out of whack

Between NaBloPoMo and IComLeavWe, I can’t even begin to keep up with my google reader, so I’m not even going to try. You all are posting way too much. Give a sister a break, won’t ya? 

I’m finding it hard to focus these days, more so than usual. I’m not as productive as I should be at work. I’m either starting things and not finishing them, or I can only work on one thing at a time. My usual motivation and multi-tasking talents are inexplicably inconsistent. Some days I have to be on, at meetings and on conference calls, but other days I have no energy to even file. I’m way too easily distracted from my tasks, especially when working from home. Shh. 

I don’t even feel like venting about the growing belly in my office. Wait, strike that, I do, but I also realize what little good it will do, so what’s the point?  She’ll keep getting bigger, attracting more attention, it will become harder to avoid her eyes or midsection, then will come the shower, her labor, the announcement, pictures, and inevitable baby on parade display. Oohs and aahs. Me feeling like crap about feeling like crap. Same old. 

The more I deal with pregnancy and birth announcements, the more detached I get. The more I hear about families that keep on growing, the more I need to distance myself. 

I’m having a hard time falling asleep, so I stay up late reading or on the computer, sometimes watching late night TV. Then I’m tired in the morning, of course. I fuel myself with tea and healthy food but I still crash in the afternoon. Acupuncture used to help with energy, but it’s so damn expensive. Plus it’s forever linked with my failed attempts to conceive. I’m not getting good exercise, and I’m heavier than I’ve ever been.

I’ve been avoiding things like going to the dentist and lack the energy to argue with my insurance company over an old medical bill for $700. My car died yesterday, after putting about $1000 worth of work into it. It’s an old beater, and thankfully it was just the battery (which was only $130 to replace) but still. Annoying and distracting. 

I’ve been craving sugar like a madwoman. If I don’t get it, all I can think about is when I will. When I do get it, I want more. Even when I eat healthy, I want dessert. All I want is comfort food. 

I’m sure it’s partly stress. Maybe it’s partly depression. I imagine much of it has to do with living with uncertainty. Which can be stressful and depressing. Hmm.  

Deep breathing works only for the moment. It helps me overcome a particular wave of angst, but not the underlying sense of unease. There’s always something else I can or should be doing, with work, with adoption outreach, at home. Never feeling satisfied, rarely feel still or peaceful. Not a happy place to be. 

I think I’m anticipating being done with our outreach and knowing this will soon be out of our hands. That feeling of not being able to do anything more. Not being able to plan. Not knowing anything. Balancing hope with reality. Needing to go on living a normal life despite that nothing feels normal, that we have no idea if or when or how our lives will ever change in the way we’ve been trying, hoping, wishing and working for so long… Yeah, that must be it. 

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~ by luna on November 19, 2008.

19 Responses to “out of whack”

  1. Honey, I hate to break it to you, but this sounds like depression to me. Distance and distraction, listlessness and exhaustion, sleeplessness and numbness. All signs of depression.

    And it’s hardly surprising. Not only have you been through a hell of a lot in the last year or so, but you’re coming off of this huge push to get yourself in the adoption pool. You experienced that huge relief of being in CONTROL of your own destiny, if only for a short while. You were a flurry of activity, and now it’s mostly over. No wonder you’re depressed: your control is gone and your surge of adrenaline is no longer needed.

    I wish I had the answer for what to do about it. Obviously, cut yourself some slack, but you seem to be doing that okay. As for the rest of it, if I knew how to banish the darkness I would do it myself. Just try to stay talking to people, and this too will pass.

    Take care. Keep on writing. You’re the best blogger I know.

  2. I hear you. Albeit for different reasons, I have felt the same way. It has taken me a while to admit it and though I still don’t fully accept it, it is what it is – it’s depression. People who I know care about me and would blow smoke have been gently nudging, “Maybe you’re depressed.”

    Me? Depressed? Noooo.

    I feel like I shouldn’t be and I don’t feel comfortable with the concept, but it is there just the same.

    And you know what? It’s okay that I feel this way. At least that’s what I’ve been trying to tell myself.

    So, I get you.

    I won’t belittle your reasons for feeling this way by saying I hope you feel better soon. There are months to go on that time bomb of a pregnancy and an indefinite amount of wait on the adoption.

    But I hope that soon you will at least regain the feeling of control and being more in sync with dealing with life as it is. You can’t change the waters you sail on, but I hope the days feel more placid and less stormy for you soon.

  3. Luna,
    The waiting bit is definitely going to produce angst, discontent.
    You wrote in your other post that ultimately the woman has to find you. It is so open ended and without a concrete date. No wonder you feel out of control.

    I can only wish what the other commenters wish for you and hope you feel better soon.

  4. I could have written this post, almost verbatim.

    My reader is depressing the crap outta me. When is QuitPostingCatchUpOnComments Month? Hmmm?

    I can only focus on one thing at a time anymore.

    I’m broken out beyond 15 year old angst. And wtf am I stressed about? Please? Hello?

    Also never satisfied. Always something to do.

    Just commiserating with you. Off to pound some sugar now.

  5. Hang in there. I’m sorry you’re feeling out of sorts and hope it starts to feel better soon. Hugs to you.

  6. I don’t think a human being can live with this level of stress and not crack. Seriously. Not have it seep into every facet of their life. What I’m saying is that I don’t blame you. Though it begs the question: what will you do about it–how will you relieve the stress?

    Beyond making M give you a massage every night.

  7. Maybe a vacation is in order. Somewhere hot and all-inclsive where they serve fru-fru drinks with little paper umbrellas in them? If this is a no-can-do, Mel’s idea about the nightly massage sounds okay, too.

    Hang in there, Luna. Feeling like so much is out of your hands, it’s no wonder why you feel overwhelmed and out of whack. Who wouldn’t really? XO.

  8. As for your last paragraph, see if you can just jump into the void. My favorite saying is, “Leap and the net will appear.”

    Isn’t that beautiful?

    As for the sugar craving, I got nothing. Lemme know if you find a solution!

    And, I want to insert a hug her for the rest of your troubles. XX

  9. After all that you’ve been through, it’s no wonder that you should feel so blue.

    Take good care of yourself, dearest Luna. We are all here, doing whatever we can to support you through these difficult times.

  10. I can relate to where you’re at – for very different reasons, obviously. But I can relate to the suck that is feeling “out of whack”. Suck suck suck.

  11. I am a firm believer (as is the author of SBdiet, which I am currently following) that even when watching what you eat, you should have dessert. Recently we have rediscovered the loveliness of SF pudding. And SF fudgiscles…. and and.. Oh oops, I got a little sidetracked there.

    It probably is depression, but I refuse to admit it, it all sounds so familiar. Hang in there hun.

  12. Oh, Luna, I’m sending you (virtually) a sugary helping of comfort food that also carries the added benefit of bringing focus, clarity and energy back into your life. I know how awful the uncertainty and out of control angst you describe so achingly can erode the soul. I wish there was some way I could help you beyond this awful period. And the growing belly down the hall?! Ugh. I just learned the woman directly across from me is expecting and I’m the only one who knows because, as one of the few in the office who has read my blog, she felt she needed to warn me. I was touched but also irritated that I’d have to witness the full blown baby cycle yet again — she’s carrying #29 of the babies born in our office in the eight years I’ve been trying to come to terms with my infertility. Make it STOP!

  13. Yeah, that’s pretty much how it goes. It sucks.

  14. Speaking as one who has been down that dusty road, I’m here if you need me – as we all are. Winter is upon us and it’s time to huddle down with a bowl of mac and cheese and a box of wine. I second the vacation idea. You deserve it.

  15. i can definitely relate to being a sugar fiend. over the last 4 weeks at home i was going through pints of ice cream like it was cool…and um no it is not cool to inhale ice cream.
    Luna, it is the nerves, it absolutely is. i have also had the ‘fortune’ of working across a very pregnant girl in the past. that, like inhaling ice cream is so not cool.

  16. […] our home study and adoption outreach materials months ago but being delayed by others, after being stressed and depressed by the whole situation, finally everything started to come together just before my Dad’s […]

  17. […] began with lost hope and led to more failure and a cycle of despair, confusion and depression that lasted for months. I’ll spare you the details, you’ve read it all before. It left […]

  18. […] the slow progress of our outreach, K struggled with her decision. In the days that I felt overwhelmed by it all, K resolved to make an adoption plan and educated herself about the […]

  19. […] and life keeps on moving. Sometimes you keep up, sometimes you fall behind. Sometimes we’re out of whack, and sometimes we’re perfectly aligned. I think the best we can hope for is some sort of […]

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