out of whack
Between NaBloPoMo and IComLeavWe, I can’t even begin to keep up with my google reader, so I’m not even going to try. You all are posting way too much. Give a sister a break, won’t ya?
I’m finding it hard to focus these days, more so than usual. I’m not as productive as I should be at work. I’m either starting things and not finishing them, or I can only work on one thing at a time. My usual motivation and multi-tasking talents are inexplicably inconsistent. Some days I have to be on, at meetings and on conference calls, but other days I have no energy to even file. I’m way too easily distracted from my tasks, especially when working from home. Shh.
I don’t even feel like venting about the growing belly in my office. Wait, strike that, I do, but I also realize what little good it will do, so what’s the point? She’ll keep getting bigger, attracting more attention, it will become harder to avoid her eyes or midsection, then will come the shower, her labor, the announcement, pictures, and inevitable baby on parade display. Oohs and aahs. Me feeling like crap about feeling like crap. Same old.
The more I deal with pregnancy and birth announcements, the more detached I get. The more I hear about families that keep on growing, the more I need to distance myself.
I’m having a hard time falling asleep, so I stay up late reading or on the computer, sometimes watching late night TV. Then I’m tired in the morning, of course. I fuel myself with tea and healthy food but I still crash in the afternoon. Acupuncture used to help with energy, but it’s so damn expensive. Plus it’s forever linked with my failed attempts to conceive. I’m not getting good exercise, and I’m heavier than I’ve ever been.
I’ve been avoiding things like going to the dentist and lack the energy to argue with my insurance company over an old medical bill for $700. My car died yesterday, after putting about $1000 worth of work into it. It’s an old beater, and thankfully it was just the battery (which was only $130 to replace) but still. Annoying and distracting.
I’ve been craving sugar like a madwoman. If I don’t get it, all I can think about is when I will. When I do get it, I want more. Even when I eat healthy, I want dessert. All I want is comfort food.
I’m sure it’s partly stress. Maybe it’s partly depression. I imagine much of it has to do with living with uncertainty. Which can be stressful and depressing. Hmm.
Deep breathing works only for the moment. It helps me overcome a particular wave of angst, but not the underlying sense of unease. There’s always something else I can or should be doing, with work, with adoption outreach, at home. Never feeling satisfied, rarely feel still or peaceful. Not a happy place to be.
I think I’m anticipating being done with our outreach and knowing this will soon be out of our hands. That feeling of not being able to do anything more. Not being able to plan. Not knowing anything. Balancing hope with reality. Needing to go on living a normal life despite that nothing feels normal, that we have no idea if or when or how our lives will ever change in the way we’ve been trying, hoping, wishing and working for so long… Yeah, that must be it.