coming home

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Well hello dear friends, I’m back. Not that you noticed I was gone or anything. But this is the longest I’ve gone without writing since I started blogging.

We just enjoyed a few days away on a quick adventure in Seattle. It’s been 11 years since we were last there and a lot has changed. But the food and views are always wonderful, and who doesn’t love being on vacation, however long it is? The view above is sunset from our hotel window overlooking Puget Sound.

We had fun exploring and soaking it all in. We ate and drank what we wanted. We slept in on a cushy pillowtop down feather bed. We walked and talked and got caught in the rain and walked some more. And did I mention we ate and drank a lot?

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We enjoyed every minute and each other. We allowed the past to be past and the future to be uncertain. We toasted to the present moment, in full appreciation of the fortune that brought us together, and the hard work that has kept us together through some tough times. We embraced the present, rather than the possibility of the future, for better or worse.

That’s not to say that the longing ache has subsided.  That’s not to say that I now feel complete. But surely that’s no reflection on my marriage. I feel deep gratitude. I feel glimpses of joy. We share laughter, and deep love. We enjoy our time together more than anything else.

Yet still I pray for our child to join us — to come into our lives and enrich us.  To share our love. To teach us. And still I wonder if I will ever be truly happy and whole if I cannot mother a living child.

Anyway, it felt good just to not think about these things for a few days. Aside from being in the middle of an FET protocol, that is.  I mean, it’s not like you stop thinking about infertility treatments and childlessness while you’re plunging 10 units of Lupron into your belly each night and reading the scary warnings on the estrogen patches you’ve been applying in greater numbers. But for just a few days, it was gratifying to step outside of our daily routine, the frustration and drudgery.  It was wonderful to just enjoy each other, without regard for much of anything else, if only for a few moments.  

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Seattle is notoriously not-so-kid-friendly (restaurants especially), and it was only when surrounded by kids running around the Space Needle or crammed in the aquarium (enjoy the views above) that our childlessness became so glaringly obvious (in my gut). I realized I was actually able to put it aside for a short while.  But it was and is always just under the surface, and deep to the core.

And so I guess it was especially fitting that on the way home, a young-ish couple with a baby about one year old sat in front of us. This little girl in her pink jammies made instant friends with the Amazing M (he’s good that way), and they played peek-a-boo and made funny faces at each other on-and-off the whole flight, which brought smiles and laughter all around. But as adorable as this precious scene was, it also brought the painful pang of returning to reality. And just like that, we were home. 

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~ by luna on March 4, 2008.

22 Responses to “coming home”

  1. Your trip sounds dreamy! I am so glad you were able to enjoy some time away (though as I well understand, it’s not really possible to be 100% “away”).

    Thinking of you as this FET gets closer and closer!

  2. Gorgeous photos and another great post. This line in particular jumped out at me: “it was and is always just under the surface, and deep to the core.” So true. I wondered if I was the only one who felt that way when I was traveling and away from the regular reminders. Glad you were able to have such a lovely time enjoying the moment, living in the present and treasuring the Amazing M.

  3. Sounds like the kind of soothing trip that you needed. But it’s always so hard. There is nowhere to completely get away from it. I’m glad you tried, though.

  4. Please, please, more croissant porn!

    What a great trip to a wonderfully adult city. I am so glad you got a little internal vacation, too–lupron and space needle kids notwithstanding.

  5. What a wonderful weekend away! Seems like it was just the thing — not to forget your loss and ache, but to soak in the goodness of your marriage. Infertility and loss can do such a number on relationships, it’s sounds like it was really good to just be with and enjoy each other. (Think I’m going to work on talking my husband into a trip to Boston, where we met.)

    Your pictures are just gorgeous. Glad you’re back.

  6. Wow, sounds like a great mini-trip. I havent been to Seattle in 10 years, but I loved every second when I was there. Your pictures are beautiful! So glad you enjoyed your time together as a couple–it’s healing, isn’t it?

  7. Welcome back! So glad that you were able to put things aside for even a few moments, and to enjoy your time with the Amazing M. I had a very similar experience myself last week – somehow it takes a complete break away to make us appreciate all that we do have.

  8. Welcome back and it sounds like you had an amazing trip. I think that’s great that you are truly enjoying your time with each other. I’ve often taken breaks and mini getaways to get away from it all but I know that feeling “wanting to be a mother” is always there and you can never truly really escape from reality.

  9. When you say “drank a lot,” you do mean coffee, right? (?) sometimes a few days away can be rather fortifying, despite the reminders. I hope it’s this way for you.

  10. tash, we drank everything. I still try to stay away from coffee but it’s just so good, especially there. we drank lots of local wine and beer. oregon and washington make really great pinot noir, and there are microbrews and taphouses everywhere just begging to be tried. I also had the best mojito ever, made with rum from grenada, fresh lime and mint, shaken and served chilled and straight up like a martini — it was just like candy… mmm, candy…

  11. Welcome back! Sounds like a wonderful trip. Thanks for checking out my blog. Your pictures are beautiful, and the part of your post about sitting behind a toddler really struck home with me- it is always so nice to get away (either physically or mentally), but the “heart punch” reminders are always out there, aren’t they?
    Good luck with the lupron. My acupuncturist has figured out that lupron messes with my liver and has suggested these things for me: peppermint tea, and laying off of the tylenol and alcohol. I find the tea really helps, I’m not so good at not drinking wine (or mojitos!)
    BTW, I think we are both Bay Area people… I had a very good mojito last week at the new Water Bar on the Embarcadero in SF if you need a pre-FET cocktail!
    -Dot

  12. What a great vacation! So glad you had a good time, and I really love the photos. Seattle is a fun city for a getaway. On a different note, I’ve tagged you on my blog — hope you don’t mind.

  13. Ah, to embrace the present. Isn’t that the challenge? Sounds like Seattle did you good. Thanks for sharing.

  14. Welcome back! I’m so glad you enjoyed your break, and were able to take time out to focus on your wonderful relationship with the Amazing M. As you know, I had a very similar experience myself last week – I’ve come to the conclusion that we all sometimes need to take time simply to appreciate these incredible men in our lives!

  15. Sorry – I’ve just said much the same thing twice! I posted a comment yesterday, but then wasn’t sure whether it had registered on your blog – my computer seemed to hang just after I’d pressed ‘submit comment’!

  16. Glad to have you back in blogland! Your pictures are fabulous!

  17. Sounds like a great trip! Love the photos and so glad you had a short refuge from the constant thinking about infertility. Welcome back!

  18. Sweetie, I totally noticed you were gone! 😦

    In the past few years, I’ve found vacations to be bittersweet. The last three vacations we’ve taken have been “last” vacations–you know, the last hurrah before you have a kid and can’t do that anymore? I realized this during our most recent vacation (PR in November) and the realization made me bitter and sad. I’m really glad we took the vacation, but I also had a hard time because I wasn’t having as much fun as I thought I should be having, given the setting. I kept waking up out of a daze and thinking “what am I doing here?” Then I’d remember, “oh yeah, we had to get away after our last loss. PR is lovely, but it’s just our consolation prize.”

    I’m so glad you had a lovely time and got to rediscover the love of your life. J and I have found lately that the more grown-up our activities, the more we escape what we’re missing and take advantage of what we can still do. And the more we appreciate each other. So we’ve been going to a lot of plays and museums and such.

    A final note: Your mojito description is making me drool. Haven’t had a drink since Thanksgiving. Haven’t been this sober since high school. It SUCKS.

  19. I’m so glad you had such a wonderful trip! It sounds like you two had a great time just being together. Just what you needed I’m sure!

    Sorry the reality struck so harshly when you got back though. That sucks. That’s the thing about IF…you can get distracted for short periods but it is ALWAYS there waiting for you once the distraction is gone. Grrr!

    I hope at least some of the bliss of your relationship lingers for awhile though! I love when we have those moments in our marriage!

  20. Glad that you had a wonderful trip to Seattle- it truly does help you clear your mind. But I do understand what you mean by the reminders- we would be walking along amongst adults having wonderful conversation thinking this is our life now, I can do this- only to be run into by playful laughing children running through Pike’s Place or having to dodge strollers in the airport- it was like a snap back to reality vacation is over back to the real world- happy parents and happy children that aren’t mine. I need a drink- that mojito sounds damn good right now!

  21. […] childless life without some plan for the future. Sometimes that plan meant weekends away — Seattle, Big Sur, Vegas, Disney (though without M), the Southwest. Sometimes a quick getaway is just what […]

  22. […] goodies from a few weekend excursions in 2008 before there was a Baby J. Guess which one is from Seattle and which is from Big Sur. Then, in honor of my impending birthday next month, I treat you to my […]

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