still standing…

My deepest gratitude to everyone who has come by to offer support and see how I’m doing. Your shared words and kind wishes mean so much as I get back on my feet and find the next step… I can’t express how much, just please know every word counts. Thanks also to any lurkers who are too shy to comment, I know you’re out there…

As you can imagine by now, the bfn was confirmed, or I would have been happily eating 
my words. I couldn’t bring myself to go in for the bloodwork after peeing on the best sticks money could buy. By 14dp3dt, even my wonderful nurse had to agree it was probably accurate.  A blood test just seemed like another unnecessary form of torture. And I’d had enough of that this month. So I stopped the meds. No more shots in the ass, no more estrogen. It was strange and sad to not have an injection before bed. But now I guess I’ll try to re-claim my body from this madness for a little while, as I take the required break to figure out what’s next…

So I’ve been trying to sit with this, digesting my thoughts and all of your words, pondering where to go from here and what if that’s a dead end too. I think I’ve been waiting for some divine 
inspiration, trying to find the right words to keep myself going. And there really are none. Just pursuit of the dream. That’s all there is. And what’s left of my determination and persistence. And faith. Faith in my body, in my RE. In the very idea that I am supposed to be a mother. That we are supposed to be wonderful parents to a child (or two). Everything has been called into question. But the dream lives on… 

I’ve been taking comfort in the arms of the Amazing M. In the midst of our latest defeat, we desperately need a vacation. For so long we’ve been so focused on my cycles and concerned about the cost of treatments that we haven’t treated ourselves to the time we need together, away from it all. (Yeah, I know, it’s still always with us and will be here when we get back, but you know what I mean.) The last vacation we took was glorious. After I lost our baby in 2006, we cashed in all of our miles and took a trip to Europe to celebrate our 10th anniversary, choosing areas we had never visited. Exploring the magic of new places has always been an incredible adventure for us, and we enjoyed every minute. Not so much since then… So, as we figure out if and when we might try an FET, we will have to plan some time away, somehow.

In the meantime, this weekend I’ve had something else to think about while we weathered the nasty storms that hit Northern California. As the creek behind our house rose to a raging river, we sat in candlelight on floodwatch. I wondered what I would grab if I had just a few minutes to leave (answer: my grandmother’s jewelry, our wedding photos, laptop, carkeys, some family photos/books/heirlooms and supplies if there was time…).

We were lucky to survive in tact and our power was soon restored. We’re still standing. I can only hope to say the same thing some day about making it through the shit-storm that is infertility… 

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~ by luna on January 6, 2008.

8 Responses to “still standing…”

  1. I am glad to hear that you are still standing. It takes such strength and courage to get up again after a loss.

    I will be thinking of you and praying for you while you continue to make your way through. Whatever you decide to do next, I am here for you.

  2. “Just pursuit of the dream. That’s all there is. And what’s left of my determination and persistence.”

    As to the above quote from your post…there is no “just.” Your continuing pursuit of your dream to become a mother is everything. If you’ve got this, and your faith that it will happen, you WILL make it. I’m not disregarding the science of it all. But I do believe that our determination and persistence pays off in the end, no matter how much heartache we have to endure to get there. And I have no doubt, no doubt at all, that it will pay off you. Your dream will be realized.

    I just read your 2007 RIP post and I had no idea about everything you have been through. I am so sorry that you have experienced so much pain and loss. It’s so $&%*ing unfair.

    I am so very inspired by your determination to move forward. I am in a somewhat similar situation having just had a failed IVF, and, like you, the only thing I have right now is my dream to become a mother. I’m fiercely holding onto it.

    Please keep dreaming and pursuing and moving forward. And have that vacation. Most of all, take care of you.

    – Angela

  3. That weather sounds awful. I’m glad it didn’t get any worse.

    I think a trip away may be just what you need. We hadn’t been away in a long time but went after my last miscarriage. Yes the whole sorry mess was still here on our return but we did have fun. It can be hard to do that in the middle of treatment. We have to be good to ourselves sometimes.

    Look after yourself x

  4. I’m so sorry. Disappointment is never an easy thing.

    Vacation (or at least the idea of) sooths quite a lot. I hope you find a way to make it work.

  5. I so admire your resilience. Your vacation idea is a good one. Getting a chance to clear your head with a different environment can do wonders. I wish you continued strength and much support as you continue with your decision making…

  6. A vacation is a great idea.

  7. If only there was this divine flash of inspiration suddenly, clearly showing us the way. I am so sorry that you are still in the middle of this difficult struggle. I know that a pregnancy wouldn’t have been the end of it but at least it changes the playing field for 9 months. A holiday sounds like a wonderful idea and it does help to get away from it all geographically speaking.

  8. […] several occasions, we’ve been lucky to be  out of harm’s way. Though we’ve been on flood watch before — where I’ve wondered what I’d grab if we had to evacuate, and actually […]

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