blocked and shot

The other day I wrote about feeling at a loss for words. Stuck, or blocked. Then of course something happened that made me feel forever infertile, and I had to write about it. To get it out. To share with people who know, who understand. Your comments to my last post all blew me away, deep thanks to every one of you. I teared up reading them, and so did the Amazing M I think.

That night after the blessing ceremony, he was worried about me. He laid in bed, probably feeling a bit helpless. He knew I was sad and depressed, teetering on hopeless. But there just wasn’t anything more to say. It had all been said before.
We both felt it. Writing about our day late that night while he fell asleep was therapeutic. As I tapped out the words through tears, I sat there shaking my head, thinking I can’t believe this is my life. Will this always be our life?  When I was done, I finished my tea, took some deep breaths, and washed my face (and the salt from my eyes — to get rid of the puffy — now you know my secret, sad but true). Then I went to bed. And silently prayed to my ancestors to send us our child.

The next day he read my post, and your comments. He told me how relieved he was that I was writing about it, that I wasn’t bottling it up inside. He knows me pretty damn well. He knows I alternate between speaking my mind without filters and holding my thoughts and feelings deep within, rather than expressing them. He realizes that part of my process includes writing. So he is grateful to know I have such a wonderful outlet, but even more so for the community of support.


So this week I had to go out of town for a conference. My laptop is ancient and obsolete, and I was offline for a few days. (I know!) It was strange not to check my many email accounts, and to have to get my news from the paper and TV. I also missed checking in on some bloggers… So I found the hotel lobby’s public computer terminal when it was quiet and went online. I tried to access my own blog (to approve a comment), and wouldn’t you know it, it was fucking blocked! The parental block probably caught some nasty ass language somewhere and wouldn’t let me fucking open it. Had to fucking laugh.

Another thing — now you’ll know what a wuss I really am — this was the first time I had to give myself injections. I just started lupron for the upcoming FET in March. Even with three medicated IUIs and a complete IVF in 2007, I’ve never administered my own shots until the other day. See, like many of you, I despise needles, they terrify me. I’ve always hated them. Big baby, I know. I get weak just thinking about them. Whenever blood is drawn or an IV is started, I look away. 
Every time. And I’ve had a lot of surgeries and blood draws. I can’t look because of the “fight or flight” response.  I see it coming and I tense up, not good. When I opened the big box the first time, I got sick to my stomach. I cut the class at the clinic with the needles (actually I left early). But the Amazing M has actually gotten quite skilled at it. He even shot me up in a parking lot once. Plus it’s a nice way to keep him involved. But I finally had to do a few shots of lupron myself. Yay me. 

One last thing, I realized I had to check my bag on the flight because of the stupid needles. As if I could hold the plane hostage threatening to give the pilot early menopause! Really. 


~ by luna on February 22, 2008.

8 Responses to “blocked and shot”

  1. Oh my. I’m quite sure I would have a very hard time giving myself a shot. You impress me!!

    Sending many positive thoughts and prayers your way…

  2. I’m so glad that you’re back on line, and that writing is helping. You’ve been in my thoughts ever since I read your last post.

    Congratulations on giving yourself your first shot! I remember how terrified I was – but somehow it felt easier to do it myself, rather than having Mr H stick me!

    Your suggestion that you could perhaps hold up the plane by threatening to give the pilot early menopause made me laugh – do you reckon if we all got together with our syringes full of artificial hormones, we could take over the world?!?

  3. Wishing you every bit of luck with upcoming FET!

  4. I’m so glad you posted. After your last post, I was worried you were having a hard time.

    It is wonderful that you have Amazing M in your life. He sounds like a fantastic partner who is supportive and obviously utterly devoted.

    I am glad you posted about that day, because that was rough. I would not have been so strong. I hope you can see your strength, because it is clear to all of us who read you.

    Congrats on giving yourself the Lupron shots! I never had a problem administering shots to myself (NOT counting the PIO shots) BUT I did have a problem with traveling for work. Funniest place I ever “shot up”? I was visiting a client who was in jail and it was time for my Gonal-F, so I want out to my car and sat in the driver’s seat. I was facing a guard who was looking at me. I got everything ready, and, when he wasn’t looking gave myself the shot. I knew I wasn’t doing anything illegal, but it was kind of scary! And the airport thing stressed me out – especially if I had to give myself a shot during a long flight You have to get a note from your doctor – it is a pain.

  5. I despise needles as well and I hate the stress of traveling with them. I love the idea of taking a plane hostage threatening the pilot with early menopause!! Awesome! I am so glad writing is helping to cleanse the soul as I find also that this is my best medicine these days. I am wishing you lots of luck as you prepare for your FET!!!

  6. I’m glad the first solo shot went well. I’m wishing you the best of luck with this cycle…

    Thanks for stopping by and saying hi. The best salads are the ones you grow yourself, even if you’re working with a small patch. You’ve got a great weather advantage though! I’m very jealous of Bay Area growers, compared to the tortures plants endure here in the Flyover Zone. May your containers bear many fruits!

  7. I’m glad you are writing and finding some comfort from the comments. This community is truly amazing.
    Well done on the injections, you should be very proud of yourself.
    I’ll be cheering you through this FET in March. I can’t tell you how much I’m hoping x

  8. We are so fortunate to have this outlet to connect and feel supported. I wish it had existed for me when I started, but grateful nonetheless that it exists now. I am just like you when it comes to shots and blood draws — I ALWAYS looked away. It never got any easier…

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