breathless, and a list that keeps growing…

First, thanks to everyone for your comments on my last post. That one just came pouring out on my commute home the other day. Monday will do that to you. I guess feeling like crap and fearing you’ll feel that way forever will do that to you too.

Anyway, what I didn’t get to say was this. After what I wanted to write became crystal clear, I approached my favorite part of the drive home. It’s the part where the shops disappear, the neighborhood spreads out, and the road starts to twist and turn as you head out of town and towards the hills. It’s the part where I leave the rest of the day behind me — the stress of work, of life — and I begin to b r e a t h e. Everything just slows down, the road opens ahead, and once you come around one last curve, it’s all green rolling hills and big beautiful sky. (I think it’s as good as it gets for living so near a huge dense urban area in California.) 

Well I came around that bend and caught the most beautiful sunset. I mean every sunset is something special, of course. But this one just took my breath away. The sky was glowing with magnificent light and turning all shades of
red and pink and orange and purple. The sky and clouds were changing by the second. I had to pull over and just soak it in. I tried to take a picture with my crappy cell phone camera, but it was laughable. So I paused to inhale and absorb the awe, then slowly made my way home, marveling at nature’s awesome display and grateful for the opportunity to have witnessed this simple yet spectacular event. And somehow, I felt a little better, more peaceful. At least for the moment. 


On a totally unrelated note, I’ve been tagged by Rebecca at Chasing A Child to list 5 things on my long-ass to-do list this week. Actually, she tagged me last week but I was so busy that I put it off until this week. Write list of things to-do: check. I actually keep an ongoing list in a notebook. The front is work-related, and the list is long. The back is my personal list of things to remember (like gifts I need to buy or appointments I need to make), but not other important everyday things I should be doing already (like water the plants or clean the bathroom). So, here are a few items from my many lists, including the one in my head.  

The rules:
Step 1. Reference back to the blog that sent you.
Step 2.  Make a list of 5 things you have to get done this week, no matter how small.
Step 3. Get 2 other people off their asses to get their shit in order.

Things I must get done this week: 

1. One major work-related goal is to make my life easier for next week. (Yep, that’s right, FET coming soon to a clinic near me.) I’ll be out just one day, but it’s a busy time and I don’t want any added stress. So I’m planning now for some big meetings and events that will take place soon after. The list of things to do gets really long here, so I’ll just leave it at that… 

2. Call my brother for his birthday. This normally wouldn’t be an issue, but this particular brother has been sort of a jerk. Oh, the list why is way too long for here, so I’ll just say we’ve grown distant since our baby died two years ago and we don’t see each other much (which I regret only because my relationship with my first niece and nephew is limited to gifts, calls, and an occasional visit at my mom’s). Anyway, when he was the only one who didn’t call until he was prompted (by our mother), he finally apologized and explained that he’s “just not good with that kind of thing” and that he’s a “wait until the dust settles kind of guy.”  hmm, ok. And that’s just the beginning, though I’ll spare you. But yes, I’ll still call on his birthday and hope his
bitch not-so-nice wife doesn’t answer the phone. But I will not sing.

3. Get outside and dig in the dirt. I’m hoping for some nice weather this weekend so I can get out in the sun and do some way overdue gardening. It’s already a little late for some planting, but all the things that froze in our early frost are such an eyesore and must go. I hate killing things, but I seem to have a knack for it. So it’s out with the old and in with the new. Gardening is one of the few therapeutic activities that kept me going during periods of deep grief. It just feels good. Especially when stuff lives. I love nurturing something that takes root and blooms, sometimes despite itself. First on the list is to fertilize “lemon boy” — the lemon tree we planted as part of a ritual to commemorate our son (but that’s a post for another day). 

4. Remember to bring my full sharps container into my RE’s office when I go in for my appointment today. There’s a post-it right in front of me to do this. This thing has been taunting me for months since our failed IVF, sitting lamely on the laundry room counter just waiting to be sent to some toxic landfill dump, where it will probably rot forever. Must get it out of the house.

5. Try not to rip these damn estrogen patches off my belly. They are so itchy. And I’m running out of room to find new places to stick them. It’s all I can do to not read the warnings: “do NOT touch patch directly,” “do NOT place patch in same location,” with a listing of all the types of cancer they are associated with. For someone who scrutinizes food labels so closely and tries to avoid exposures to toxins, it’s hard for me to ignore these warnings and slap those things on my body. Not that they’re any worse than injectibles by a long shot (get it?). But unlike a needle that stings for a second and then it’s done, these irritating things are just begging to be torn off. So I’m trying my best. On a related note, I’m also trying to be calm and stay in the present moment. Good luck me. 

Ok, enough about me. Time to get two of you off your asses. How about a little distraction for some women in waiting?  So I’m tagging Shinejil (who’s recovering from surgery and a vicodin haze) and Tabi (who’s in the 2ww and just completed a masterpiece and may need something else to do besides pee on a stick). Looking forward to see what your week has in store… 


~ by luna on March 13, 2008.

7 Responses to “breathless, and a list that keeps growing…”

  1. I’m excited about your FET. Is everything looking good, lining, etc? When is it next week? I will be thinking of you and sending you very, very best wishes.

  2. Sometimes you just need to step in front of the lens and experience it. I hope you have more moments like this. Thinking of you.

  3. Love the description of the sunset. I know them well. I can see what I think is your part of the SFBA from my house- I’ll be sending lots of good vibes that way this week for you to catch, and I’ll shoot a few to UCSF as well. I’m at SIRM in Las Vegas with Dr. Sher (after tries at PFC and Cornell). Heading there on Tuesday for the FET. Have a great weekend planting, I think the weather might hold for you. Let’s hope lots of good things take root and grow this week for both of us. -Dot

  4. Feeling like crap has a built-in, deceptive sense of eternity, I’ve noticed. Just like that initial in-love feeling.

    I’m so happy you pulled over and inhaled that sunset.

    Here’s to lemon boy. I think I have a crush on your tree, as well as a terrible case of gardener’s envy that you get to have a lemon tree in your yard! [Cue whine:] I want one!

    Thanks for tagging me… How did you know I needed to get my shit together? I’ve been enjoying the slacking post-op, but yes, the time has come to get back to work.

  5. […]  So I spent part of Sunday digging in the dirt, as planned. I was lucky to get some good weather and finally dragged myself away from blog-reading long enough […]

  6. […] was hiding it better. Sure, I experience moments of happiness and joy — when I appreciate a magnificent sunset or a wonderful evening with the Amazing M, even doing the simplest things together — and I […]

  7. […] have each other. So today I’m reminding myself that life is in those joyful moments too. A sunset, a beautiful drive, a magnificent flower, holding hands at the movies. The joy of life is […]

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