worst. blogger. ever.
It’s been so long, I don’t even know where to begin.
Since I have practically no time to myself these days, it’s often impossible to form, let alone write, a complete thought. When I do have a chance to sit and reflect, there are so many things I’m behind on that I couldn’t possibly catch up. It’s a defeatist attitude, but that is how it is.
Just a few updates then, before I am inevitably pulled away.
We are adjusting to life as a family of four. So many changes abound. Our girls are growing and thriving, I am happy to say.
Jaye will be three years old (3!) this spring and we are looking at preschools. She finally began sleeping again since little Z came home. Jaye went through a tough phase of constant waking throughout the night when she decided she didn’t want to sleep anymore. Multiple times each night, we’d hear the turning click of her doorknob then her shuffling feet headed towards our room. Sometimes she’d be screaming or crying, or talking or whispering. Sometimes she’d be quiet. We tried everything — quietly walking her back to bed, scooping her up, talking, singing, sitting with her — we even pretended to be asleep so she would just go back to bed. This went on for months. At the same time, she started waking much earlier (6ish instead of 7ish), and boycotting naps. (Looking back, we switched to her toddler bed too soon, I think. One day when I was in the hospital after Z was born, Jaye said she wanted her big-girl bed and we obliged. We should have kept her in the crib for as long as possible. Lesson learned.)
Z is now 5.5 months old, or nearly 4 months adjusted age. Those first few months at home were tough. While Jaye was boycotting sleep, I was craving it and also trying to get little Z to sleep without me. When Z first came home, she just wanted to be held. She’d cry every time I’d put her down in her co-sleeper crib. It was as if she was saying, “hell no, you are NOT putting me back in that box! I just spent 3 weeks in that thing. pick. me. up. now. and do. not. put. me. down. ever.” I wore her a lot, and she actually slept on me for months. I slept upright a lot and fed her constantly. It seemed she was insatiable, making up for lost time. We now co-sleep and she is (finally) able to nap on her own. But she still eats about every three hours or so. And she will not take a bottle.
Funny enough, I was so worried about Z learning to eat, especially that she would never learn to nurse. Now, here’s a baby that won’t take a freaking bottle. She won’t even take a pacifier. I am thrilled that I’ve been able to sustain her solely by breastfeeding, so grateful and proud that she is on her way to tripling her birth weight (of 4lbs 7oz). But eventually it would be nice for someone else to be able to feed her too.
Jaye seems to enjoy being a big sister. She loves making Z smile and laugh. She loves holding her hands and snuggling with her in bed. Little Z tracks Jaye’s voice and reaches out for her, cooing. Jaye is learning to be gentle, but it is a work in progress and constant vigilance is required. While it’s tough now, we’re hoping for the best later.
We still look at each other, Mac and me, in amazement that this is our family.
In other news, my maternity and family leave ended after five months and so did my job. Funding had been drying up for a while and I was technically laid off with a small severance. While the timing was good — i.e., see above re: Z not taking a bottle — our financial situation will require me to go back to work sometime sooner rather than later. The thing is, it’s a terrible time to be looking for work in my field. And I had the most perfect position — part time with benefits, flexible, rewarding work, good people, etc. Plus I haven’t sent a resume out in 10 years. So there’s that.
My mind is often frazzled these days. It’s been hard to keep up with the blogosphere. There is still much I want to say, but I struggle to find the words, the time, the energy. I read along with many of you but often can’t even form a coherent comment. Plus my phone doesn’t allow for easy commenting or blogging so many good thoughts and intentions never make it through the ether. I wish I had the time to write a little every day. I want to post on our family blog too, but can’t seem to catch up. I have mountains of papers to file, a house in need of good cleaning, a family to feed and care for, and a job search that needs tending. I have a toddler vying for my attention and a baby needing constant care, and I can’t seem to get a good photo of either of them. My life feels like a balancing act, or rather a juggling act, and I’m not even working outside the home.
I often remind myself that this is the life we always wanted. With two girls I love madly, I am still sometimes stunned to silence. But it’s hard too. Some days, some moments, it’s just hard. It’s not that I’m complaining. Just telling it like it is.
~ by luna on February 14, 2012.