mashed up mind

So many things, so little time.

I miss writing. There is so much I want to say. But it is all I can do to steal a few minutes late at night, when I should be sleeping. Even then, there’s always the temptation to read instead of write or to catch up on work before bed. Then there’s the reality that Baby J could awaken at any moment before I can complete a thought…

And so I give you the mash up in my brain…

~ We finally have our court date! It could have been as early as last week but we couldn’t get it together fast enough. This Thursday, March 11 — nine months and eleven days after the birth of our daughter — we will become a forever family in the eyes of the law. I’m not sure who, if anyone, will be able to join us, and I have to go to work afterward so we can’t even go out to celebrate. I don’t even have a new outfit ready for Baby J to wear. But she looks cute in anything and I’m sure we’ll find a way to commemorate the occasion. I am feeling so very grateful. Like there are no words for this kind of gratitude.

~ My mom appears to be hanging on for now. When I left her in December, there were tears and the likelihood that it could be the last time I would see her. She was on her way out, for sure. I told her I wasn’t giving up yet and that I’d be back. Then in January, a relative who is a doctor suggested that she try a new medication to help with one of the more debilitating side effects. Nothing any of her expert doctors had thought of. And it appears to be working. She can now sustain food a little better and has some energy, which has made a huge difference. She is not going to get better. Her cancer is still incurable. But Baby J and I just returned from a few days visit and it was much better than last time. We even went out to eat, twice. It’s sad to me that she can’t even hold my daughter, but at least she could enjoy her smile and laughter. And watch her show off some new talents…

~ Baby J is crawling! Within a two week period, she sat herself up, began to crawl, and pulled herself up to standing. Life as we know it has changed dramatically. Baby proofing is in full swing. She is fast, strong and curious. How did this girl get to be nine months old already?! Every day I tell myself how very lucky I am.

~ We haven’t seen K since the holidays and she had to cancel a potential visit a few weeks ago. We’re hoping to see her at the end of the month. We continue to send updates by phone and pictures by email. She got excited at the thought of watching Baby J crawl around. I know she will be shocked at how big she is now. We did have a visit with K’s mom and little brother in January, but we’re due for another soon and it’s been tough to plan.

– We’re struggling with who to name as guardian for Baby J. Such an important issue and we need to resolve it now. We keep wavering back and forth between two family members and every time we think we decide, we reconsider the other. In fact we did decide a few times. It’s not just who would be the best parents, but who would be the best parents to our daughter. That means committing to raising a child who was adopted and treating her as their own while honoring her roots and maintaining contact with her family. It’s a tough one. We need to decide for good.

~ Work continues to kick my ass. With my commute, the days I go into the office are long. I try to rush home so I can spend an hour with Baby J before bed. What’s harder still are the days I try to work from home with her. It really isn’t fair to anyone, but as M points out it’s not forever. We’re looking into bringing a local sitter over for a few hours, but haven’t made much progress yet. And M has been working Saturdays without a real weekend for himself. So we only get to spend Sundays together as a family. But that’s just the way it is for now.

~ We’re most likely going to have to move from our little spot of paradise. Here in the Bay Area housing is still at a premium (even though it has dropped a little) and we’ve been priced out of the market at every turn due to a variety of circumstances. We once lived in the same home for nearly 15 years on the cheap, which got us both through graduate school. But it was time for a change. Then three years ago, as we started treatments, we moved to a wonderful place that we’ve made our family home and we love it here. We even have great neighbors. But we got word that we’ll have to move before the end of the year if we can’t afford to buy this place. And that just sucks.

There is so much more, but I think I’ll leave it at that for now…

Life just keeps on moving on, doesn’t it?

~ by luna on March 6, 2010.

13 Responses to “mashed up mind”

  1. Good to hear from you. Glad that you and J could visit your mom.

    re: sitter, we’ve had good results with SitterCity. It required many interviews/trial shifts to find the wonderful people we ended up with (you have to kiss a lot of frogs…), but since you’ll be in the house when the sitter is there, that makes it a bit easier and feels safer. Personally I don’t get any work done during the day unless a sitter is here. It is totally worth it.

    Congrats on legally becoming a forever family!

  2. So glad to hear the good news — the court date, J’s milestones, the time you got to spend with your mom.

    And I’m expecting more good news about your living situation. Somehow, I’m hoping it all works out perfectly, as things often do.

    I agree with Baby Smiling about a Mother’s Helper. Makes a huge difference. May just the right person come to you at just the right time.

  3. So good to hear all the good news. I’m glad you got to have another good visit with your mom. I’m glad she’s feeling a bit better.
    Dang about the living situation. That sucks. I hope you find something that works out great for you.

  4. I am glad to hear that whatever time your mum has, at least she can have some energy to enjoy her visits with you and J. It must be so hard to concentrate at work, at home with J without wanting to be there for your mum. Crawling, huh? Time does fly, doesn’t it? Perhaps it’s a good way to get in some exercise, chasing her around? You’ll make the right choice about J’s guardian. Go with your best instinct.

  5. so good to hear what’s been going on! our court date is on the 10th…i’ll be thinking of you on thursday:)

  6. Lunq- I am so happy that you have a date! I know that the day will be full of special memories for your entire family. I am glad that your last visit with your Mom went well- I know she must cherish the time she is able to spend with her granddaughter and with you. Time does go by so quickly and they grow so fast, hard to believe that in just a few months Baby J will 1- I know that she is loved more than her little heart could know- and I can’t wait to hear from you that everything is legal and final- because she is your family regardless of what anyone says- she is a very special little girl and I am so happy that you all found each other- keeping you all in my thoughts!

  7. The very best of luck at your court date,



  8. I’m so glad you’ve got a court date–but that totally stinks about your home. Here’s hoping that you end up somewhere you like even better, and where you can stay awhile.

  9. So glad to hear you have a court date and can’t wait to hear all about it.

    How wonderful that you have been able to spend some more time with your mom and that she has been able to ward off some of the more difficult side effects right now. Every day together is so precious and I hope there are so many more for you all.

    The house thing really stinks. Any chance you’d want to move a little south to the LA area. I think we could have some pretty good times together. (-;

  10. As usual it sounds like you have your hands full! But I have every confidence that you’ll make the best choices of guardians and new homes. Sometimes being forced to make a decision and move forward is actually a good thing.

    That whole guardian issue is a big one. My parents never chose one for me and after my mom died, I remember having huge fights with my dad over who my guardian should be (I was 13). Thankfully we never had to use one but the whole issue scares me and we haven’t even adopted yet! 🙂

  11. Congratulations on the court date. I’ll be thinking about you all day on Thursday.

  12. […] visited her about every three months, watching her progression from death’s door and back to the living, including a family reunion no one thought she’d live to […]

  13. […] Mashed Up Mind (March). A mish-mash of jumbled thoughts from a time when I could barely form a coherent sentence. […]

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