name that fear

The 2ww is a real bitch.  Playing with your mind like a big tease, at once holding out the promise of a dream and at the same time taunting and yanking it away before you’ve even had the chance to savor it for the simplest moment.  Yeah, there’s no way around it.  Unless you’re someone who really gets off on the anticipation of the thing alone without remaining invested in the magnitude of the outcome, I don’t see how anyone could enjoy the dreaded 2ww.

For me, this time its like no other.  Sure, I’ve been invested before, I’ve wanted it more than anything.  I’ve hoped and prayed, dreamed, meditated, wished, cried and begged.  I’ve tried to will that god forsaken line on that stupid pee stick.  Anything but that blinding blank whiteness,
please!

But we’re beyond that now.  We finally gave up on the idea that the Amazing M and I can create a baby on our own, and we handed over this critical task to the best that science and technology can offer.  Making the decision to do IVF was not as hard as I thought it would be.  The choice seemed clear.  This is our best and likely only chance to have a biological child.  In truth, it may be our only chance to have a child at all.  So
no, not much riding on this cycle, eh?

I was tired of hope.  Hope alone just wasn’t cutting it.  I needed a
chance.  I knew this was it.  But before we took this leap of faith, I needed some mental conditioning.  I had to dig deep and purge all negativity.  

And so I filled my mind and heart with positive thoughts and feelings.  I visualized my follicles growing into mature, healthy eggs.  I envisioned the Amazing M’s sperm healthy and strong as they burrowed into my ready-ripe eggs.  I pictured embryonic cells multiplying perfectly.  I imagined those embryos implanting deep into my lush fertile uterine wall, where they would just
grow grow grow.  Beyond that, I saw myself late into pregnancy, and finally cradling that magnificent bundle of baby in my arms, the Amazing M by my side, both us us crying tears of joy…  Beautiful, yes?

Sure, there were some concerns along the way.  But I never let anything get me down.  This time everything would work, everything would fall right into place.  

Yet now, here I sit, barely 4 days into the 2ww (4dp3dt), and I can’t escape that nagging fear.  The
big fear  — the one we would not speak of, the one I refused to explore, the one that lies beneath the surface and hangs over our heads — what if this fails?  What the hell are we going to do if this doesn’t work?

The truth is I still don’t know.  I can’t bear the thought.  Sure, we may be lucky to try an FET or two, but in the end, it could all fail.  And we would be left with nothing but each other (I know, it could be worse).  Some day we might have other options.  But until then, there would be no hope, no chance — just broken hearts and shattered dreams.  I honestly don’t know how I will live with that.  I know we’re not the first couple to face these fears.  I wouldn’t be the only woman who dreamed of being a mother but could not.  But in reality, I’m not sure how much comfort I could take from this sad truth.  

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~ by luna on December 26, 2007.

7 Responses to “name that fear”

  1. The 2ww gives us far too much time to be engulfed by both our deepest hopes and fears. So much is riding on it and there’s almost literally nothing we can do except wait.

    I hope the time goes quickly and the result is exactly what you want.

  2. the 2ww is entirely too long. It gives us WAY too much time to think. And all that damn progesterone we’re takng doesn’t help either!

    I hope the rest of the time goes by quickly for you…and of course ends positively

  3. What a great post. I think my biggest fear as we approach our first IVF isn’t the extra shots/the retrieval, etc. It’s the pressure of how Big and Important it’s all going to be. How MUCH it’s going to need to work that time. More than any other. I wish they could just keep you under the anasthesia for the 2ww…

    Hang in there! Hoping you get some very good news soon.

  4. While misery may love company I’m quite sure not being miserable is better. I’ve never done IVF so I can’t give you any veteran advice, and perhaps, whatever I say should just be ignored on that basis alone. Regardless, my honest-to-goodness instinct is to live in the happy thoughts right now.

  5. Thanks for writing about all of that. I’m sure that you’re echoing so many of my thoughts in that and making them sound much more eloquent than I ever could. Good thoughts coming your way and I really hope you get what you’re waiting for.

  6. Oh! I think 4 DPT was when I had MY freakoutI would like to title “I am absolutely SURE this did not work.” I was a MESS that day, which only made me realize how AWFUL it would be if that beta was negative. And since we are very much still “in the woods” and haven’t even gotten our second beta results, I am still in that wait. I am praying that it works for BOTH OF US.

  7. I know that fear so well, the fear of having tried it all and in the end it just being me and my husband, which as you say is a lot but still it is so frightening. I hope this 2WW goes fast and brings good news and that all your positive visualisation comes true.

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