whew.

[Warning: long update!] Well, we survived our first home study visit! I’m happy to report it was really pretty simple. We are both so relieved already. We feel like we are on our way, finally. 

I felt fine until I woke up yesterday. It was hard to focus on work while I waited for the caseworker to arrive. Instead, I found myself out back picking our first blackberries and preparing a berry and melon salad (which she didn’t even eat), and re-cleaning the bathrooms (though she didn’t even go!). I got a little nervous when she was a few minutes late. I had to walk away from the computer, so I went outside to prune the tomato plants. Then I felt better. 

I had quite a scare when a woman pulled up at 1pm sharp (our appointment was 2:30). I was dripping wet and in a towel and M wasn’t even home yet. I thought for sure one of us had made a mistake about the time. Turns out it was some woman looking for the people who used to live here. Phew. 

Our case worker was really nice. She instantly made us feel at ease. I had put fresh flowers everywhere, which made me happy. (I got what was on sale: peach baby roses for the kitchen table, sunflowers for the mantle, irises for the coffee table, plus we had two single red roses leftover from an earlier arrangement for our dresser,* and lilies for the bathroom.)

I had tea and lemonade, but she drank mineral water with lemon. I put out a plate of gingersnap cookies and little brownies, and a big bowl of delicious grapes.  She ate maybe 3-4 grapes. M thinks she ate a cookie, but I’m not sure. 

We sat in the living room (not the kitchen table). She said something kind to ease us in, like, “OK, here we go. Are you ready?” And we began. 

We went through a bunch of paperwork and forms we need to complete (our task over the next few weeks). She asked where we were in the process. She seemed pleased by all the work we had done, and impressed that we were about to sign with the consultant who specializes in open adoption. We said we were anxious to get going since we know how long it can take, and we are ready to build our family!

Her questions were perfectly appropriate and relevant. We had already answered most of them in some form in our application. There were no real surprises, thankfully.

First, she asked us about our infertility and decision to adopt. After we explained our history, she said “That must have been hard. How did you deal with that?” (aka: tell me about your loss). We used this as an opportunity to tell her how close it has brought us. Yes, infertility sucks. Losing our son was the hardest thing I have ever lived through. Yet we are lucky in so many ways. Our strong foundation had been tested and reinforced. We had emerged even stronger and more determined and committed to becoming parents.

She asked whether we have been able to “resolve” our infertility and “wholeheartedly embrace adoption” as the way to build our family. We have absolutely embraced adoption, we said. Overcoming the loss of a biological child was hard, but we really just want to become parents. However our child comes into our lives will be a blessing. 

Here’s what else I remember: What are our strengths as a couple? How do we resolve differences? How did we meet? How long was it before we got married? How do we think parenting will change our lives and lifestyles? How do we think adoptive parenting will be different than traditional parenting? What kinds of relationship do we have with the children of our friends and family? What are our plans for after we bring home our baby? What level of openness or birthfamily contact would we be comfortable with?

We talked about our interest in establishing a relationship with birthfamily for the sake of our child. We discussed the importance of using positive language in discussing adoption. I’m sure I’m forgetting something, but that was mostly it. Oh, and she asked about religion. 

Then she asked what kind of child we want. (Would it have been facetious to say “living”?) We told her how we laugh when people ask if we want a boy or a girl. The answer is yes!  But really for us the question is silly because we just don’t care. We did explain we would like the best chance of a healthy child, that we did not feel entirely well equipped to handle many special needs. Of course if we had to, we would. Next we have to complete a form about the different types of scenarios we would consider. 

We took her on a tour of the house, told her about our great neighborhood and the playgrounds, parks and terrific schools just across the street. I pointed out our two fire extinguishers! We all had a laugh when she asked if we had any “firearms” and M said no but I said yes, because I thought she said “fire alarms.” Everyone was caught off guard. But no guns here. 

For any renters out there, we were concerned that would be an issue. We tried to turn it in our favor by explaining that our priority was building our family and we chose not to buy a home (in this crazy housing market) because we wanted the freedom to live on one income so we could raise our child ourselves (i.e., not in daycare). After all we had gone through to bring a child into our lives, we wanted the freedom to enjoy every minute. Our finances will still be scrutinized, but we can’t change that. 

And that was it. When she said we’d stop there, M said “Really? I thought we were on a roll!” Seriously it went so smoothly. I was so proud of M and the way he handled these questions. He was awesome. He says he’s “inspired.” We thanked her for making us feel so at ease.

We confirmed our 1:1 interviews, which I imagine may be a little harder. Mine is next week and M’s is the week after. From what I hear, she may ask about our parents and what we’d do the same or different, our partner’s strengths and weaknesses, more about our marriage. Anyone else remember those visits?

We scheduled our final home study visit for Friday, September 5, so our home study could be complete by mid-September!

Now we just have to face our big pile of paperwork, which grew quite a bit yesterday, and hope our finances past the test. 

Many thanks again to everyone for your support during this exciting yet trying time. I can’t tell you how much it meant to have my cyber-friends, both old and new, sending us such positive energy and cheering us on. Seriously.

*As a symbol of my openness to this process, I’m sharing a picture of my dresser with the two roses. (If you can see it, the photo in back of M and I in the redwoods was taken the morning after our wedding!) Hey, maybe that makes this show-and-tell!

~ by luna on August 9, 2008.