. For so long, she’s been such an independent little girl (“I want to do it all by myself!”). Now all of a sudden — not surprisingly with the arrival of little miss Z — she wants to be a baby again. Her world has been rocked, and while she is an adorably sweet big sister, the transition has not been easy. She has been so excited about school for so long. In fact, the few times we’ve visited she went through the door and never looked back once we said “go ahead.” Only now that it’s just weeks away is she finally expressing a bit of reserve about school (“maybe mama doesn’t have to leave when she takes me in the morning…”). I know it’s normal. Just pulls your heartstrings to see my first baby growing up. “I don’t want to be big!” she says now. Then we tell her how cool it is that she’s a little girl and not a baby anymore, with all the great things she can do, that we can do together.

In just a few months, at the end of summer, little Z will be ONE. It seems like such a long way away, but really it’s not. At 8.5 months now, her adjusted age is nearly 7 months old. She still hasn’t taken a pacifier or bottle since she’s been home, and she gagged when I tried. Interestingly, our doctor suggested that may be related to her feeding tube from the NICU. She may have sense memory of forced feedings, which well, makes sense. Unlike Jaye, Z wasn’t really into solids when we tried at first. She still does not like to be fed with a spoon, but now she will grab it and bring it to her own mouth, which is cool. Figures this baby would insist on doing everything on her own time, in her own way. Yet we still need to see if she will sit up and crawl and hit all those other milestones in a reasonable time. I am hopeful.

Other things keeping me busy? I had a few hours of consulting work with my old organization. I was glad for the hours and to reconnect with some old colleagues, especially with the freedom of working from home. But honestly it’s been a challenge, squeezing in time to complete projects between feedings and naps without any child care. Not an easy feat, especially if anything else is supposed to get done.

On a more enjoyable front, we planted our garden over the past few weeks: five kinds of tomatoes (heirlooms, sungolds and san marzanos), cucumbers, eggplant, gypsy peppers, green beans, melons, butternut squash, lettuce, corn, strawberries, blueberries, and lots of herbs (basil, parsley, cilantro, oregano, thyme and dill). I don’t know that everything will make it (doubt we have enough space or sun for corn, for instance). But it is a fun experiment and I love the ritual of gardening and watering. Even our failures, while disappointing, teach us something for next time. Jaye loves tending to the plants and watching everything grow day to day, and she is learning a great deal of patience in the process.

Today, I was supposed to spend the day with my mom. Yet instead I am writing these words. My mom was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer just before Jaye was born and given a year to live. Three years later, she is still scaring the crap out of death. At least today. She was supposed to visit this weekend, her first solo trip anywhere in three years, first time to see the girls since December. But she had an incident and her doctor wouldn’t let her fly. Tonight we would have lit the candle for my Nana, who left this world 14 years ago today. And tomorrow we would have honored her in the best way we know as I bake my birthday cake. Rooting me in ritual and bathing me in memory, baking connects me to my Nana like nothing else. Plus it would have been cool to share that with my mom. Though it would have been hard seeing her so frail, so weak, like my Nana was in the end.

Ah well. Another turn around the sun. It’s been quite a year. Like no other, that’s for sure.

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~ by luna on May 17, 2012.

6 Responses to “and so are the days of our lives”

  1. Happy belated birthday! I’m sorry your mom couldn’t be there with you to celebrate and reminisce. I totally hear you about the two kids kicking your ass and not having the energy and/or a clear mind to write the blog posts you want.

  2. Everytime I stop and wonder how you are doing you post within a couple of days. I guess I should wonder more often huh? 🙂 I’m glad to hear you are doing well, and Happy Birthday!

  3. Happy happy turn around the sun! I am so happy that you have your husband, your daughters and your mom celebrating with you this year, along with your enduring connection to your Nana.

    And your garden sounds lush and vibrant — already!

    Always good to see you here in your space. Love to you all.

  4. Happy Birthday!

    What a treat the foods from the garden must be for all of you.

  5. Happy belated birthday! How is it that our daughters are growing so fast? Weren’t they just born? Glad to hear that all is well. And I hear you, mama, about having no time (she says, while lying in bed at 11pm, nursing in the dark so as not to wake the baby and reading blogs on her phone) …

  6. […] to look forward to. Yet after three worldwide trips to visit her grandkids this past spring, her travel has drastically declined along with her health and energy level. Still, she wanted to be here to celebrate her little […]

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