time is relative, part two

Warning: long post ahead. To read part one, click here. 

We first met K nearly two months ago, on a cold rainy day near the end of 2008. The connection we felt was powerful. We wondered whether the course of our lives was possibly changing in those moments…  

When we first learned of K’s situation in early December, she was just 14.5 weeks pregnant, with nearly 6 months still to go. We were still waiting to begin our outreach. We sent K an email, which I followed up with a link to our website when it went live a few days later.  

K made her first contact the very next day. She was nearly 16 weeks pregnant and making an adoption plan for her baby. That day was my blogoversary and also my dad’s birthday (which held special significance for me and M). We didn’t yet know that K had also received our outreach letter from her midwives, who were on the mailing list I’d created last fall.

We first met K when she was 17 weeks pregnant, on the auspicious winter solstice. We had an amazing three hour meeting and time flew by. Afterwards, we tried not to get too attached as we waited to see what, if anything, might happen next. Those days were filled with excitement, anticipation, and more than a little anxiety.

After some more intensive correspondence, we were overjoyed and speechless when K asked us to parent her baby. She was about 18 weeks pregnant, with more than 5 months still to go.

While we were thrilled, it was still relatively early in K’s pregnancy and we knew everything could change. We wanted to ensure that K had support as she continued to revisit this enormous decision. Yet we were grateful to even have this chance, that our lives had even crossed paths…

Last spring, as we were completing our application to initiate the adoption process, answering questions about our deep desire to parent, K was meeting the father of her soon-to-be baby. In late summer, around when we finished our draft letter (before a much-needed vacation), K conceived in a magical place that would later connect us. K realized she was pregnant at about the time our home study was completed and we became eligible to adopt. In the fall, as I grew frustrated with the slow progress of our outreach, K struggled with her decision. In the days that I felt overwhelmed by it all, K resolved to make an adoption plan and educated herself about the process…

Six months after we declared we were ready to become adoptive parents (by submitting our application in June), K asked us to parent her baby. If K places her baby with us this June, a year will have passed since we set the process in motion (with six years of active family building effort behind us). 

Since that day in December, the weeks have been connected by emails, phone calls, visits, counseling and support meetings for all of us. There have also been some silences, which have been handled by me and M with varying degrees of comfort and anxiety, depending on the moment. It feels as though we’ve been building a foundation upon which our relationship could extend to family. 

At K’s 21 week appointment, we took our first pictures together and heard the baby’s heartbeat. At some point between weeks 21-23, K admitted she no longer fit into most of her clothes, so we went shopping. We were discussing her pregnancy and how people react to bellies and babies, and the industry of baby-hood. We agreed that babies don’t need all that much in the beginning. Yet K had seen our not-yet nursery and knew we’d still need to do some work to prepare for Baby’s arrival. That day we had a conversation that went something like this:

K (with certainty): “Well, you’ve got 4 months.”

Me (with relief): “I know, we still have 4 months!”

K (with emphasis): “No, I mean you only have 4 months!”

And we both laughed.

To me, that four months seems like an eternity, a time during which anything can happen (though I wouldn’t say that to K). Yet to K, that four months is right around the corner and couldn’t come fast enough. To me, her decision to place with us is something to be revisited at every step. To her, it seems like a certainty that has given her much relief (until now, at least). 

We view this time through such different lenses. Our conversation was just an indication of how differently we approach this life-changing event, the impending birth of K’s baby — this already beloved by all child.

K is now 25 weeks pregnant, soon entering her third trimester. Her due date is in 15 weeks, about 3.5 months away. Her young body is changing every day. She feels the baby move all the time. 

K is more pregnant now than I have ever been. It’s not hard to remember that, at nearly twice her age today, I too was once due in June, three (long) years ago… 

Still, June seems like an eternity away, though I realize it’s coming up fast. K says she is feeling ready to get on with her life. The hard work of carrying her ever-changing and growing body is becoming a challenge, and she is anticipating laboring and struggling to reclaim her body and her life once the baby is born.

This time together has been so precious. Every visit we spend with K just feels good and right. And so far, easy. I believe this bond may also enable us to better anticipate K’s pain, to empathize with K and her ultimate loss. This young woman who we have come to know and love and already regard as family may soon be grieving and yearning to return to her life. Will ours then be starting anew? 

Only time will tell.


~ by luna on February 17, 2009.

30 Responses to “time is relative, part two”

  1. […] To be continued…  […]

  2. Beautifully put. I so hope your lives will continue on this happy, connected path.

  3. Beautiful post. I hope that things continue well for all of you.

  4. I suppose it’s all hourglass half empty, hourglass half full.

    Waiting with you.

  5. These are two beautiful posts, Luna. As you suggest, the waiting and the uncertainty are among the hardest aspects of infertility.

    I am thinking of you and K as you both begin to look to the future.

  6. I hope things continue on this path, I hope the wait ends how it should end for you. Until it does, I will keep you in my thoughts and wait with you.

  7. I have been wondering how you are doing with a June due date. And for what it’s worth, I think you are handling the uncertainty and are remaining steadfastly open to the possibility of change in the plan with your characteristic grace. May these remaining weeks tic away in peace.

  8. Lovely! I suppose your infertility history makes this kind of waiting both harder and easier. I’m glad so many people love K’s baby and are making good use of these months, however they’re visualized!

  9. I’ve noticed, too, how waiting changes when something truly awful has happened to you before. From the oblivious outside, four months is a flash in the pan, but for you two, who have been through so much, it seems like an endless string of potential trouble.

    I hope you’ll keep in the moment. And if you do, could you bottle some of that up and send it my way? I’m having a hell of a time with that…

  10. When you’ve been waiting and mourning, 4 months is too long indeed! I hope your journey with K ends with new beginnings for both of you – for her new life and a new life with baby for you!

  11. Thank you for sharing your thoughts in these posts. Sometimes it’s so hard to let go of control and accept things as they come… yet so much of infertility and adoption asks us to do just that. I wish you, your husband and K peace over the next four months and I hope things work out well for everyone.

  12. I love this portrayal of time. I picture your own path. And K’s path. And how until the point the intersect, you don’t know that the other exists, and the you’re heading toward each other.

    It is this feeling of imminence that I wish I could impart to anyone who feels like they are beyond answers and out of patience. People on either path.

  13. you said it. i wish you the best possible outcome.
    thought i truly feel, from how your portray her, that k is the real deal.

  14. Beautiful post. I hope that things continue working out.

  15. wow. This is amazing. You are amazing.

    Holding out for this kid’s entrance into this world. What a joyous day it will be. Somehow, while it will be complicated, I don’t think K will regret the fact that she chose you two to parent her child.

  16. It all feels like it’s moving fast to me, but then I’m only reading the updates…wishing you a speedy and joyous June.

  17. So glad you’ve found K, and hoping with all my might that things work out. Four months!

  18. I’m enjoying these a lot. Very well written. And holy so fast!

  19. What a wonderful post. I loved overlaying the time lines each of you are experiencing.

    It really struck me how K is heading toward grieving a loss (and choosing it) while you are heading toward such joy. Amazing. It is another reason why there is no such thing as “just adopt”. It isn’t just the adoptive parents who struggle, it is the biological mother (parents) as well.

  20. Funny how one person’s four months can be so different from another’s. I wish you a very speedy four months, Luna!!

  21. Waiting with you too (and with you three) and sending all of you peace of heart.

  22. It’s amazing how differently time moves when waiting is involved.

    June. It’s coming. Waiting here with you, everything crossed. Always.

  23. Thank you for posting this. We’re in the waiting process right now — waiting again after a previous match didn’t work out. I haven’t started blogging yet — I write privately — but I’m considering it, and I’ve been reading adoption blogs for quite a while. I’m glad to have found yours.

  24. […] time to get to know each other better before any final decision would be made. (Of course that time would work against us too, if we were to spend it worrying about all the things that could go […]

  25. […] K at this moment in time has been like a dream for us. Not a certainty in any sense, but a very hopeful possibility — […]

  26. […] right though…     As for us, you could say that time both flies and stands still. The relativity of time still blows my mind. One day K’s due date feels like an eternity away, and the next day I get […]

  27. […] the uncertainty and accepting the fear before I could completely let go and flow with this process. Time was relative and distorted, and it seemed we had so very long to wait before K’s due […]

  28. […] realize we’ve been spoiled with the ease of our relationship with K. But that came with time and a lot of effort. From our initial meeting in which we felt an instant connection with K, to […]

  29. […] begun getting serious, as she was just five months pregnant and the next four months seemed like an eternity away. But we intended to approach the issue with K and see what her thoughts […]

  30. […] about the time we’ve spent with K before. I’ve even shared her words and some of our conversations. So why would I share those experiences but not […]

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