four years gone

Four years ago this week, our lives were forever changed in ways that were difficult to fathom even then. The magnitude of what was happening soon become evident.

Our only child — who came to us after nearly a year and a half of trying to conceive — was slipping away before we would ever meet. Within the week, our son would be gone.

He never took a breath of life. I never even got to hold him.

But he was real. He was loved and cherished. His loss left a gaping hole in my heart and took a piece of my soul.

I still remember the events as they unfolded, just as it happened four years ago. I think about those dark days now and I feel an odd sort of comfort that only distance can provide. I don’t allow myself to go there so often anymore. But I still remember.

I still grieve for our baby boy and the child he would have become.

I still think of him and wonder what he’d be like, how his laugh would sound. Sometimes I picture what he’d look like, running around with his cousins. I think of the life we never had together.

I remember him when he was due to be born, though no one else does. I think about the poem I shared to honor him on the anniversary of his death. When we were trying to find a way to say an impossible goodbye, I could not imagine a future in which I would ever heal from the pain of losing him.

Even now, four years later, his loss leaves an indelible mark. They say that raw grief is like an open wound that over time heals into a deep scar that no one else can see or feel. I still feel the remnants of that scar. Sometimes I hold it close to my heart, for it is all I have left of him.

Last year as I remembered, I wrote about making peace with my heart, about forgiving my body for its failure to sustain him, for its inability to nurture life at all. As it was, he would be the only child that my love and I would ever make together.

Today we are blessed in other ways, with a beautiful daughter who somehow found her way to us. In all likelihood, she would not be with us now were it not for our baby boy. Even her name is a variation of the name we had in mind for our son — the name we would not give him before we met him — though we did not intentionally plan it that way. In a sense, it’s a lovely way to honor him, but the name is also unmistakably hers alone.

So this week I remember our baby boy and send my love out to the universe, to the soul who was not ready to join us four years ago. I hope we meet some day, my sweet boy.

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~ by luna on January 29, 2010.

28 Responses to “four years gone”

  1. I am so sorry for your loss…

  2. I wish more people would understand! Understand that I am upset or sad even though more then a year has passed. I wish more people would understand that some days are not as fun as others, parties, life events etc are somethings you want to skip. Thank you for making me feel normal again. I am sorry for your loss.

  3. Thinking of you & your sweet little boy today, Luna. (((hugs)))

  4. Abiding with you, and sending love your way. I’m glad you have a space to remember your beloved son here.

  5. so sad for your loss and so happy for your gain as well, its such sweet bitterness I guess. I didn’t make it very far along in our only pregnancies brought by with 5 IVF attempts and yet I would change anything at this point becasue I have met our child, our beautiful daughter. After the D&C I was to numb about it all to try and really heal, but last year I recieved all of our mdical file and found out it was a boy, that was hard, and yes I am with you I will always remember August 6th the day he was to be born.

  6. Even though that boy’s body didn’t make it to you, perhaps his soul did. Just in a different form.

    Abiding with you on this day of remembering.

  7. Thinking of you and sending hugs.

  8. I am in tears after reading about your loss. My heart absolutely aches for you. Thinking of you and your precious little boy.

  9. Remembering him with you, Luna. And thinking mightily of you all.

  10. Thinking of you, M, Baby J, and your son. For what it’s worth . . . as a Catholic I like to think of God holding our little ones (either born too soon or who passed in utero) fully healed and restored, in His gentle arms until we are reunited with them again someday.

  11. He will always be part of you, Luna. Sending hugs to you today and always.

  12. Remembering with you, Luna. Remembering your sweet baby boy.

    With love to you and M.

  13. Four years. Wow.

    It’s a long time to be without your child.

    Remembering your sweet son. Heavy heart.

    love B

  14. Abiding with you, luna. Abiding with you and cherishing your memories because you cherish them. (((hugs)))

  15. (((hugs)))

  16. he will forever be in your heart, soul and mind. Bless his soul and bless your heart as the years pass. He is your special memory even if everyone else forgets him.

  17. So sorry for the loss of your son. I will remember him with you.

  18. There are wounds that we carry that we just learn to live with somehow. They’re not supposed to go away, but they do transform you. Out of deep pain, we have an opportunity for it to become valuable… somehow in some way…. if we find the power to do it. I think intuitively there is a connection between the child you lost and the one you gained. Would it be silly of me to suggest that there is a part of your son that found you again through your daughter? His spark, not matter how brief, still exists. Nam myo ho renge kyo.

  19. Remembering your boy with you.

  20. Remembering and honoring his spirit with you. Many hugs.

  21. I am thinking of you and your precious little angel. Much love to you.

  22. Holding you and your baby boy close in my heart Luna. And crying tears for both of you and for what you both should have had.
    xxoo

  23. This post broke my heart — I can’t even imagine how hard it must’ve been these past few years to live with these memories. I will never forget your baby boy, either. Much love to you and your family.

  24. I’m remembering with you right now. ((HUGS))

  25. This post touched my heart, Luna. I beleive we see them again…our love is so great and they were literally joined to us…I can’t wrap my head around any other possibility but to see them again.
    Thinking of you and your sweet baby boy.

  26. Thinking of you and your family – and especially your mum – at the moment.

    Hugs.

  27. […] was due to give birth just days from the anniversary of our baby boy’s […]

  28. […] Four Years Gone (January). Remembering the son we never met, revisiting my grief as I do every year around this […]

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