finding new meaning

Let me begin by saying that no, I am not pregnant, far from it. So why the hell did I have to randomly pick these cards the other day? I mean, really, WTF?

Because life is always trying to teach me some kind of lesson. Again and again…


Every so often, when my mood strikes, I select two “angel cards” from a pile on my dresser. The cards are illustrated qualities intended to inspire reflection, meditation or focus on aspects of one’s inner life. They depict words such as “wisdom,” “healing,” “truth,” “dedication,” etc.  

For some, the cards invoke a “thought for the day” or a moment. You randomly select a card and take from it what you will by dedicating a moment to ponder the specific quality, to open up to the possibilities it may bring or reflect, to consider the meaning you associate with it, or the significance of the word to your life. You may intend to realize or accept the quality. Or sometimes you may just be looking for some kind of sign.  

I don’t choose cards every day. But sometimes when I’m walking through the bedroom and I feel the pull of the pile, I take a moment to pause and breathe, and I select two cards. Most people just draw one, but I like pondering the interplay of two words together. 

Well imagine my deep twisted gut when soon after my last negative cycle I chose these cards on a whim. Perfect. Since I know I am neither expecting nor preparing for birth — or about to be any time soon — I was forced to stare at the wonderful annoying irony of this random moment in time. I had to laugh. Those two words stared right back at me, taunting me to face the reality that I would have to find some new meaning to ascribe to them, if my little ritual were to retain any significance whatsoever. 

So here’s what I’ve got. “Expectancy” has to do with expectations, which I have been forced to let go of time and time again. Expectations about having a baby, having a healthy pregnancy, about my family and friends, about my life as I once hoped and expected it to be. How many times do I need to learn to let go of these expectations? They tend to only let me down. Sad but true. I do much better when I have no preconceived ideas about how things are “supposed” to be. Misguided notion corrected. Again. 

And “birth.” Well, here we have a new beginning of some kind. Not the one I had expected, of course. (See how the two words relate to one another?) For most people, this word means one thing. “Birth” is the process of bringing forth to life, of coming into existence, an origin or beginning. Since there are no body parts involved, to me this must mean the origin or renewal of something else entirely. Maybe it’s the beginning of trying to accept our life without children. Maybe it’s the opening of a new door or path. Or maybe the universe is just taunting me. Maybe it doesn’t mean shit. 

In any case, staring at these simple little words made me realize, once again, how loaded they are. And that maybe it’s time to find or create new meaning and significance unbound by the ideas of the past. Not an easy task. 


~ by luna on April 28, 2008.

12 Responses to “finding new meaning”

  1. I haven’t been posting much lately, but I’ve been reading. Know I’ve been sending loving and positive thoughts into the universe for you.

    You remind me of the third indiana jones movie…there is part where he is stuck on the edge of a canyon and has to take a leap of faith. It looks as though he will fall, but there is a solid bridge there to carry him across.

    Your cards are just that. You are on the edge of the precipice, ready to step across, to make the change, but needing to trust that the brige is there.

  2. Yeah, I’d try and wax on about “expectations” and “birth” have greater meaning and clearly refer to something else, but I’m a big believer in the universe just willy-nilly giving us the finger every now and again. And so I’m here shouting a big “FU8K OFF!” back at ’em, for you.

  3. Maybe “birth” card refers to a “rebirth” (or change) for you, and the “expectations” card refers to your own personal expectations concerning your present situation. Or maybe I’m completely full of crap – it’s happened lots of times before! Just one way to look at it…..

    Can you tell I used to mess with Tarot cards?

    Another way would be that God certainly has a sick sense of humor sometimes………

    Hang in there….

  4. So as I began to read your reaction to those words, I saw that you ascribed the same “new” meanings to them that I had formed in my mind.

    Of course, I probably would have pulled those cards out of the deck and disposed of them by now…

  5. I like the idea of searching for new meaning out of words that, for you, have evoked such pain and frustration. It reminds me of the ways in which minority groups have embraced slurs and turned them into words of power, like the gay community adopting the moniker “queer.”

    It pleases me to hear that, rather than abandon your angel cards (what a lovely idea), you found a new power in old words.

  6. You are a much better person than me to give them new meanings. I probably would have just thrown them out. After I broke something.

  7. LOL, I like Alacrity’s strategy… but agree that trying to find new meaning & power for old words is a positive step.

    For a second, I thought Katarina had gotten a sneak preview of the new Indiana Jones movie coming out soon, & wondered “how the heck…!” But then I realized I saw that one (& loved it!).

  8. I agree with both Alacrity & CLC: I would probably have thrown those particular cards out!

    You are a strong and wise woman for being able to look beyond the ‘obvious’ reading, and to seek new meaning in these cards. There are some rituals which are worth keeping!

  9. Damn it! Those angels are perky little shits. That’s why I can’t stand anything like that nowadays.

    But if they’re provoking your thought (and not just making you feel shitty) then perhaps they’re doing their job: sparking new images and ideas and hopes.

    But still, the nerve of those winged jerks…

  10. “maybe it’s time to find or create new meaning and significance unbound by the ideas of the past. Not an easy task.”

    That’s what I keep telling myself, too. While these cards and what they represent sting as much as they are supposed to inspire, I can tell you that i’s getting easier bit by bit to see them as the latter rather than former.

  11. I’m with you and Alacrity. Maybe those of us who aren’t given the (gift? chance? opportunity? responsibility?) of birthing a child are given the (gift? chance? opportunity? responsibility?) of birthing something else. What that something else might be, I haven’t a clue, and I’ll probably be working on figuring that out for the rest of my life. And yes, it does feel like a paltry consolation prize (Hey, you lost the luxurious family vacation, but here’s a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax and a designer shower curtain!) But at this moment in my life, I need to look for signs and purposes and ways to be okay. So I agree that looking for an alternative interpretation of the Angel cards (as oppposed to seeing it as a big Fuck You from the Universe) is as good a place to start as any.

  12. This is so weird. When my sister Sheri was having her twins (!) baptized (early on in our IF journey and way before she was aware of her inuitivity), she pulled a card for me:


    I got mad. And hopeful. And mad again. Because I hated Hope.

    I still have the card.

    Great post.

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