a new kind of wait

One year ago today, I had just made my way home from the clinic with two gorgeous 8-celled clusters for what we hoped was safe-keeping for a good, long nine months. It was a dangerous kind of hope we had then — the kind that tells you at this very moment you are pregnant, you overcame all those obstacles, this is the best chance you’ve had in years, of course it will last!

During that two week wait, my emotions ranged from hopeful to fearful, until I finally tested on January 2, having allowed us the new year to ponder what good things this year would bring. I didn’t even have the beta. The despair I felt staring at that glaring white void at 11dp3dt set me over the edge. I don’t think I ever fully recovered from that moment on the babymaking front. Deep inside, I think we knew then that my deathtrap of a womb uterus was not ever going to bring us a baby. Sure, we tried an FET in March, allowed ourselves to hope again and endured another short wait. But of course it failed too.

Today I can reflect back in amazement on the year it has been, on how far we’ve come. But enough of that. That is for another time. 

Right now I am sitting at home at my desk, trying not to check my email every minute. 

Yesterday we had a wonderful meeting with an expectant mom. Yet as great as we think it went, we can’t know for sure. Like infertility, the outcome is beyond our control. 

All we know at this point is that this possibility is just that. We don’t know how this will go. We don’t know for sure if or when there will be a next step. We can hope and wish and dream and wonder. And yesterday, we did.

After three hours of talking to this amazing young woman, trying to get to know each other a little, being impressed by her passion and determination, and walking away feeling like we have a great connection, we allowed ourselves to consider The Ultimate:

What if she’s the one? What if she will bring the baby we are meant to parent into this world? 

There are so many factors that would make this a great match for us, better than we could have dared to imagine. But ultimately she must decide what is best for her and this baby. She may decide another family is a better fit. She may change her mind about placement. Anything can happen. 

What I found myself saying yesterday to those we shared this news with is this: We are trying to remain open to this process wherever it takes us, yet unattached to the outcome.

But that is really, really hard. Especially now that we’ve met her. Now that we’ve seen what an incredible young woman she is. It’s hard to stay in the moment and not consider the possibilities. 

We can’t think about the other families she is considering, because that doesn’t matter. We can’t think about a lot of things. We know that if she were to decide on a different direction, it would be because that is what’s best. We will have had an incredible experience having met and interacted with her. And we would go back to square one, hoping to find another match that might be a better fit in some way. 

For now, we can only keep ourselves open, and try to support her in her decision.  

Yet it is so hard to sit back with patience and not consider what might happen next — knowing it could be nothing, wondering if it could be everything. 

Either way, this wait is going to be very hard…

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~ by luna on December 22, 2008.

37 Responses to “a new kind of wait”

  1. It won’t make it easier, but it will make it less lonely. I will wait and pray with you.

  2. Seems like an added dimension of difficulty to this wait is that you don’t have a timeline — you could hear from her now (or now? now?) or weeks from now. At least the 2WW is two weeks for sure!

    I wonder if your openness to all possibilities will send good signals — the same as when people desperately looking for a relationship can’t meet anyone, but someone who’s just fallen in love has to beat suitors away with a stick.

    I hope that the wait is short, and even more that you get an answer you’re looking for very soon.

  3. Man oh man, this might be an even harder wait cuz now there’s personalities and “fit” involved, and how could anyone possibly refuse the two of you? I hope I haven’t made anything worse by saying the previous, but I meant it to lead to the fact that while I’m not always the most positive person about the “fate” of our situation, deep down I think things happen for a reason. They can suck in the meantime, but they happen for a reason. So if she doesn’t choose you, hopefully it’s because there’s an even better fit waiting out there for you two:-)

  4. I can only imagine how excruciating this wait must be. I know it can be dangerous considering the possibilities, but allow yourself this, just for a moment. It keeps hope alive. Sending you best wishes!

  5. Oh luna, this is hard hard hard and yet so exciting too (!!), but I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to get too attached — and yet how can you help but be attached in some fashion? This is real life, this is the stuff you’ve been preparing for, and you’re human. Of course you hope. It was a bit easier for us to stay detached with our brief contact with a potential birthmom, because at least we hadn’t met her, so she wasn’t somehow as real … but meeting an actual expectant mother and thinking she’s great? Wow. That’s when you know that real life is happening. One way or another, people’s lives are going to change because of the decisions that this young woman is making. Witnessing that has to be an enormously emotional experience, no matter how it turns out.

    Wishing you all strength and wisdom.

  6. This is one thing I’m most nervous about as we move forward. How can you keep your distance in a case like this, after you’ve made a good connection? I wish I had an answer for you! I think it’s wonderful that your profile is attracting the right kind of people. And I hope you won’t have to look beyond this young woman. I wish you the best in this wait.

  7. Unattached? Been there, tried that. It *is* hard. And you can tell yourself (and we can too!) all the platitudes about how whatever happens is best for the mom/baby, but fuck it will hurt if it’s not you. And know that we’re here waiting — just like it was a 2ww — and that we’ll be here for you when you have an outcome — even if it’s a glaring blank white space.

    You know I hope it’s not. I’m just so afraid to exhale.

  8. I cannot keep myself from being hopeful for you in this moment. I will be thinking of you, and of the expectant mom you’ve met, in these coming days, wishing peace for each of you.

  9. Hoping and waiting with you.

  10. I’m so glad everything went well! I hope things continue to go well and that you won’t have to wait very long for an answer.

    Always with the waiting, eh? Hang in there! I’m thrilled that you have this possibility.

  11. Look what happens when I take a week to plow through mountains of work– I miss such wonderfully exciting happenings. I am happy for you. Happy that you are where you are, with so much already accomplished, that your meeting was this good, even that you were able to go through the process of putting your life into words and pictures and emerge having apparently achieved the best outcome possible for that particular phase– getting yourselves right in those words.
    I am not big on meant to be or for a reason, at least for myself. For you what I will say is that I have faith in you, in that you did this enormous work with open hearts and unflinching honesty. And that things like that come through. And that one day there has to be someone who will see that it would be the right family for the baby by who she is trying to do her very best.
    I, of course, vote for sooner rather than later. And I vote for my previous vote to count. Hear that, Universe?

  12. Equanimity. Very very difficult. I know. Waiting with you.

  13. Waiting ever so impatiently with bated breath and every ounce of hope that I can muster.

  14. Wow, Luna – waiting is so, so difficult. I am glad that you had a good first meeting. It sounds like you were able to convey what you wanted to about yourselves, and that you feel confident about how you presented yourselves as a couple. And made a connection. No regrets then.

    But waiting nonetheless…

    Lots of us are pulling for you! And no matter what happens, you will never be back at square one. You have already accomplished so much on the path of adoption. You have cleared tons of hurdles, and learned a lot about the process, and about yourselves as part of that process. So regardless of this woman’s decision, you have all of that with which to move forward.

    I will be thinking of you as you try to balance the hope and the fear.

  15. I have taken to checking email incessantly. Not like I wasn’t doing it before, but now I really am, in hopes that our match has contacted our agency or anyone…this is all agonizingly out of our control!

  16. I’m hoping with all my heart that you hear back from this young woman soon. May this holiday season bring you peace and joy.

  17. I’m hyperventilating just reading this post so I can only imagine what you and Mr. Luna must be feeling. Wow. Just wow. I’m so hoping this all works out for the best — there’s great progress here and reason to be filled with hope…

  18. If it’s any consolation, I was not able to believe in / trust in the process until AFTERWARDS.

    Hoping for you and sitting with you while you wait.

  19. Holding onto so many hopeful and happy thoughts for you, Luna.

  20. I could write an entire book in response to what you wrote and shared and are experiencing. Thank you for hoping that this young woman, and the precious child she is carrying, find just the right situation, be it with you or elsewhere. Although I am sure we would have loved any baby that was referred to us, we truly believe that our Lil Pumpkin was specifically intended to be ours, and us to be hers. I KNOW that you will come to experience that same emotion, too.

  21. Wow. It sounds difficult. I know I would be so emotionally attached. I hope for you that all things work out well for everyone.

  22. I’m so glad the meeting went so well! You are really onto the next phase. This part can be tough but sounds like you’re both doing really well so far. How exciting the new year might have such a wonderful possibility!

  23. What an amazing, complicated and heart wrenching process!

    I will pray for you and the expectant mum – that you both have the courage to accept and embrace what is right, whatever that may be. Holding hope for you Luna. I know you would really be an amazing parent.

  24. Luna, I can relate. Roughly a year ago I found out I was pregnant and there was renewed hope for the new year. Now this year is coming to a close and it’s like I never was…
    You have really come a long way from IVF to adoption, and you have advanced yourselves so much in this process, really taken the bull by the horns. How many different ways can I say: I want this to work for you? Well consider every possible way said.

    (…and I know it is hard to not get attached to the process, when I was pregnant with Daniella my husband did not want me to get attached. How do you NOT get attached to the very tangible possibility of having a child???…so hear that too…)

  25. Waiting with you. Hoping for you that you soon find that child you were meant to parent.

  26. Wow, just catching up on some blog reading & I was so happy to read this!! I will be waiting along with you, with fingers & toes crossed!!

  27. What you’ve described is indeed a very different kind of wait. I wait with you, Luna, with all the hope that I have. XO.

  28. let me tell you, when we were matched with our daughters birthmother (H) (this was only weeks after we were in CO on a failed match ), we were told by our social worker that H felt we were not excited about her pgcy and being matched with us. We were so scared to bet excited, but eventually we let our guard down knowing we could not control what the outcome might be. It is such a scary road to go down, but I really hope this works for you as it did for us. How far along is the birthmother? (I’ll keep peeking in for updates. Fingers crossed for you).

  29. I am just sitting with you during the wait–wishing the woman peace, wishing you peace.

  30. As the other commenters before me here, I am sitting and waiting with you.

  31. It is amazing how things come full circle. Wishing you only the best outcome at the end of this wait…HUGS

  32. […] We weren’t entirely sure how she felt about us, but it seemed to go so well. We started to wonder whether this could be for […]

  33. […] We had an amazing three hour meeting and time flew by. Afterwards, we tried not to get too attached as we waited to see what, if anything, might happen next. Those days were filled with excitement, anticipation, […]

  34. […] with the ease of our relationship with K. But that came with time and a lot of effort. From our initial meeting in which we felt an instant connection with K, to building our bond over time, our hearts opened […]

  35. […] One year ago today, we met K for the first time. […]

  36. […] Kaye — so many common interests and values — but we really had no idea what she felt. All we could do was wonder whether we might have just met the woman who would make us […]

  37. […] solemnly tried to remain open to the process without being attached to the […]

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