so here’s what I did

Thanks for your comments on my earlier post about problem friend. You are all right. Her gesture was kind, but probably too little too late. It’s really not worth my energy or an explanation. It’s not a good time for us, it may never be. We still need our space, some distance. This friendship has been out of balance for a while now. It’s not just our infertility, that’s only the lens through which I see it now. If it weren’t for the unfortunate fact that we will continue to encounter these people, this would be easy. 

I realize they just
don’t know how to support us. And you’re right. It’s not my job to explain it. I don’t have the energy or the interest. Sure, I realize if I need something, I might need to ask for it. But this is different. This is about basic common humanity. It’s about making an effort to understand. Is it so hard to step outside one’s own head for a mere instant to consider another person? Yes, I’ll say it again and I’ll keep saying it — it’s about compassion. And they don’t have it.

Yet I recognize this latest effort as a genuine attempt to reach out, to re-connect, to inquire. There seems to be real concern behind the lame assvice. So I thought it should be acknowledged somehow. But katarinajellybeana, I think you are so right that she’s only trying to “fix” a problem that simply cannot be “fixed.” (And I laughed hard at telling her where to stick that class!)

Ultimately, I wanted to say something to maintain the distance that would avoid the need to continue to make up excuses for why we don’t want to see them. As the Amazing M said this morning, seeing them in the future will only be awkward if we let it. In other words, we have the power to get over it, and them. He’s a pretty smart one.

So, anyway, I took a deep breath, and replied. I said something like “thanks for your email. we appreciate the kind thoughts. we’ve just been having a pretty rough time of it. we may emerge from this somehow, at some point. thanks again for thinking of us. hope you’re all well.” When I hit send, I felt a strange sense of release, relief, but also sadness.

She replied soon after, saying “don’t hesitate to call if you need anything.” She also said every Thursday morning she comes out to the community center across from my house with her two little girls for a play group, if I ever want to have lunch or something. Another nice gesture. But please remind me never to work from home on Thursdays.  

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~ by luna on February 2, 2008.

2 Responses to “so here’s what I did”

  1. “Reminder to Luna: Never work at home or drive by the community center on Thursdays.”

    Okay, must add that I truly HATE it when someone tries to get the last word in. (In this case, an email.) To me, “Last Word” people are all about themselves … world revolves around them. And this totally sounds like that.

    Alright, getting off my “Last Word” soapbox. I’m very proud of your response and happy that you’re feeling much more relieved.

  2. I think you handled that spectacularly. It sucks when people want you to be the same person you were before some kind of personal trial. No room for growth.

    I’ve been thinking a lot about some of your older posts lately. I haven’t responded because I can’t think of anything to say. I think I just wanted you to know that they have really stuck with me and that they’re still on my mind. You really are an exceptional writer. You cut to the essence of a matter with such clarity. Very compelling, very reflective of my own experience.

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