number nine

Nine has always been my favorite number. At the root of nine is three, so three is right up there too. Something about three squared (3×3, or 3+3+3) just makes nine the perfect number for me, with three a close second.

Nine days from now will be 9/9, the day I will deliver this baby.

Less stellar numbers are this baby’s gestational age on that date: 34 weeks 3 days; or the time anticipated in the NICU: 1-2 weeks.

But the most spectacular thing is that I’ve made it to 33 weeks and it looks like I will be delivering a baby. Never in a hundred years did I think, even for a minute, when I started this blog nearly 4 years ago, or when we created our family through adoption over two years ago, or when I posted this two months ago, that I would ever have a real live baby at age 42.

When, after denying the possibility for weeks, one afternoon in late June I reluctantly peed on a stick in the grocery store before having a nearly incapacitating anxiety attack at the result, I was already 23 weeks along. I was terrified. I truly believed there was no way this could end well. I was overwhelmed and scared. I couldn’t face another loss. I couldn’t believe I was in this situation. That was all behind us, that life, those hopes. And we were just fine. We were happy. We were grateful.

Our family was complete.

But it wasn’t.

Now, of course, I’ve had some time to think about that life we left behind. The one where our daughter would become a big sister to a little sibling. The life we always envisioned, with two children. There was just no way to make it happen. None. And so I had to come to peace with that. And I did.

Until now.

Now? Well now everything has changed. Now I think of our precious Jaye and what an awesome big sister she will be. I think about how we let that go, as we had no choice, but how we embraced the letting go. I think of how we looked at our friends and family, each with two kids, and thought hmm, that seems way harder. I think of how we survived that first year, the sleepless nights, and how Mac had said, not too long ago, that he didn’t even want a puppy but an older dog because he was happy not to be woken in the middle of the night anymore. Heh.

Now I’ve had the most unbelievable experience with this wonder child, this baby who has fought every odd in the universe simply to exist, who has struggled to sustain life in the most inhospitable environment, who has somehow managed to grow and thrive when no one thought it possible. It is truly astounding.

Of course there is part of me that is still scared and trying to breathe through my fear. I’m still worried that something will go wrong. I worry about every pain and twinge. I’m worried our baby won’t thrive. I’m worried that Jaye will feel like she’s not the “baby” anymore, or that I won’t be able to give her what she needs for a while. I’m worried about my ability to care for two children. I’m worried about my recovery. I’m worried about the strain on Mac of the extra work, the financial pressures. I’m worried our support network will fail us.

Yet the reality is, I’m not letting my worry get the best of me. I just don’t have the energy. I can breathe into it and know for sure that we will all be in good hands, every one of us. That which is beyond our control is exactly that, and there’s nothing I can do to change it. It is what it is. What will be will be.

So we move ahead. We breathe. We try to prepare. We make space.

We count down the days. Nine…

(Side note: With all the talk of #3 and #9, I should have posted this before my last one, which was #399. That’s right, this is #400!)

~ by luna on August 31, 2011.

11 Responses to “number nine”

  1. My babies also had a fortuitous birthday. What a good omen!

    Happy 33 weeks and happy 400th post!

  2. I try not to be too superstitious, but I sensed when my son was born at 33 weeks and 3 days gestation at 1:33pm on the 31st, weighing 3 lbs, 13 oz that we had a fighter. Seeing those numbers all written down is a bit freaky, even as we celebrate his fourth birthday today. Wishing you deep breathing and calm, joyous space as you await your new baby girl. xx

  3. Omigoodness, I’m tearing up — a little sister! I can’t wait to hear what you name her — “Forza” or “Tenacity” or “LOLOMFG.” I cannot believe it’s only 9 days away, this has been a blink of an eye to me (I know an eternity to you, even abbreviated). It will be crazy, you will question the why’s, but I hope in the end everyone is flat-out thrilled.

    Biting my nails. A little more quickly now.

  4. I don’tknow if I even have words. Its so amazing and I’m so excited for you. Of course there’s always fear because we have lived int he world of infertility and youhave had a loss before, but geez its all looking so dang good, so very exciting!!!!
    Jaye will be fine, it will be hard. Let her help even if its not really helpful. Try to put her needs first,t he baby will wait. Even if it is the baby’s fault you have to leave somewhere fun try and use a different excuse for awhile so ther’s not so much resentment about their life changing. totally make her feel beyond cool because she is a BIG sister, Iknow this is easier when they are 4 years old but still Maya had a big sister shirt, and Ihad a few liitle gifts that were to her from her brother. Most people are good about giving the sibling a gift as well as a baby gift, but if not I would ahve a few little things wrapped up so that she doens’t feel like she isn’t as important, plus they are frim her new sibling, who doens’t like a sibling that has gift every once in awhile. You guys will do great, wonderful! totally all about the tough few months with a newborn, but at least you know it gets better, Benjamin sleeps 10 hours eats for 10 minutes and sleeps another 2 hours, Maya still sleeps 12 hours, of course we don’t co sleep so our kids sleep alot better (Kami and I battle about this all the time, just our difference in preference). Take care, breath deep, and try and relax or plan whatever helps you.

  5. This is such an amazing journey to witness. I’m so excited for all of you. Sending many wishes for a fast recovery for you and a little one who wows everyone with her eating abilities and is home before you know it.

  6. 9 days til your baby girl is born! Amazing. Still giddy with excitement over all this!

  7. Oh wow…and as of now, 8 more days. Countdown has begun Luna!

  8. Thinking of you and sending love!

  9. Happy belated 400!! : )

  10. […] the plan was finalized, we were still nine days away. Or so I […]

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