can’t I do anything right?

So yesterday I went to my RE for my FET lining check. After nearly a month on lupron, two weeks on estrogen, weekly acupuncture, daily herbs and tea, the news is not good. My lining is too thin at just 6-7mm and the FET has been postponed. 

Why does my body refuse to cooperate? Especially after that little talk we had a little while ago. I know that as far as setbacks go, this is relatively minor and can hopefully be easily overcome. I’m just frustrated that nothing has ever gone our way. I’m frustrated that my body can’t even do the right thing after being commanded by the best expert I could find. That it has to be bitch-slapped just to pay attention. 

I mean what the fuck? Once again I’ve handed my body and faith over to science and medicine, modern and ancient. I’m on these meds that make me feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. I’m paying a small fortune for acupuncture from an ancient Chinese wizard who specializes in IVF and nasty herbal concoctions. I’m choking back nasty-ass herbs twice daily and gulping tea by the gallon. And still nothing. I mean these herbs are vile. Imagine if you took the dirtiest wet socks you could find, wrung out the excess water and boiled it with some grit. Some even more intolerable mixtures taste like that but also really bitter. If this shit doesn’t work, I don’t know what will. 

So my husband came to the appointment to sign the consent forms. When we walked out we were both kind of quiet. I had to call to re-schedule some acupuncture appointments and arrange for more nasty herbs to get me through the extra week. I was feeling frustrated and doubtful, wondering if my body and I will ever come to terms with each other (i.e., will she find mercy and grace and finally agree that this is what we were meant to do? will she be forced into submission to give us what we want? or will I be forced to learn to accept her despite her critical flaws? only time will tell).

Anyway, when we got into the car I was frustrated. Not only was my body not working right, but now I had to try to reschedule my life which I had conveniently planned around the FET. As we pulled away, I looked over at the Amazing M and said  “I just wasn’t expecting that.” He paused for a second, and then he just laughed. And he’s right. The truth is nothing in this journey has been expected. Nothing has been easy. Nothing has worked. We’ve been blindsided at every step — every newly discovered problem, every protocol adjustment, every defeat.

Who would have expected that we’d be in this position now? Who would have thought that six years after we discovered our first obstacle, and four years after we have given everything in our quest to have a baby, that against all odds we’d be relying on science to manipulate my body, begging her to accept some newly thawed embryos to give us our last chance for one living child?

The truth as we know is nothing goes according to plan. The lesson we keep learning over and over. In fact, this post was going to be called “what not to expect when you’re not expecting.” But as we’ve all learned the hard way, that’s a pretty long list, and this is just one small issue. This is really about having no expectations at all. Because in the end they just let you down.

So my RE delayed the FET from next week to the week after. I go back in next Thursday for another lining check. In addition to the herbs I’ll be loading up on raspberry leaf tea. And she wants me to add some estrogen vaginally to help build the lining. Yum. So it looks like nothing else is going in there for a little while. Sorry, honey.

And so we had another bit of comic relief on the way home when we stopped at the pharmacy for my estradiol. The clerk called for a “consult” and when the pharmacist came out he looked a little uncomfortable (keep in mind the long line of people behind me):

Him: “Um, OK, so you know how this is supposed to be administered?”
Me: “Uh, yeah, thanks.”
Him: “Because that’s kind of an unusual way for this particular medication to be administered.”
Me: “Well my doctor is kind of unusual.”  
Him: “Just wanted to be sure. Because it’s usually ingested.”
Me: “Yeah, I know, thanks.”
See, funny, right?  

By the way, if anyone has any tips besides raspberry leaf for building uterine lining, I’m all ears. Thanks!

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~ by luna on March 15, 2008.

23 Responses to “can’t I do anything right?”

  1. I’m nodding my head, since the seemingly endless delays and detours sound all too familiar.

  2. I have to say, it’s not you doing wrong. This sucks, dear Luna. I’m sorry you have to wait another week and keep ingesting and inserting grody stuff into your already overstressed body. Your road has been so long and hard…

    For fuck’s sake, I hate any comments at the pharmacy. Give me my properly labeled meds and let me go!

  3. I had a friend a long time ago who had the same discussion with the pharmacist, except the place was packed, and he practically screamed, HE WANTS YOU TAKE THESE VAGINALLY????? Mine, thankfully, just said, look: the bottle will say one thing, but I’m telling you another.

    No, nothing ever ever ever goes according to plan. I don’t think it would be “life” if it did; it would be some grainy movie with a lot of bad songs and cute puppies in it. Fingers crossed and all that ’til next week.

  4. Luna, if it helps at all, been there, done that, and thoroughly understand the frustration and irritation. I think you’re doing everything you can and I bet your lining gets there. Denise had the best lining story, she went from 3 to 8 in matter of days. So hang in there. Really. And if doesn’t get there this time, it will next time. Perhaps you might add a footnote to your letter to your body that the next steps involve twice daily shots to the ass, so get it in gear. Sending you lots of virtual hugs. And empathy. I’ve got lots of that.

  5. I’m sorry about the delay, of course, you are right, it is worse than just a delay. It is the thought that everything is just stacked against us and that nothing can go smoothly even with the intervention of advanced science.
    I think the frustration just becomes too much sometimes. It’s all too much.

  6. As Melanie mentioned, you just never know when your body might decide to kick into gear. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. People always say FET’s are easy, but it just sucks when you can’t get the one thing that really matters to cooperate. My lining took its time this cycle, but plumped up later on its own. I pushed for a natural cycle to see what it would do without the drugs, acupuncture, tea, etc.

    I’ve had that exact same conversation with my pharmacist. Now he just knows he doesn’t need to tell me. Are the pills blue? That was always the grossest part for me, leaking blue!

    Good luck. I’ll be crossing my fingers for your next lining check!

  7. denise, yes they are a lovely shade blue that’s nicer going in than out. I was just trying to decide if I should blog about leaking blue. yuck. thanks for your comment! ~luna

  8. Of course. I’m so sorry this didn’t go as planned. It’s so frustrating. You think you have an explanation, you have a plan and know what you need to do, and something else needs to be addressed. With my husband and I, it almost became laughable, too. Each cycle we’d think we had everything covered, then something else would go wrong.

    Crossing fingers for you.

  9. I’m so sorry things didn’t go as you had hoped/expected/believed. I’m glad doc has you on the estrogen. I hope it helps.

    What about some more soy in your diet? Would the phytoestrogens help? Grasping at straws. I wish I had a magic suggestion.

  10. katarinajellybeana, ironically, I have to stay away from soy because it promotes estrogen, which promotes fibroid growth. I have a long awful history of fibroids that have caused many problems, beginning with my first surgery 6 yrs ago. no one knows what causes fibroids but estrogen is bad for them, so I try to avoid soy. also coffee and alcohol are probably not great, so I try to avoid them too, aside from an occasional glass of wine or beer (or mojito on vacation).

    it’s ironic since I’ve got estrogen taped on my belly and now stuffed up my cootch, but what’s a girl to do? at least the lupron is supposed to suppress fibroid growth. it’s always something I tell you.

    thanks for your comment! ~luna

  11. I don’t think there’s such a thing as a pleasant-tasting medication, herbal or otherwise. Some of the vitamins I take I can’t even stand smelling anymore. Selenium, B-complex and Clomid are especially vile.

    I sympathize with your frustration – I was always able to console myself with the idea that every failure gave us another piece of the puzzle. It has to be so hard to know what’s wrong and still be unable to really make it stop.

  12. Aaarghhhh. I’m feeling it for you. Damn. Why does it have to be so damned hard…the irony never ends.

  13. Good Lord, I am gagging right along with you at the thought of these herbal ingestions! BTW, I think you have to be one of the bravest, toughest, most resilient chicks I have ever come across. I am rooting for you like you wouldn’t believe :o)

  14. I agree with what you and so many of the ladies are saying – nothing ever seems to go to plan. But good luck to you Luna. I’ll be thinking of you.

  15. I am so sorry to hear about the delay…the lack of control we have over our bodies can be so frustrating. You are in my thoughts…

  16. I found myself groaning aloud as I read this — so sorry to hear it.

    Sometimes, when I brewed up those Chinese herbs, I thought surely my acupuncturist was playing a joke on me, putting together the stinkiest nastiest most vile combos he could just for fun. I admire that you’re sticking with it — I just couldn’t handle it on top of everything else.

  17. “The truth as we know is nothing goes according to plan. The lesson we keep learning over and over.”

    You know, my favourite quote, which I have posted on my blog & often use in my signature line on bulleting boards, is “Life is what happens while you’re making other plans.” (The late great John Lennon.) You are my hero for gagging down that vile-sounding tea!! (((hugs)))

  18. loribeth, I guess I should know better by now. that was my quote from my high school yearbook. lesson learned. again. thanks for your comment. ~luna

  19. Luna, I didn’t realize that you were also having some problems with your lining. Well, since you used the four letter word in your next post, I’ll use it here and will hope that your body listens, behaves, sucks up the raspberry red leaf tea and extra estrogen, and grows a good lining for your FET. I had a good snicker at your story of getting the script for the estrogen filled.

  20. So sorry to hear about the delay. Your post captured so beautifully some of the frustration I myself have felt – sometimes it feels as though, where infertility is concerned, nothing is straightforward, everything turns out to be more complicated than it at first seemed.

    I hope that the Chinese herbs and the extra estrogen do the trick, and that by next week you’re ready to go.

  21. Luna,
    Estrogen confuses the heck out of me. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for your next POAS day. Will be following your blog.

  22. […] be Monday, by the way. My lining is still just a whopping 7mm, which I can’t understand with all I’m doing to try to build it. But my RE convinced me it’s fine (she says pregnancy rates are the same […]

  23. […] her comment? I have been really busy, even more so since I had to re-adjust my schedule for the postponed FET. I wondered if it was simply exhaustion. I have trouble going to sleep early, so I tend to stay up […]

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