scattergorically speaking…

I know, it’s not a real word.  But my mind is scattered into a hundred thoughts and it’s hard to focus on just one… Even when I do focus on one thing at a time, soon I just move on to the next thought and nothing is resolved. Lots of deep breathing I’m doing these days… 

Should I describe how I feel about K’s approaching due date in two weeks and two months? Or about how we’re dealing with all the anticipation and planning, the inevitability and at the same time uncertainty… 

Should I write about what goes through my head as I think about the home birth K is planning? The honor and excitement of being included; the awe and fear… 

Should I tell you how our families are alternately both excited and scared for us? How they come to this situation from such a different place than we do. How they aren’t sure how to support us. How we’re reluctant to even involve them… 

Should I write about how everyone and their mothers are sharing parenting advice with us, even though it’s never been requested, and we’re not even parents yet for sure… 

Should I tell you about the furniture we ordered for the nursery-now-in-progress, and about all the things being offered second-hand? Or how I am so tempted to buy delicious newborn things, yet sadly part of the old infertile skeptic in me still quietly wonders if we will really ever need them…

Can I tell you how many people presume to know what we’re going through, even though they’ve never adopted a child or survived infertility…

Or how, when I tell someone that we’re adopting, the reactions are so very, well, mixed — ranging from “how wonderful!” to “oh…,” to “I have a friend who tried to adopt but it didn’t go through, it was so awful!”  Thanks for sharing, really…

Can I tell you how many people assume I will run right back to work, because you know, I won’t have to give birth and all… Or how I don’t even know if I’d have a job to return to anyway, even if I wanted it… 

Can I tell you how many people inexplicably feel the right to question the openness of the relationship we hope to maintain with K and her family? (This one really bugs me…) 

Should I tell you how we are starting to think about names but refuse to share them with anyone but K? And how I am reminded about the last time we thought of names yet never settled before it was too late… 

Should I tell you how long it took me to finally tell M to cancel my birthday trip in May, when K will be 38 weeks, because we had planned to be far away and off the grid for a few days on our dream weekend getaway? And how I can’t seem to come up with an alternate plan?

Should I share my anxieties about this adoption falling through, for whatever reason, and how we’ll have run out of money?

Can I tell you I’ve been writing letters to this baby, even though s/he may never be mine? Or how somedays I feel in my heart that we will bring this child home, while other days I continue to question everything… 

Right now, I can’t seem to say much more about any of these thoughts that are swirling around. But thanks anyway, I think I feel a little better already… 

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~ by luna on March 17, 2009.

34 Responses to “scattergorically speaking…”

  1. Oh, Luna. That is one of the most beautiful posts I have ever read.

    Wow.

    It amazes me how some people think they have the right to ask and question so much, when it’s often none of their damn business.

    I am thinking of you. I am thinking WONDERFUL things for you. XOX

  2. I think you’ve said plenty, all of which are perfectly logical. I think some of the worst (and sometimes best) emotions to have are conflicting ones. It’s so hard to hope for the best while at the same time half expecting the worst. What I’m happy about, though, is if you read back over that list, there is more hope couched in your words than not. I know that to hold all the pieces out in your hands and look at them all it’s scary, but oh, what beautiful pieces to have, and I have hope that they’ll all come together exactly how we want them to in a couple of months.

  3. Oh my goodness yes to all of that. I wish I could make time go faster for you. Since I can’t, know that I’m holding your hand through all of it.

  4. Hugs to you. I can imagine that all of these thoughts and more are swirling through your head and I know if it were me I’d have horrible insomnia since I couldn’t turn my head off. Hope you’re not having that problem.

  5. Girlfriend, you have a ton plus two tons of stuff on your mind these days, understandably so. I am thinking of you, wishing you peaceful moments at least occasionally, and hoping this time soon becomes another memory of the long road of infertility. Holding your hand as you wait, hoping with you for everything to finally turn out right.

  6. Even with just a sentence or two about each thought, you’ve expressed them here. So much to think about! My thoughts are with you guys.

  7. I can relate to what you’re going through. We were matched with only about 2 months to wait, but I went through all those same emotions. I could always feel the excitement and hope bubbling just below the surface. Every once in a while I would let it out briefly, but always draw it back in before it consumed me. It was impossible not to be cautious and try to remember that it could all fall through, especially when my husband refused to be too hopeful. We collected lots of hand-me-downs, but didn’t set up the nursery until a week or two out, and even then we didn’t decorate, but just put out the essentials. It’s self-preservation. I always called it cautiously optimistic.

    A lot of people in our lives don’t understand open adoption either. I think it’s hard to get it unless you’ve adopted.

    Hang in there!!

  8. Share whatever you want to (or not), Luna. You know we will be here to read/listen & send you cyber(((hugs))).

  9. Breathing with you.

  10. If I were you, I’d crawl into a dark cave without phone access until sometime in May. But that’s just me. All the contradictions and the hope without wanting to and assvice sounds suspiciously like something else we’re all familiar with starting with i-n-f-e-r . . . well, you know.

    Hang tight. Here chewing my nails off with you.

  11. Yes yes yes yes yes. We’re at such a similar place with so many of these. As our therapist says, we’re learning to live with and hold this ambiguity and it’s hard and easy and good and bad all at the same time.

    Right here with you, inside the computer and a short drive away.

  12. Yep. So true. All of it.

    That time between being chosen and baby’s birth is like purgatory in a way. You want to get excited and plan, but it’s so scary to let yourself think that heaven is really in your future. In my case, part of me always *knew* what the end result would be, but I have the opposite feeling for you and M.

    Praying, hoping, wishing, concentrating, that heaven awaits you. And soon.

  13. I think the period is the worst: between the “we succeeded!” moment and the final denouement. It’s near intolerable and eternal, with its diametrically opposed emotions and endless waiting.

    You’re doing the right thing: Just rolling with it, even with indecision and waffling. If you’re not ready to shop or name, it’s not time. You’ll be ready eventually and you’ll manage to get everything done.

  14. It sounds like you’re handling this stressful time with courage and grace.

  15. I think this is where that phrase “abiding with you” fits. Caught in the bubble of what if this all goes away, what can I hold to? I painted the room and now, I’m feeling the colour is not exactly right, but then light in the room changes and then it’s fine. Then I think, what the hell did I just do?! When you know too much, it’s hard to just rest comfortably in the now. It’s all human, it’s all normal, it’s all very uncomfortable. Mmmm, wish I could have a tea with you.

  16. I check in here every day and I am thinking good thoughts for you. I wish I had something better to say, to help you the way this blog helps me.

  17. All sounds very rationally insane to me. I’m thinking of you. Two weeks and two months will go so very quickly…

    I hope to see a picture of that joyful nursery sometime.

  18. Yes, tell us all those things.

  19. While I’m not in the same place, you nailed this on the head so well. The ups the downs, the beliefs ths disbelief, the idiots the love – it’s all so everywhere. Just scattered, everywhere.

  20. After all these years, it never ceases to amaze me how you are able to express exactly what is going on in my head. Only way more eloquently.

  21. (*hugs*) I can only imagine the anxiety, facing the entire slew of unknowns, hoping yet trying to stay grounded. I don’t know what to say, except I’m thinking of all of you.

  22. Oh Luna. Can’t wait till the day this pressure is lifted, and hopefully the release sounds like a screaming baby. Two and a half months. Arghhhh. You need a very long HBO tv series (on dvd) to carry you through. A few glasses of red, a soak in the spa, and lots of chocolate.

    Hugs, excited squirms, and nervous giggles

    Holding my breath for you (while trying to breathe with you) is that possible?

    B

  23. Ah, Luna, your brain works just like mine. So many things to think and rethink … and the nerve, really, of some people to presume and assume (!!) Wishing you quiet in your head so that the competing thoughts running through your mind settle down, and peace in your heart as the days move forward.

  24. So much on your mind and so much hope! I hope that this time flies by and then that you are able to stop and take stock of the abundance of riches that you so deserve!

  25. Thinking of you.

  26. I am glad you were able to set them down at least this far.

    May I plan the birthday trip? I just read about a town that is somewhat near you and thought as I read the magazine how great it would be for you. Perhaps it is kismet that I read this random article.

  27. What is it about family building that makes people think they can give you all kinds of assvice?

    Beautifully written post Luna.

  28. Thinking good thoughts for you. But, I completely understand the skeptism. When I told a group of people I was adopting, one man said “You better take that made in Korea sticker off right away.” I was stunned. Fortunately those comments were in the minority.

  29. Lots of hugs…you are so strong.

  30. I loved reading this little insights into what you are thinking.

    I am curious, why does the openness question bother you? It is something I could imagine myself asking because it is an interesting topic to me.

  31. @kami, thanks for your comment.

    it’s not that I mind being asked about the open relationship. I actually really enjoy talking about it — i.e., how and why we envision extending our family to include K’s.

    what I have a hard time with is when people actually question the why or the how, when it is clear that (a) those decisions are ours to make in the best interest of the child, and (b) we are in the best position to make them.

    we realize that most people have little direct experience with open adoption, and that the concept of real openness can seem foreign to many. but what bothers me is when the comments and questions come from a place of fear and/or judgment, where there is no willingness to empathize or try to understand…

    I guess what it also goes to is this mistaken idea that this baby will magically appear out of “nowhere,” with little regard for his/her origin and history. I get the sense that some might prefer to keep it that way out of ignorance and fear. and that is not where we’re coming from at all…

    hope that makes sense…

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