in the moment, revisited

plum-blossom2.jpg

In the days following my failed IVF, I wrote a series of posts that reflected how I try to deal with loss. I also wrote a lot about the process of grief as I approached the second anniversary of losing our baby. But in these posts, I tried to articulate some of the life lessons I’ve learned I’m learning the hard way. Writing for me has always been a way to process what I’m feeling. And to remember. The lessons are about living in the moment (parts one and two).

The lessons are taken from several sources — some ancient wisdom from Buddhist philosophy, some grounded truths as processed with my grief counselor, and universal common sense that often re-emerges as evident. The lessons are reminders to try to accept that life is fleeting, that everything changes, that nothing goes according to plan, that suffering is inevitable, that there is only what is, the future is unknown, and the only way out is through…

While I’m doing my best to be hopeful about our chances for a positive outcome, it seems fitting to revisit these lessons now, on the eve of my FET. After all, a lesson is only meaningful when it’s applied. And these are much easier said than done. Most require lifelong practice, and unfortunately, repetition.

I’ve also been reflecting on my last post about how the burden of infertility and loss affects my ability to feel truly happy. Except for certain joyful moments, it’s true. That underlying ache is so pervasive. It permeates everything I do. It still defines who I am, to me. Of course, there are moments that surpass the sorrow and even the longing, but they are fleeting. Yet everything is temporary. Change is inevitable, it is the only constant in life. See lesson number one.

This morning, the Amazing M and I were talking about our wonderful weekend. We’ve had such a hard time lately but we are also so grateful to have each other. So today I’m reminding myself that life is in those joyful moments too. A sunset, a beautiful drive, a magnificent flower, holding hands at the movies. The joy of life is captured in those moments and can be experienced with awe and power when we least expect it, if we are open.

Outside our house there’s an incredible cherry blossom tree that’s almost in full bloom. I’ve been admiring the spectacular new blossoms every day. Yesterday I tried to capture its beauty in a photo but I couldn’t. I stepped back, I got closer, but I just couldn’t get it. Soon I found myself standing under the tree, as close as I could be. I was looking up at the way the branches parted the sky, which was a clear gorgeous blue. Then I heard the solid hum of at least a hundred bumblebees overhead. When I focused on the flowers I could see bees everywhere, buzzing like mad and happily sucking the sweet nectar out of the blossoms like there was no tomorrow. There was a swarm of them, not bothered by me in the least. When I stepped outside the shelter of the tree, I could barely hear them at all. But when I stood right in the midst of it (where the photo above was taken), I was surrounded and enveloped by a veritable symphony of nature and life.

It was a moment to remember.

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~ by luna on March 23, 2008.

21 Responses to “in the moment, revisited”

  1. Very beautiful and peaceful- I am wishing you the best and keeping you in my thoughts.

  2. Will be hoping this FET is the one to bring happiness after such a long journey. I can’t tell you how much I want this to happen for you, I know that doesn’t actually help but it is amazing how strongly one can feel for someone they barely know.
    Keep thinking of nature and life, amazing things do happen, I hope it is time x

  3. Ah, joy! She’s there, even when we’re in the depths. I remember how during one of the worst times of my life, I was suddenly, inexplicably happy looking at a sweetgum tree in its full gold/copper glory one clear fall day. That I could still feel that happiness, despite the darkness, filled me with wonder. We have such a capacity for joy, if we can only make a little room for it.

    May you have lots of room this this week, Luna dear!

  4. Reflecting on what you’ve said, I have to say that I wonder if joy is really worth the effort it takes to achieve it. But, that’s just me, and your photo is equisite.

  5. Beautiful and thought-provoking post. Thinking of you today with your FET and wishing you all the very best.

  6. Luna,
    In your FET today, try think of this gorgeous scene you described above. All the best. Thanks for reminding us of things that we can easily overlook when you are obsessed with trying to have a healthy baby.

  7. I hope all goes wonderfully well today. I’ll be thinking of you and stalking your blog for an update. The photo is perfect. Hope springs anew!

  8. Just wanted to wish you luck today on your FET. Thanks for this beautiful post and picture.

  9. Oh, and silly me! I forget to wish you well today on the transfer. Sending wishes for a speedy recovery and ultimate success your way!

  10. The old me was quite present-ist as well but I used to do this thing where I’d just visualize myself “on the other side.” Obviously I don’t do that anymore as the “other side” takes on some pretty creepy meanings, but I play it in very short, acceptable doses. I can make it to bedtime. I can sleep and make it ’til morning. I will get through this grocery store and into the parking lot.

    I will see you on the other side of tomorrow. Wishing you peace in your journey through.

  11. Thinking of you today–wishing you peace and hope for the coming wait. Ill be checking in on you!

  12. I am thinking of you, Luna.

  13. Wishing you all the best with this FET! I really hope that this is it for you. Love the beautiful photo!

  14. Oh, good luck!! What a beautiful photo — we have a plum tree in our backyard, too, although it only seems to bloom every other year or so.

  15. Hey there – it’s been awhile I know. I’ve been around, just lurking and not feeling like saying much. Also, your posts are so beautiful that I need to just cross-reference yours on my blog and call it a day. Really 🙂

    Good luck today. I am thinking of you Luna and wishing the best for you. I am also hoping, wishing, and praying that this cycle is positive.

    Oh, and here is a beautiful quote for you:

    t\The future enters into us, in order to transform itself in us, long before it happens. – Rainer Maria Rilke

    I love it and it gives me hope. I hope it does for you too.

    Peace.

  16. My fingers are FULLY crossed for you.

  17. beautiful picture.
    good luck to you. i hope to hear good news from you soon.

  18. I love the picture. I hope your FET went smoothly and you are resting comfortably. Wishing you the best.

  19. Luna, I hope things went perfectly for you today. FET days make me nervous now, I must admit. I love the post, and I know the ache and the struggle that you are referring to. All of my positive thoughts are being sent your way right now. Take care of yourself this week- Dot

  20. Reading your past few posts, I’m aware more than ever of how much you’ve been through over the past six years – of how long and painful your journey to this FET has been.

    I’m holding you in my thoughts, and hoping with all my heart that everything went well with the transfer.

    Take care of yourself, dear, dear Luna.

  21. What a beautiful post and picture. Wishing you the best of luck with your FET.

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