our last hope

With my BBT in a doomed downward spiral, a new cycle is bound to begin within hours. Once again my lining will shed its useless self since it’s no longer needed or apparently capable of sustaining life. I guess we can add luteal phase defect to the long fucking list of obstacles to becoming pregnant. Check.

I figured this had become a problem in the past year or two as I’ve grown older and closer to 40 than 35. On non-medicated cycles when I’ve temped or used OPKs, my LP has been just 9-11 days instead of the desirable 12-14 days. Not good. Makes it pretty impossible to maintain a pregnancy. Of course that assumes I’m capable of conceiving at all anymore, which seems highly 
unlikely by now

An LP defect is normally something that can be “corrected” or adjusted by using (nasty) progesterone supplements or other drugs, or perhaps by 
more holistic means. (I’ve done both.) But this assumes I will remain under some type of care and continue to delude myself that I can conceive naturally if the FET fails. At this point, I think that’s just not going to happen. This seems like yet another way my body is telling me it is simply unfit for children. It’s actually been screaming at me for some time, though I’ve willfully ignored all the signs. Instead, I’ve been thinking/hoping/wishing/praying I could subdue my body into compliance with just the right amount of help, or trickery. I’ve been trying to bend it to my will and my RE’s medical magic. But no, my reproductive system seems to have a stubborn mind of her own — ditching her job for early retirement with nothing to show for my many years of hard work. Yeah, this is where I let out a sad heavy sigh.

Actually, it’s not entirely true to say we have nothing to show for it. We did conceive once, which ended in heartbreak (and I still have that). And we did manage to conceive again, in a petri dish, or several dishes in fact (so we’ve got that too). That’s about as close to pregnant as I’ve been in two years. That is, aside from the few days that two tiny perfect embryos might’ve been looking for a place to burrow in before my hoohah so rudely evicted them. Bitch. 

So the other thing my imminent period means (aside from the LP defect) is that my FET protocol will begin. The last hurrah. Our final hope. Tomorrow I’ll start BCP for two weeks, then after another period I’ll apply an increasing number of estrogen patches until I’m ready for transfer in mid-March. Afterwards, more big shots in the ass with progesterone (joy!). Then, my last real 2ww…

So, now we hope against the odds that one of our remaining frosties may soon be ready to stick around and join us. I’ll start cleaning out his/her room any minute now. A womb with a view. 

Say what you will about “hope” — e.g., it’s necessary for life, an evil opiate, a necessary evil, etc. You can believe whatever you wish on the subject. I have many thoughts on this, which vary depending on the day. Today my hope is tempered by reality. Rather than waxing poetic about the utility of hope, for now I’ll just accept that on the other side of hope is despair…

“Appetite, with an opinion of attaining, is called hope; the same, without such opinion, despair.” 
Thomas Hobbes (1588-1679) 

“What we call our despair is often only the painful eagerness of unfed hope.” 
George Eliot (1819-1880)
Middlemarch 

 

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~ by luna on February 5, 2008.

11 Responses to “our last hope”

  1. I’ll still have hope for you. You can borrow it anytime you need some.

    I know it’s really hard. I wish I could help make it better. I’m happy for you that you’re moving forward.

  2. I’m also struggling with hope and the passage of time this week. No matter how discouraged I get, I still have to say that hope is a thing of beauty, even when it is continually dashed upon the rocks. It floats and rises and comes to life again, given enough time and space and breathing room. Which doesn’t make the dashing part any less painful, alas. If we could get time to re-set itself like hope does, all of this would be so much easier.

  3. Hi. I’m sorry you’re in such a crappy place right now. If it’s any consolation (and we both know it’s not) I’m right there with you. If there were something profound or helpful to say, I’d say it, but I can’t. Sometimes it’s worse than other times, but it always bad, bad, bad. But I hope it doesn’t last forever for you. I hope things finally work out and you get to join those fortunate (well, relatively) people who have happy endings to their sad stories.

    And thanks for your comment. Even eight months later, it means a lot.

  4. Sweetpea, I am sorry. From what I understand of LPD (which isn’t a lot), can’t they start you on progesterone suppositories three DPO and then d/c if not pregnant? Sorry if it’s assvice, but I’d hate to see you get pregnant only to lose a baby due to that. You’ve already been through TOO MUCH.

  5. Holding your virtual hand. I understand very well that hope can be illusive. This is a shitty, shitty process. I haven’t been through the loss you have and can’t begin to understand the extent of your pain. So, I’m going to hope for both of us. I’m not talking about the “fleeting wish on a falling star” kind of hope or some such silliness. I’m talking gale strength hope. Moving mountains kind of hope. I think it will work.

  6. I am so there with you right now. I’ve also come to look at it like I’m trying to “trick” my body into getting/staying pregnant even though it seems to me it clearly wasn’t “meant to” (and in previous generations I would’ve been written off as some barren gal who just had no hope). It brings up such complex feelings.

    It’s so hard to feel like your body just doesn’t want to carry a pregnancy — or just can’t? It’s like what the hell is all this stuff there for if not to do that?! Why have I suffered through all these periods? So unfair.

    Anyway, I’m very much looking forward to your FET and will be right here all the way. Totally waiting for your happy ending, too!

  7. LOVE the quotes, especially the one about despair being unfed hope.

    wishing you the best.

  8. Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. If there’s any way you can (and I often fail at this), try not to hate your body for doing this to you. I know it feels like you body has abandoned you, betrayed you, dashed your hopes, even made you play the fool, but it’s doing the best it can. I understand the feeling that it is your body, your womb, that is killing your babies, rejecting your embryos, refusing to be pregnant. I think most women who suffer miscarriages feel that way from time to time. But you know that’s not the reality, at least not all the time. (For example, a failed IVF cycle usually is because the embryos failed to keep developing, not because your uterus refused to let them implant.)

    Your body CAN be pregnant. It’s done it before, and it even got close to the finish line (I know, cold comfort). Sure, you’ve got a short luteal phase (so do I), which means you need medical intervention. But you’re getting the medical intervention; you’re doing what you need to do to give your body every opportunity. (BTW, my RE told me that clomid helps with the luteal phase as well, because the luteal phase is controlled by the hormones released after the follicles let go of the eggs, or something like that, so it might not be all over after this, if you want to go on.)

    Anyway, I really hope I’m not coming across as preachy, because this is something I’ve really struggled with myself. I’ve had so many medical problems, so many times when my body has let me down, that my initial reaction to IF, and then to miscarriages, was “of course. What did I expect?” That being said, I’m healthier and happier when I accept what my body is trying to do for me, when I see it as a partner instead of an enemy that I must defeat.

    So if you can, try to make friends with your body before you go into this FET cycle. If you can, try to forgive it for what it’s done to you. And if you can’t, I don’t blame you one bit.

  9. I’m so sorry! There’s really not much to say at this point except that we’ve all been there and know how much those feelings suck.

  10. I am sorry- I used to remember when that nasty AF would rear her ugly head was viewed as a blessing- damn I was sick and twisted at the beginning of this nightmare- it meant it was time to start another cycle- another chance to ttc, a fresh start- then month after month she kept showing up- and then she wasn’t so welcomed any more- that 2ww that at the beginning (man that was so long ago that it was full of anticipation and joy) couldn’t end fast enough- I can’t remember how many tests I would go through because you know those commercials tell you ‘5 days before your missed period’ yeah whatever….now that 2ww drags on for feels like 2 months- the cramping starts and the spotting- I know they all say that we shouldn’t blame ourselves or our bodies- but when month after month AF is the only constant in our lives- the only constant that we don’t want in our lives, because it isn’t bringing hope anymore- it is just a cruel reminder that once again I am still empty- I feel your heartbreak- I know that right now for me conceiving would not be optimal timing- but I still have that small glimmer of hope tucked deep down somewhere- and we aren’t doing anything to prevent it from happening- and still nothing happens- I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that something or someone else knows that we are done- it hurts- but it is reality.
    As for you- look at this cycle as your body getting ready- or as you said ‘cleaning house’ preparing for your frostie- Your RE seems to have a great plan ahead for you for your FET- just think your little one(s) are currently on an arctic adventure snoozing away, just waiting for your nice toasty womb with a view. Hang in there this week- I am keeping you in my thoughts- find a nice fuzzy blanket, a hot cup of chamomile tea and a juicy novel- kick back and relax- have some you time- you deserve it!

  11. I want to second what Babychaser has already written. It is so hard not to feel that our bodies have failed us.

    I’m not going to go on about the power of positive thinking – if it were that simple, each and every one of us would be pregnant by now. But I am hoping as hard as I possibly can that the FET will work for you.

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