worst. blogger. ever.

It’s been so long, I don’t even know where to begin.

Since I have practically no time to myself these days, it’s often impossible to form, let alone write, a complete thought. When I do have a chance to sit and reflect, there are so many things I’m behind on that I couldn’t possibly catch up. It’s a defeatist attitude, but that is how it is.

Just a few updates then, before I am inevitably pulled away.

We are adjusting to life as a family of four. So many changes abound. Our girls are growing and thriving, I am happy to say.

Jaye will be three years old (3!) this spring and we are looking at preschools. She finally began sleeping again since little Z came home. Jaye went through a tough phase of constant waking throughout the night when she decided she didn’t want to sleep anymore. Multiple times each night, we’d hear the turning click of her doorknob then her shuffling feet headed towards our room. Sometimes she’d be screaming or crying, or talking or whispering. Sometimes she’d be quiet. We tried everything — quietly walking her back to bed, scooping her up, talking, singing, sitting with her — we even pretended to be asleep so she would just go back to bed. This went on for months. At the same time, she started waking much earlier (6ish instead of 7ish), and boycotting naps. (Looking back, we switched to her toddler bed too soon, I think. One day when I was in the hospital after Z was born, Jaye said she wanted her big-girl bed and we obliged. We should have kept her in the crib for as long as possible. Lesson learned.)

Z is now 5.5 months old, or nearly 4 months adjusted age. Those first few months at home were tough. While Jaye was boycotting sleep, I was craving it and also trying to get little Z to sleep without me. When Z first came home, she just wanted to be held. She’d cry every time I’d put her down in her co-sleeper crib. It was as if she was saying, “hell no, you are NOT putting me back in that box! I just spent 3 weeks in that thing. pick. me. up. now. and do. not. put. me. down. ever.”  I wore her a lot, and she actually slept on me for months. I slept upright a lot and fed her constantly. It seemed she was insatiable, making up for lost time. We now co-sleep and she is (finally) able to nap on her own. But she still eats about every three hours or so. And she will not take a bottle.

Funny enough, I was so worried about Z learning to eat, especially that she would never learn to nurse. Now, here’s a baby that won’t take a freaking bottle. She won’t even take a pacifier. I am thrilled that I’ve been able to sustain her solely by breastfeeding, so grateful and proud that she is on her way to tripling her birth weight (of 4lbs 7oz). But eventually it would be nice for someone else to be able to feed her too.

Jaye seems to enjoy being a big sister. She loves making Z smile and laugh. She loves holding her hands and snuggling with her in bed. Little Z tracks Jaye’s voice and reaches out for her, cooing. Jaye is learning to be gentle, but it is a work in progress and constant vigilance is required. While it’s tough now, we’re hoping for the best later.

We still look at each other, Mac and me, in amazement that this is our family.

In other news, my maternity and family leave ended after five months and so did my job. Funding had been drying up for a while and I was technically laid off with a small severance. While the timing was good — i.e., see above re: Z not taking a bottle — our financial situation will require me to go back to work sometime sooner rather than later. The thing is, it’s a terrible time to be looking for work in my field. And I had the most perfect position — part time with benefits, flexible, rewarding work, good people, etc. Plus I haven’t sent a resume out in 10 years. So there’s that.

My mind is often frazzled these days. It’s been hard to keep up with the blogosphere. There is still much I want to say, but I struggle to find the words, the time, the energy. I read along with many of you but often can’t even form a coherent comment. Plus my phone doesn’t allow for easy commenting or blogging so many good thoughts and intentions never make it through the ether. I wish I had the time to write a little every day. I want to post on our family blog too, but can’t seem to catch up. I have mountains of papers to file, a house in need of good cleaning, a family to feed and care for, and a job search that needs tending. I have a toddler vying for my attention and a baby needing constant care, and I can’t seem to get a good photo of either of them. My life feels like a balancing act, or rather a juggling act, and I’m not even working outside the home.

I often remind myself that this is the life we always wanted. With two girls I love madly, I am still sometimes stunned to silence. But it’s hard too. Some days, some moments, it’s just hard. It’s not that I’m complaining. Just telling it like it is.

~ by luna on February 14, 2012.

18 Responses to “worst. blogger. ever.”

  1. It’s great to hear from you and I just want to say that I totally understand about the inability to form a coherent thought. I have felt that way since my first child was born over 6 years ago, and it got much much worse after nos. 2 & 3. I even had to leave my job, which required a lot of thinking, because I simply couldn’t do it. I also know how you feel about having the family you always wanted but still it is so hard.

  2. Oh my goodness, how adorable is that picture of your girls??? Jaye looks so proud, and Z…AWWWWW! I love how little babies smile with their whole face 🙂 What you are feeling is totally normal for a mother of two very small children. Regardless of how you arrived here, you are in the place of “OMG,” and I hope you don’t feel like you can’t be knocked on your ass by that, because it is absolutely a steamroller driven by adorable little maniacs heading RIGHT FOR YOU.

  3. I had two girls who would never take a bottle, I introduced a sippy cup at 6 or 7 monhts with breast milk and they both took it. It allowed me to go out in the in the evening once awhile and once even go away for the weekend.

    It’s hard to realize right now, but it gets better. It gets easier. There are new challenges, but they aren’t as physically demanding as the years you are in now. Sleep returns and it makes a huge, huge difference.

  4. Not the worst blogger ever, by a long shot. ; ) It’s always great to hear from you whenever you have time to post, Luna. Hang in there, I don’t have any personal experience to share, but I am assured by the vast majority that it does get better, eventually! ; )

  5. Good to hear from you, though you CANNOT be serious that little Z is almost 6 months old! You JUST had her! Time flies.

  6. what a beautiful picture. Thanks for the update!

  7. Wow, time has flown (much as I hate that cliche, it is apropos).

    You’ve had a lot on your plate and I am sorry that you lost your job and will have to deal with the stress of finding another. I do hope that it all comes together for you.

  8. Smiling sisters! I love it!

    I am going to give you some bossy advice and remind you to take lots of omegas. All of the wonderful DHA that you’re giving Z through the milk has to come from somewhere, and if you’re not eating enough it will get leached out of your brain (just like the calcium from your bones). The sleep deprivation has plenty to do with the difficulty forming thoughts too, but at least the omegas are something that you can easily control.

    Have you thought about locking Jaye’s door? If we didn’t lock Burrito in his room at night, he would wander the house all night getting himself into mischief and urging us to come and play. After the first few nights of protesting when put to bed once he was in a toddler bed and able to roam (protests that felt like they would never end), he learned that the door will stay closed until morning, and he is perfectly happy to stay in there until morning.

    Best of luck with the job search!

  9. So good to hear from you! your girls have grown so much! its also hard to be organized on lack of sleep, in fact its hard to do anything withl ack of sleep.

  10. Good to hear from you and hat things are mostly well even if they are insanely busy. The girls are adorable! I hope the job search etc goes well.

  11. Yes, it is hard with two little ones. I have learned not to stress about the messy house and finances. The kids are priority #1, and everything else can just get done when it gets done. They are only this needy for a short while, so it’s only temporary. RIGHT? Please tell me it is. And I’m glad I’m not the only one that can’t get a good picture of my kids! Although the one in your post is great. Your girls are beautiful.

  12. So glad to hear that our 3 year old isn’t the only one not ever sleeping through the night. I swear we haven’t slept a full night since she was born. And now she says ‘I want Papa’ which means she wants to commandeer mom and dad’s bed. I am grateful I got a good twin mattress for her ‘big girl bed’ since I am sleeping there more often. I love hearing moms telling their truth. As well you know, this too shall pass, thank goodness!

  13. It is hard. You can be so grateful for where you are and for your family and still want to cry over how hard it is (or take a day off!) Those sweet girls. They are SO beautiful.

  14. Oh my goodness, look at all that lovely baby fat in one picture frame! Snuzzle those cheeks for me, would ya?

    Whatever you do, don’t feel guilty for complaining. It’s not like you need to suck it up because you went through so much to get here, you should just paint it all like sunshine and roses. Being a mom is tough, tough, tough. Bella also didn’t take a bottle and it eventually drove me wacko, but I did it.

    We’re going to *have* to move Ale to bed because he jumps in the crib and is climber/gymnast and is about ready to flip over the edge. I’m so not looking forward. One friend put a screen door on her kids room? Sort of so they wouldn’t feel trapped, but couldn’t get out, either. We may have to resort to that. Wishing you some peaceful nights, Luna. And some good news on the job front. It’s lovely hearing from you.

  15. Oh Luna, I totally hear you! The only reason I have a chance to blog these days is because I have a nanny helping me 3 days/week, and even with that I’m so far behind! (posting this comment from my phone while pumping …) I just keep telling myself to focus on the most important thing at any given moment and the rest will work itself out. Easier said than done, of course!

    • yes, the only way I was able to keep up at all was with some help — from the hub and J’s morning sitter so I could sleep — and by reading blogs on my phone. another thing people told us was to focus on the older one’s needs because they will remember. but it’s hard to ignore a baby’s cries… so, lots of deep breathing. this too shall pass.

  16. Thanks for the updates (I read this post a while back but never got to commenting)! I know how you feel… I don’t think the thing with Jaye not wanting to sleep has anything to do with the change to the big bed, but more with the arrival of her little sister. I’m having a very similar situation with our toddler right now, his second-most used phrase (after “maman, pourquoi le bébé pleure?”) is “maman, je veux pas dormir!”. Getting him to bed has become a real challenge, to put it mildly – in the evening it takes at least an hour, he wakes about once a night (never really in sync with when I’m awake because of feeding the baby) and starts his day (and ours) around 6 am (while it used to be 7-7:30 am). I cannot wait for this phase to be over (and for the baby to start sleeping longer stretches at night for that matter!).

    Good luck with trying to get baby Z to accept the bottle. I had a real struggle with our first son – he finally accepted it when he was about 8 months (after two months of trying), thanks to a persistent dad!

  17. […] away, but really it’s not. At 8.5 months now, her adjusted age is nearly 7 months old. She still hasn’t taken a pacifier or bottle since she’s been home, and she gagged when I tried. […]

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