our last hope
With my BBT in a doomed downward spiral, a new cycle is bound to begin within hours. Once again my lining will shed its useless self since it’s no longer needed or apparently capable of sustaining life. I guess we can add luteal phase defect to the long fucking list of obstacles to becoming pregnant. Check.
I figured this had become a problem in the past year or two as I’ve grown older and closer to 40 than 35. On non-medicated cycles when I’ve temped or used OPKs, my LP has been just 9-11 days instead of the desirable 12-14 days. Not good. Makes it pretty impossible to maintain a pregnancy. Of course that assumes I’m capable of conceiving at all anymore, which seems highly unlikely by now…
An LP defect is normally something that can be “corrected” or adjusted by using (nasty) progesterone supplements or other drugs, or perhaps by more holistic means. (I’ve done both.) But this assumes I will remain under some type of care and continue to delude myself that I can conceive naturally if the FET fails. At this point, I think that’s just not going to happen. This seems like yet another way my body is telling me it is simply unfit for children. It’s actually been screaming at me for some time, though I’ve willfully ignored all the signs. Instead, I’ve been thinking/hoping/wishing/praying I could subdue my body into compliance with just the right amount of help, or trickery. I’ve been trying to bend it to my will and my RE’s medical magic. But no, my reproductive system seems to have a stubborn mind of her own — ditching her job for early retirement with nothing to show for my many years of hard work. Yeah, this is where I let out a sad heavy sigh.
Actually, it’s not entirely true to say we have nothing to show for it. We did conceive once, which ended in heartbreak (and I still have that). And we did manage to conceive again, in a petri dish, or several dishes in fact (so we’ve got that too). That’s about as close to pregnant as I’ve been in two years. That is, aside from the few days that two tiny perfect embryos might’ve been looking for a place to burrow in before my hoohah so rudely evicted them. Bitch.
So the other thing my imminent period means (aside from the LP defect) is that my FET protocol will begin. The last hurrah. Our final hope. Tomorrow I’ll start BCP for two weeks, then after another period I’ll apply an increasing number of estrogen patches until I’m ready for transfer in mid-March. Afterwards, more big shots in the ass with progesterone (joy!). Then, my last real 2ww…
So, now we hope against the odds that one of our remaining frosties may soon be ready to stick around and join us. I’ll start cleaning out his/her room any minute now. A womb with a view.
Say what you will about “hope” — e.g., it’s necessary for life, an evil opiate, a necessary evil, etc. You can believe whatever you wish on the subject. I have many thoughts on this, which vary depending on the day. Today my hope is tempered by reality. Rather than waxing poetic about the utility of hope, for now I’ll just accept that on the other side of hope is despair…
“Appetite, with an opinion of attaining, is called hope; the same, without such opinion, despair.”
Thomas Hobbes (1588-1679)
George Eliot (1819-1880) Middlemarch