digging deeper…

OK, so a dear friend of mine took a look at my new blog and said she wanted more.  Not just the facts, but what I’m thinking, how I’m feeling, about the road I’ve traveled… She’s hoping I’ll reveal more about me (while still protecting my identity).  Thank you, dear friend, for reminding me why I started this blog.  (How soon we forget – it’s only been a few days!)  See, my tendency is to convey the facts, to detach from my experience enough to report on it.  Maybe this is sort of a survival tactic – if I went around feeling everything all the time, I think I’d explode.  But since this is intended to be a real outlet – a way to process those inner feelings and hopes and fears – I will try to dig a little deeper…  

How do I convey with words the magnitude of my emotions?  The enormous weight of my heavy heart and empty arms?   I honestly don’t know.  I know that nothing in the world can diminish so primal an urge as to create a new life.  To gaze into the luminous eyes of a child and see the reflection of your shared love.   To enter the ancient rite of passage into motherhood.  To nurture and cherish a being of your creation.  Above all, the innate instinct and drive to parent, to protect and love a child, however that child enters your lives and hearts.  Nothing can fill that void.  

And so we take this leap.  of faith.  of hope.  of chance.  I am obviously excited about this IVF.  I think it may truly be the best chance we’ve had in years to conceive a child.  I was eager to start the protocol and I get excited to see those ultrasounds.  I try to envision each follicle as a fully mature egg being fertilized, then dividing beautifully, then finding its way to the most exquisitely fertile spot in my womb where it will burrow in deep for a just the right length of time and grow perfectly into our beautiful and healthy baby… 

Of course there are so many fears.  That my eggs are scrambled or won’t fertilize.  That our embryos will be poor quality.  That I’ll miscarry.  That this will fail.  Until we started this, deep in the back of my mind was a horrible nagging teasing, “but what if it doesn’t work?”  The truth is I don’t know what we’ll do.  I honestly don’t know how I’ll get through.  But before we began, I promised myself and the Amazing M (and also this same friend) that I would think only positive thoughts.  That I would erase all doubt from my mind.  That I would put every ounce of faith in my RE’s vast knowledge and experience.  That I would give this every chance to work by believing it would work.  Not just that it could work, that it would work.  That it really better work.  Or else…I don’t really know what…  

I think many of you who have been down this road know what I’m feeling right now.  Don’t you? 

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~ by luna on December 13, 2007.

3 Responses to “digging deeper…”

  1. Just popped over from Lost & Found to lend my support. I am so sorry for your previous loss, and really hope that this cycle of IVF works out for you.

  2. Just found you through Lost and Found. I am just getting to the transfer phase of IVF. It’s been such an exciting time (if a bit emotional and sometimes uncomfortable) and I really can’t believe how fast it has gone. Once you get to the stimulation phase, it moves quickly! I am sorry that you’ve had such a rough journey to get this far. I can’t wait to celebrate the good times ahead with you!

  3. Found you from Lost & Found, and just wanted to wish you the very best of luck. And, yes, I do know just a bit of what you’re feeling right now.

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