forward motion?

Given my last week or so of posts, it looks as though my over 35/IVF blog has transformed into a blog on life after loss. Who knows, after my FET, there’s a chance it could even morph into a blog on trying to accept living child-free…  

I enjoy the freedom to write about whatever it is I’m thinking of or dealing with at the moment. Not that every subject will appeal to you, dear reader. I might just go off on a tangent about my favorite molten chocolate cake 
recipe (best ever, served warm with fresh whipped cream and raspberries, mmm), or my food cravings after a bfn (see molten cake, gooey goat cheese, dungeness crab, seared ahi, fresh salmon sashimi, sweet potato fries, creamy mashed potatoes, coffee with real organic milk, a bottle of good red wine — not all at the same time, of course).

Or I might tell you how the Amazing M and I have been going at it like rockstars in the (is it delusional?) hope that all of our obstacles will miraculously disappear and a magical window (and my tube) will open for that golden egg to drop and we will catch it just right… False hope? Maybe, probably. But a girl can dream, right? Besides, it’s been fun. 

Anyway, back to my point. I know, I was talking about food and sex, which is way more enticing than grief. But I’m almost done, I promise.

It has been quite powerful to remember my angel boy this week while recovering from my failed IVF and facing our fast dwindling options for the future. While I’m hopeful for the chance that FET offers, I’m also anticipating how I’ll feel if it too fails. In the midst of this, all that deep down lingering grief just bubbled right back up to the surface. So I sat with it. It gives me perspective. And now that I’m trying to determine how much hope I have left, I guess it’s only fitting to reflect on how much hope I once had.  

As I emerge from this reflective stage, I imagine I’ll return to talking more about my upcoming FET and life as an infertile. Already I can see how after multiple treatments one could become so jaded to the mundane details of IVF, when all that ultimately matters is the outcome. Since I’ve tried to fight this infertility war one battle at a time, I’ve been excited by every victory at each step (e.g., number of follicles, eggs, embryos, etc.). Though I know none of it really matters if I can’t sustain a pregnancy. But I’m not ready to give up just yet…

So it’s my hope that by processing my grief — the old and the new — I may continue to build strength and grace to (eventually) accept the past as well as the future, whatever it holds… 

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~ by luna on January 26, 2008.

9 Responses to “forward motion?”

  1. Sounds like you and I have identical food-loves! I’m drooling on my keyboard…

    Seriously, ANYTHING you write about, I will happily read.

  2. Um, yeah, about that molten cake recipe? That needs to be posted. Now.

  3. Sometimes we need to sit with our deepest feelings — especially if they’re not easily understood. It’s only by looking at what’s in our heart that we’ll be able to move forward. Keep writing about whatever subjects you choose.

  4. I think you write with an enormous sense of grace already.

    And it is possible, that after that FET, this could become a pregnancy/baby blog. I know that it is difficult to believe it may be after such a journey. I find it easier to hope for others than myself. I will hold onto the hope for you Luna.

    P.S. The going at it like rockstars bit made me snort with laughter! Us too!! Desperation perhaps? Still, stranger things have happened…no?

  5. Food, sex and grief fit really nicely together. They’re emblematic of life, and living life fully, and you’re clearly tasting every last drop of each experience as it comes to you, no matter how painful that may be. I really admire that.

  6. The beauty of your blog is that it’s yours and you get to define it. How lovely to be in control of something, huh. We will have lots to reflect about in the next month or two. I’m leaning toward good news all around. And thank you for your kind words. My shopping experience was extreme and worthwhile (shoes, ah, shoeas). I’m doing my part for the economy! Melanie

  7. Whatever topic you care to tackle in your blog, I will be reading — I really enjoy your posts. (But let’s start with that cake recipe, shall we??) 😉

  8. I think that a blog should necessarily be a fluid, shifting thing, that reflects our fluid, shifting feelings about infertility and/or loss. Sometimes we are optimistic, sometimes we are despairing. Sometimes we may just be trying to get on with the day-to-day business of living (and of course cooking!).

    But whatever you choose to write about, I will keep reading.

  9. I think a blog should be about what is happening ~now~ in your life and doesn’t have to fit into some predetermined outline of topics. I’ve been following you and not once have I thought “well, this isn’t the blog I signed up for”. So you just go ahead and type what’s on your mind!

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