brand new day

And so it begins.  2008.  A brand new year, ripe with new possibilities, new opportunities.  Always a good time for new beginnings, new hope.  Or maybe today is merely just another day?   As we embark on yet another year, we sit at the threshold of the future.  But everything is about to shift. 

2008 is the year in which I will turn 39.  This spring marks 6 years since my first hoohah surgery, 4 years since we’ve been trying to create a baby, and 2 years since we lost our only child halfway through pregnancy.  
Last year saw more than its fair share of sadness too.  And while I have so many hopes and dreams for 2008, I have been through enough to know better than to truly believe this year will be different.  

In a way we have never really made it to this point before, the brink of knowing once and for all whether we will become parents.  We’ve been through 
many cycles of trying, yes.  But this was our first and only IVF attempt.  The best chance we’ve had to make a baby since I was pregnant 2 years ago.  This is our greatest and last hope.  And while we may be lucky enough to try an FET if it fails, we know this is our best shot.  So as we near the end of this long 2ww, we are at once the closest we have been in years and also maybe the farthest we will ever be from having a child.  We are nearing the moment in which everything changes.  

Today I am torn.  I am filled with hope, but also plagued by 
fear.

I am filled with gratitude for what I have in my life.  I am humbled by the love of a wonderful man.  When I look deep into my heart or out into the horizon, there is no place I’d rather be than by his side.  And I know how lucky I am to have someone whose love sustains me through the darkest moments.  And who can make me laugh when I need it most.  

At the same time there is this unquenchable longing that even the Amazing M can not satisfy.  This primal urge.  No amount of nurturing one’s partner (or pet or plant) can fulfill the fundamental need to mother a real living, breathing child.  No matter how full our life is with love and laughter, sometimes I feel like I could drown in the emptiness that surrounds us.   That sadness still lies just under the surface. 

The brink of a new year is a strange time to be stuck in the 2ww.  This one especially, knowing how very BIG it is.  How much is invested.  How high our hopes.  How far we’d fall…  

And so today I join everyone who has ever had to ask themselves, “to pee or not to pee?”  Tomorrow is 11dp3dt and I should be able to get an accurate reading on the plastic stick that anxiously awaits my early morning pee, given the dosage of hCG I was given.  Of course my RE wants me to wait until my beta on Friday (13dp3dt).  The Amazing M would probably also rather I wait until the more accurate blood test before becoming elated or discouraged.  Though he says to do what I need to do.  But for many of the 
reasons you have all so eloquently articulated, I don’t want to learn the news (good or bad) from a stranger on the phone (or even from my wonderful nurse).  No, I’m pretty sure I need to know, or at least have a pretty damn good idea, before getting that call.  I’m only human after all.

Today I am filled with the hope of everything that could be.  And while I am well aware of the fears that can follow pregnancy after infertility and loss, today I am dreaming of the baby I wish and pray has implanted in my womb.  Our dream baby. 

We never know what the future may bring.  I can live with that.  But as hopeful as I am, I’m also terrified of failure.  I’m scared of being enveloped by that emptiness.  But I’m trying not to be ruled by fear.  I’m trying to embrace the anticipation of the moment, of possibility.  So for today, the first of a brand new year, I will sit with the unknown, I will live the unknowable.  And tomorrow will be a brand new day… 

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~ by luna on January 1, 2008.

5 Responses to “brand new day”

  1. Argh. I hate the decision of to pee or not to pee. If you’re family with my POAS-aholic tendencies, you know what I’d do. But honestly, I don’t think that my way is right. It can lead to a lot of craziness.

    I hope you are able to find a decision that YOU are comfortable with. Either way, I am so excited for you and the good things that are coming your way!!!!!

  2. To pee or not to pee…who knew the angst such a question would bring? I have stored all my pee sticks downstairs for now, knowing that I’ll be too lazy to go down and get them. I’m with you though on knowing before you get the phone call.

    I’ll be thinking good thoughts the rest of this week and hoping Friday brings a joyous start to 08 for you

  3. I don’t know you but I have been checking in regularly. I truly, truly hope that this works out for you and your husband. The dilemma of to test or not to test is a killer. I wouldn’t be able to wait. I would have to be prepared for whatever news was coming.

    I will be keeping everything crossed and hoping like crazy for you that this time next year you will have your babe in your arms.

  4. I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again – I really do wish you every success. Am sending you the best of vibes & hoping that they may make a difference!

  5. I just realized that I left a comment on an earlier post – the Open Letter. It was phenomenal, really.

    I really appreciated this post. Isn’t it truly amazing how terrible one year can be? 2006 was shitty for me and I thought that 2007 could only get better…only to find that it COULD get worse. Good riddance to both of those years!!

    I hope, with all of my heart, that 2008 will be better. And hang on – the 2ww is so so cruel….

    XOXO

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