resistance is futile

I’m still here, just having a hard time finding the time, energy and words to write.

After a whirlwind weekend away for a family celebration and a busy week at work, I can’t seem to get through my google reader. Sorry for not keeping up with you, my friends, but I am buried in unread posts and tweets. Not sure if I will actually get through them all, or if I will simply hit the reset button. So if I miss any big news or fail to support you in your moment of need, please forgive me and know that I wish you the very best. It’s not you, it’s me. 

To be honest, I’m having a hard time hearing about anyone’s pregnancy but K’s. I can’t seem to read about people in the midst of treatment, with all the hope and optimism, all the options ahead. It’s just so foreign to me right now.

I’m so focused  on what I need to do to prepare my life for our possibilities — whatever they may be — that all I want is either immersion or distraction. Does that make sense? I’m either building a registry of essential items and want to review every possible thing, or I’m throwing myself into work, or cooking, or escaping with a silly show or an engaging movie. (Why can’t I put that energy into cleaning our house? It sure as hell needs it…) 

Or maybe I’m tweeting because I can’t seem to write more than 140 characters at a time. Or articulate a coherent string of thoughts.  

Did you say something? Sorry. 

I am trying to find ways to process where we are at this point — dealing with family, friends and colleagues and their varied responses to our situation, their varying levels of interest, support, and involvement. 

I am thinking about how our lives may change in just a few months — for better or worse. 

Yet I am trying hard to remain in this moment. The here and now. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Not April or June. But now. And now.  

Yet as you can imagine, that is very hard to do while you are researching infant carseats. Just saying. 

I think I talk a good game about being open to all possibilities. But some days this shit is hard. Right now it is beautiful and wonderful. Yet I know how crushed we would be if this potential placement falls through. Even if it would be for the best.

Still. It is hard not to get attached to the idea that we could (finally) become parents before the end of spring. 

I’m also trying to forget that other thing that will happen before the end of spring. Soon I will be 40. Right now that’s hanging over me like a ton of bricks waiting to drop on my head the minute I look away. (I imagine this dread will be a recurring theme.) I could probably write a book of things I’d like to forget right now…

What would you like to forget?

By the way, the comments on my last post were so beautiful. I was profoundly moved by your generosity. Many thanks to you all.

As M has said before, “what a fucking journey” this continues to be… 

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~ by luna on March 12, 2009.

12 Responses to “resistance is futile”

  1. I’ve been thinking about you and K. I can’t imagine what this like to live through, so many emotions and such an amazing future ahead, but with such a risk. I know you will get through it and I’m hoping that things continue to be beautiful and wonderful for all of you.

  2. What would I like to forget? As much as I’d like to forget some things, I’ll have to say nothing. My losses and bad experiences have been marginal, though. While going through some things they may have been difficult in the moment, but for the most part I think those experiences changed me for the better in the long run.

    I completely understand. When in the thick of things, I could never find the words to describe my mentality – either immersion or distraction…those are perfect words for it.

    I understand. And I’m still here waiting (sometimes impatiently) for the next update.

  3. It must be so hard not to think about where you’ll be in a few months. I think the lack of control over the outcome is the scary part. Don’t apologize for not writing… we appreciate any updates you share. 🙂

    I know that in my case, adoption is constantly in my thoughts (on the good side, it’s been better than thinking about IF all of the time). Sometimes distractions only take you so far. ::hugs::

  4. (*hugs*) I can only imagine how terrifying the whole process must be. Wanting to be hopeful, but also wanting to be cautious. Ungh. I’ve been trying to put myself in your shoes, with my latest miscarriage and starting the repeat loss testing, I have been thinking more and more about adoption. What kind I would do, how it might go, how scary it might be… just trying to analyze all options on the road to parenthood.

    I don’t know what I would like to forget. Maybe the pain from my last miscarriage… it now has me immobilized with fear at the mere thought of getting pregnant again… I wouldn’t want to forget the baby, and losing it… just the physical pain. Of course, my mind if already working on trying to forget that though…

    My thoughts are with you. I think about you and this adoption often. I really hope it continues to go well, and that you get that wonderful baby at the end of all this. (*hugs*)

  5. Please don’t feel the need to apologise either for not writing or for not commenting. Sometimes we all need to take some time out.

    I am thinking of you as you try to tread that fine line between staying grounded in the present and looking to the future.

  6. … And there is no one I would rather be on this fuckin’ journey with, good or bad, than you. I love you.

  7. Hang in there. I hope the coming weeks offer some calmness in all the wait for you and M.

  8. You just want to DO right now, not ponder, not think, not wonder, not write it all out. You just want to DO. You want action. I feel the same way, with all the babydust going around, I just want a production of my own to work towards.

  9. Oh, yeah – what I’d like to forget? I’d like to forget every bitter realization that the things I most yearned for I could not have. If I could forget that, I could have hope that would not be tempered with doubt.

  10. Great post title (she says up to her eyeballs in newspapers unpacking cardboard boxes; barely moving due to a certain someone’s very vocal snoozing which got me up at 4:45 am….zzzzz. oh, that’s right I was taking a break from unpacking glassware. Where the F*(# did we accumulate so many glasses?) What would I like to forget? I can’t remember 🙂 …hang in there, my friend.

  11. One of the hardest parts about planning for a maybe baby is that one has to let down a few more walls than usual. You actually have to start buying the stuff that you never let yourself buy before, which alone is a huge step, and when that wall comes down others will follow. It’s a very difficult, exciting, unfamiliar place to be.

    Wishing you the best as you navigate this new place.

  12. Lovely Luna – You don’t have a 2ww, you have a 6 month wait (well only 3 left). It must require some amazing mental gymnastics to get through each day with the right amount of hope, keeping real, holding fear at bay, Aghhhhhhh. I’m feeling it with you.

    I like your title – resistance is futile – but non-the-less, I seem to be hell bent on wanting to go down trying. Is the worst fight (you know between you and the universe) the moment before acceptance?

    I think about you often, the way you have found acceptance in this journey (and yes I know you don’t always FEEl it but I SEE it all the time, mostly in your openess and love) is an inspiration to me over and over.

    Take care

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