well so much for that.

The other day I wrote about some of the things I’m feeling besides strong. I wrote about how when I become overwhelmed, I try to remember some of the “life lessons” I’ve learned through dealing with loss and infertility. Well today that all went to shit, at least for a moment…

Today was not a great day. As is usually the case, I’m somehow constantly surrounded by unwelcome baby talk. Not just by beloved family and friends, whose kids I know and adore (not that I don’t have a hard time being around them sometimes, or wrestle with attending all those obligatory events, because I do). And not by my virtual friends (old and new) who are finally pregnant after so much heartache (because I know what they’ve gone through to get there).

No, I’m talking about the kids of total strangers. Mothers at the supermarket, girlfriends having lunch, fathers on the bus.  Anyone in line anywhere for anything — they’re all talking about kids, every one of them.  Who’s got them/who doesn’t, what they’re doing/not doing, what they’re saying/not saying, where they go to school/will go, etc.

Now of course, if I am ever graced by the babygoddess (where are you, woman?) with a child of my own, I would want to share my joy with anyone who would listen. But that’s just it. I really don’t want to hear about these people’s kids. I don’t need yet another reminder that I’m the only one in the universe who has none. It’s like that annoying person who talks on their cell phone so loudly that everyone is forced to listen to whatever inane thing is so important that the person has to practically shout. Even in the quiet solitude of my commute home from work (with headphones on to shield me from such banter and lead my mind elsewhere), I am forced to listen to people going on and on about their children. Yes I get it, kids are great, yours especially, really. Now leave me alone, please.

I know, I sound mean and bitter. I sound like a total bitch. But I’m not. I’m just horribly depressed. And frustrated. I’m dealing with a huge loss and the hard truth that I may never have children. I just don’t understand why two incredible people who would be such wonderful and loving parents may never get to. And I’m surrounded by this reality wherever I turn.

Today I had an extra special reminder with the. period. from. hell. I had been warned by a friend about the first period post-failed-IVF. But I had no idea it would be so, well, gross (sorry if TMI, but I had to tell someone). With dull aching cramps and a pounding headache. Ugh. 

So naturally, as I was on my way home today I was feeling completely weak and depleted, on so many levels, and I finally brokedown. You know those uncontrollable sobs that hurt but make you feel a little better afterwards, but only a little. I do believe that tears release necessary pressure, and they help cleanse the spirit. So I let myself feel it, all of it. I leaned into it and just sobbed. I shook my head and came up for air and cried some more. And when I was done, I took a deep breath, and then another. I blew my nose, wiped my sad eyes and regained my composure (strength, or just the appearance?). And I headed home.

So yes, I felt it, I owned it. But that doesn’t make it any easier. 


~ by luna on January 9, 2008.

9 Responses to “well so much for that.”

  1. (((hugs))) I’m sorry. I hope today is a better day for you!

  2. Wish I could tell you otherwise, but you’re right … it doesn’t make it any easier. Sigh.

  3. “And when I was done, I took a deep breath, and then another. I blew my nose, wiped my sad eyes and regained my composure (strength, or just the appearance?).”

    Strength. It’s definitely strength.

    You write so beautifully. Thank you for sharing your experience and in such a poignant way. I hope things get easier, I really do.

    – Angela

  4. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but on this journey there is little in the way of words that can heal a broken heart. Just know that you are absolutely NOT the only one for whom the baby goddess has yet to visit. As long as I’m traveling this road I’ll be here to keep you company.

  5. I too wish there was something more I could say. Thinking of you

  6. So sorry you are feeling down today. I know exactly that feeling and it is so hard when you get that period post IVF. I am hoping tomorrow is a better day!

  7. I think that there is some kind of unwritten rule of infertility that says, the more vulnerable you are feeling, the more babies and small children you will encounter as you go about your daily business.

    I am sorry that this was such a difficult day for you.

  8. […] in the street. Bellies and strollers everywhere. Mothers and fathers with their children, or just talking about them. It’s a natural part of life, simply unavoidable. And our encounters will only continue as […]

  9. […] childless couple in the room, listening to endless baby talk and strangers in public places going on and on about their children, co-workers and colleagues showing off their new babies and complaining about […]

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