the wait.

Oh, the joy of the two week wait. The hope that this could be it, that one of my lovelies could be burrowing in and getting cozy for a nice long ride. And the fear that this will be yet another failure, the final defeat in our journey to a real live baby.

I’m reluctant to feel either hope or fear. I don’t want to give voice to either feeling lurking deep within. I don’t want to feel hope
or hopeless. I’m terrified of peeing on that stick and seeing that glaring blank empty white space.  

If it works, I know there will be so many other hurdles to face, but I will embrace the possibility. If it fails, I will face a lifetime working through how I will ever accept the cold hard fact that we will never become parents to a living child.

If it works, I will praise nature and science and the good in the universe for giving us another chance. If it fails, I will have to try and find a way to forgive my body, my empty womb, and the fertile world. Life will go on either way. With or without that second line.

After a day and a half on bedrest, life has resumed to normal. Well, as normal as possible. I learned long ago not to pay attention to every twinge or I’d go mad. Besides, the meds can trick you into believing all kinds of delusional thoughts. Returning to work was a busy distraction, and I found myself doing some deep breathing to get me through some moments that could have otherwise been stressful. Right now, none of it really matters. There is only this.  

So now I just wait. And wonder and hope and dream and ponder and fear and pray and wish…

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~ by luna on March 29, 2008.

24 Responses to “the wait.”

  1. Hi there… oh, the dreaded 2WW. It sounds like you have the right attitude, I know how difficult they can be. I have my fingers and toes crossed for you. Good luck with keeping your mind occupied. I took a minute and looked over your IVF info- it sure sounds like you had a great response to the protocol. You must still have some frozen, right? Not that you will need them. Hang in there! -Dot

  2. You’re absolutely right about the meds making one delusional, sigh. Wishing you much patience and lots of distractions as you wait. I’ll be holding my breath for you.

    I love the juice pictures… luscious!

  3. Waiting here with you and crossing everything that can be crossed.

  4. Thinking, hoping, wishing, and praying for you and with you.

  5. The VERY best of luck to you!!!! You’re dealing with this hurdle with more grace than I will should we get to that point. Perhaps you can share your secret!

    Hope it all it works out though!!! Am sending all my best wishes your way….

  6. “Right now, none of it really matters. There is only this.”

    There are so many resonant lines in this post. This one gives me a lump in the throat. This is what fertile people do not understand.

    I understand the reluctance towards fear and hope. I will hope for you, Luna. And I, too, will be waiting with you. No matter what happens, you are an amazing woman.

  7. I’m just wishing you peace with the wait.

  8. I am hopeful for you. Fingers crossed here.

  9. Oh Luna. Don’t we just wait and hope and think and wait? I so want this to work for you. When is yor beta, by the way and are you going to consult those most evil of muses before hand. Please know that I’m thinking of you and pulling for you. Hell, I’ll even say babydust and all those other cringeworthy phrases if it makes any difference. Melanie

  10. I hit submit too quickly. By evil muses, I mean the evil peesticks.

  11. Fuck te 2 ww. Screw it. 10th circle of hell. The purgatory of the infertile. Peesticks haunt you, laugh at you as you try to resist peeing on them. Hope and despair in a spoon. Why not just stick lick a frozen fence post. Ahhh, hang in there!

  12. Waiting with you.

  13. Nothing else can possibly be important right now.
    I’m thinking of you in this 2WW XX

  14. (((hugs))) Hang in there!

  15. I think the waiting is the worst bit. I drive myself insane. Good luck to you Luna.

  16. Waiting and hoping…

  17. Keeping you in all my thoughts and prayers …

  18. Best wishes & high hopes for you …

  19. I’m joining the chorus of well wishers. May this be the start of something…

  20. Waiting with you too. Thinking positive, peaceful, hopeful, calm thoughts for you!

  21. Just to say that I’m waiting with you too, and hoping as hard as I can that you have some good news.

  22. Thinking of you, and keeping my fingers crossed.

  23. Keep breathing, dear Luna! With every breath, the wait is just that much shorter. I really hope all works out well.

  24. Waiting here, too. Wishing for good things to come!

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