mother’s day thoughts

This day means so much to so many, for better or worse. On one level I know it’s just a Hallmark holiday — a reminder to call and send a card to your dear old mother, and to be cherished by children and maybe a partner of your own while treated to brunch and flowers.

But not everyone still has a mom around to call or send flowers. And of course not every woman has children to remind her what a wonderful appreciated mother she is. For many, this day (and the anticipation leading up to it) are merely a painful reminder of what is missing from our lives, what we’ve lost, what we long for…

I’ve lived through enough Father’s Days without my dad (23 years) to know how empty these manufactured holidays can feel. And I’ve tried to have my own children without success for long enough (6 years) to know how painful this day can be.

While everyone is thinking about celebrating their mothers and children, today I am thinking about…

…all the women who have longed to become mothers, yet motherhood has eluded us.

…all the motherless children and others whose moms are no longer with us.

…all the mothers whose much wanted babies and children are no longer with us.

…all the mothers who gave birth to babies yet could not care for them.

…all the children who long to know know their biological parents but do not.

I am also thinking of my own journey — how long it has taken, how far we have come, how close we are…

Today it feels as if I am finally on the brink of motherhood. I have never said that before.

Yet today I am also thinking of all I have lost, including my beloved baby boy — the son who would call me mama, the toddler who would be nearly three.

Today I am thinking about my own mother and how she is pondering her own mortality. After recently being diagnosed with a rare liver tumor at age 70, she is wondering how much time and quality of life she has left and whether she will be able to know her grandchild. I am also thinking of my nana and how my mom must be missing her today too.

My mom has always written me cards, especially when she’s been unable to express her feelings. This time her words brought me to tears. After telling me how proud she is of what I stand for and all I have accomplished, she wrote: “I may not be here to see it all — but I will always be with you, with all my love.” Even now, the tears are still falling…

Still, the circle of life continues.

Yesterday K gave me the most beautiful card. On the front it says “mom” and she wrote “** to be! (and soon!)” Inside she wrote about how joyful she is to see my love for this baby. She wrote that she couldn’t have imagined a better mama for Baby, and how we three will make such a beautiful family. Of course that one made me cry too…

As wonderful as that is, though, my heart aches for K too. We sent her mom and grandma cards, and we gave K a potted lavender plant in full bloom and a card telling her (among other things) what an incredible person she is and our hopes for her, and how she has given Baby the best start in life with all her love and care. We told her she will always be family.

So on this day, I am a swirl of emotions. There is no brunch, there are no flowers. But there are lots of big thoughts and heavy feelings. And there are vegetables and herbs being planted in the garden, and butterflies being painted on little walls…

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~ by luna on May 10, 2009.

17 Responses to “mother’s day thoughts”

  1. Beautiful, Luna…emotions do run wild today.

  2. are you inside my head again? 🙂 … you’ve captured the sentiments of this day perfectly.

  3. Thank you, Luna. A beatiful post, on the verge of this next part of your journey. Baby is, indeed, going to be part of an amazing family.

  4. Beautiful post, with beautiful sentiments. I am sorry about your mother’s health. I am glad you have this time with her though, that she isn’t gone yet. I hope you have lots of time left together still.

    And Happy Mother’s Day, Luna.

  5. Such a beautiful post Luna. I’m so sorry about your mom’s health. I hope that there is still lots of time left for you both. Also what a wonderful card from K. It truly sounds like you have a wonderful relationship.

  6. You and K have such a warm, genuine, clear relationship.

    Good thoughts for your mom. And for you!

  7. Luna,
    I wish you celebrate your first Mother’s Day next year! Really really do. (And with K to complete the circle if you wish!!)
    My heart aches for your mom’s suffering. Life has been so bittersweet this year for you so far..

  8. I love your nursery! Due to space constraints and circumstances I never got a chance to decorate and prepare a nursery for my baby. M’s artwork is awesome!

  9. I keep thinking that your list sure covers a lot of people. So who exactly is happy to be celebrating this Hallmark Holiday??

    I hope something can be done to help your mom so that she can enjoy this new grandchild for a long, long time. (((hugs)))

  10. Wow, what an emotional day. I can’t wait to see what Mother’s Day is like for you next year!

  11. What a lovely post. Truly.

  12. […] I’ve said before, my mom recently discovered she is facing a life-threatening illness. This morning, she will undergo surgery at a world class institution in the Lonestar State, miles […]

  13. […] Mother’s Day, as I pondered the early stages of my mother’s illness, M and I did not presume to celebrate […]

  14. […] This time last year, I was approaching potential motherhood through open adoption. But clearly the day was not about me. It was about this young woman expecting her first child who, aside from some birthing preparation, determined she was in no way prepared to be a mother. […]

  15. […] I wasn’t sure what to make of it all. Yes, it was my first real Mother’s Day. But given how I’ve felt about the day in the past along with other issues surrounding it this year, it hardly seemed like a day of […]

  16. […] written about the time we’ve spent with K before. I’ve even shared her words and some of our conversations. So why would I share those experiences but not […]

  17. […] mother’s day wishes Two years ago, I was on the brink of motherhood as a young woman decided she was not prepared to become a mama […]

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