brand new day
And so it begins. 2008. A brand new year, ripe with new possibilities, new opportunities. Always a good time for new beginnings, new hope. Or maybe today is merely just another day? As we embark on yet another year, we sit at the threshold of the future. But everything is about to shift.
2008 is the year in which I will turn 39. This spring marks 6 years since my first hoohah surgery, 4 years since we’ve been trying to create a baby, and 2 years since we lost our only child halfway through pregnancy. Last year saw more than its fair share of sadness too. And while I have so many hopes and dreams for 2008, I have been through enough to know better than to truly believe this year will be different.
In a way we have never really made it to this point before, the brink of knowing once and for all whether we will become parents. We’ve been through many cycles of trying, yes. But this was our first and only IVF attempt. The best chance we’ve had to make a baby since I was pregnant 2 years ago. This is our greatest and last hope. And while we may be lucky enough to try an FET if it fails, we know this is our best shot. So as we near the end of this long 2ww, we are at once the closest we have been in years and also maybe the farthest we will ever be from having a child. We are nearing the moment in which everything changes.
Today I am torn. I am filled with hope, but also plagued by fear.
I am filled with gratitude for what I have in my life. I am humbled by the love of a wonderful man. When I look deep into my heart or out into the horizon, there is no place I’d rather be than by his side. And I know how lucky I am to have someone whose love sustains me through the darkest moments. And who can make me laugh when I need it most.
At the same time there is this unquenchable longing that even the Amazing M can not satisfy. This primal urge. No amount of nurturing one’s partner (or pet or plant) can fulfill the fundamental need to mother a real living, breathing child. No matter how full our life is with love and laughter, sometimes I feel like I could drown in the emptiness that surrounds us. That sadness still lies just under the surface.
The brink of a new year is a strange time to be stuck in the 2ww. This one especially, knowing how very BIG it is. How much is invested. How high our hopes. How far we’d fall…
And so today I join everyone who has ever had to ask themselves, “to pee or not to pee?” Tomorrow is 11dp3dt and I should be able to get an accurate reading on the plastic stick that anxiously awaits my early morning pee, given the dosage of hCG I was given. Of course my RE wants me to wait until my beta on Friday (13dp3dt). The Amazing M would probably also rather I wait until the more accurate blood test before becoming elated or discouraged. Though he says to do what I need to do. But for many of the reasons you have all so eloquently articulated, I don’t want to learn the news (good or bad) from a stranger on the phone (or even from my wonderful nurse). No, I’m pretty sure I need to know, or at least have a pretty damn good idea, before getting that call. I’m only human after all.
Today I am filled with the hope of everything that could be. And while I am well aware of the fears that can follow pregnancy after infertility and loss, today I am dreaming of the baby I wish and pray has implanted in my womb. Our dream baby.
We never know what the future may bring. I can live with that. But as hopeful as I am, I’m also terrified of failure. I’m scared of being enveloped by that emptiness. But I’m trying not to be ruled by fear. I’m trying to embrace the anticipation of the moment, of possibility. So for today, the first of a brand new year, I will sit with the unknown, I will live the unknowable. And tomorrow will be a brand new day…