the space between

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Ironic, isn’t it, that just as I’m nominated for excellence” in blogging, I seem virtually unable to form thoughts into words. It’s pretty rare that I’m without much to say. There is usually no shortage of words. Sure, sometimes I opt to keep my mouth shut, but always thoughts are swirling or lingering, just waiting to be articulated. So I’ll try, and just maybe I can release some of what’s flying around up there…

I think I’m feeling overwhelmed by the magnitude of our next step. I’ve only just begun the protocol for the 
FET. But I believe with the odds stacked against us that this is truly our last hope of becoming parents. There are no more options for us. There will be no more chances. There is so much at stake. I’m afraid to invest my heart. But I cannot remain entirely detached. The longing is inescapable, embedded deep within my being. And it will not suddenly end if this fails. My mind is painfully aware of the reality that this is it. Either it works or it doesn’t. There are no guarantees.

I feel like I’m holding my breath. I feel stuck in this strange space because I know that what comes next will change our lives forever. For better or worse. It will just be. I think I’ve become
immobilized by this reality. Or at least my words are. That’s the only way I can describe it…

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~ by luna on February 17, 2008.

18 Responses to “the space between”

  1. Ah … I’ve been stuck in that space, so I can completely relate. And it’s only natural to find yourself hesitant to “feel” anything (hope, apathy, whichever …) But just don’t forget to breathe … and keep writing. That’s what’s been keeping me moving forward.

    Big HUGS to you!

  2. Oh Luna, I am hoping so much that this works out well, that 2008 is a good, easy simple year for you. Thinking of you so much. This is so scary to go through.

  3. It’s really difficult to hear ANYTHING in the vacuum, let alone your own thoughts. The words will come, you’ll have things to say…mostly because you’ve never been in this particular place before. Once the overwhelming nature of right here morphs into the reality of right here, you’ll have so many thoughts you’ll have trouble deciding on them.

    I’m thinking of you and hoping for great things.

  4. Luna, thanks so much for your comment and for this post. Hard as I try, I am having a little trouble emotionally investing in my first FET as well. Simply because I had so much invested in my last cycle (and the one before that and….) If it didn’t happen then, then when? I can understand your absence of words. But Emily has some fantastic advice. Breathe deep, keep writing…

    All the best.

  5. I totally get ya. I bet a lot of us do.
    Do what feels right for you — of course, we’d love it if you post, but if it makes you feel better not to, then don’t. Seriously, do what you can for you right now.

  6. I think the pressure is just too much. It is only right to feel the way you do but is so hard to keep going.
    I understand, I wish I didn’t.
    Of course I am hoping it all goes fantastically well, but in the meantime I hope you are able to find some peace.

  7. It is so overwhelming for you right now, understandably. We are all in your corner and hoping for the best. Just post when you can.

    (BTW, your posts are so great that they last me for awhile. Sometimes, I cannot keep up with you because you post so often and your posts give me so much to think about!)

    Just take care of yourself right now and know you have a lot of people pulling for you.

    Luna, how can I ask this without offending you? Please know I am asking this without intention to offend or upset…but why do you think this is your last hope for parenthood? Please know this is a question without judgment or opinion. I truly just want to understand your situation. Are you opposed to donor eggs, surrogacy, adoption? I know we are the only ones who can make our own choices and decide what we can or cannot handle. Also, there are certainly financial concerns. And I completely respect what you are saying, but since I am (relatively) new to your blog, I was just hoping you could provide some insight – to the extent you feel comfortable doing that of course. Please, please forgive me if I am being at all insensitive. Because I don’t mean to be. And if you don’t want to answer this question, that’s cool.

    Again, my thoughts are with you. Please take care of yourself. Thanks again for sharing your experience. I am praying this FET becomes your miracle.

  8. Hoping so much for you!

  9. first, thank you all for your good wishes.

    angela, I’m not offended by your question. it’s natural to want to know why. it’s when people impose their own views/opinions that I’d take offense. of course the full answer is too complicated to give here, so I’ll try to give the short version for now.

    I’ve struggled with multiple fertility issues for years now, one thing after another, problems I never even knew we had. it’s not just one thing that could be “fixed” or overcome, though we’ve tried. I’ve had multiple surgeries to fix uterine and tubal issues, I take herbs and do acu to promote healthy eggs, I’ve taken meds to regulate my hormones, my hub does everything for his count/motility.

    yet it’s become clear that I’m no going to get pregnant on my own, no matter how delusional I may be in any given month…

    we thought IVF/ICSI would give us the best shot to overcome our structural issues (my tubes, his morph). we had a great response, but my uterus has still been through a lot and hasn’t yet proven she can handle a healthy pregnancy. my RE was very encouraging since I got pregnant once before. but now my eggs are nearly 39, though my RE believes they are not the problem.

    unfortunately finances are a huge barrier for us. we’re already in big debt. we had to make some very hard choices about IVF vs. adoption. to me, it’s not an either-or thing. I wish we could have pursued both. (when we realized I’d face issues with #1, we thought we’d adopt our 2nd child…) ultimately, we thought IVF could work and didn’t want to regret NOT trying it, for obvious reasons. and we weren’t sure we could handle even more years of uncertainty waiting for (and investing in every way in) an adoption that might not happen. of course this is an over-simplification of a complex issue, with costs further complicating matters.

    we pursued IVF knowing we could do it only once, and we hoped to have the option for a future FET (preferably for a sibling, but to try again if it failed). even if I was ready to give up on my old ute and try surrogacy, we couldn’t afford it. the truth is, if we had unlimited funds, I’d probably keep trying IVF AND pursue adoption. I can’t say we’d have any different result in the end. but we certainly would have some options and some hope. instead we are nearing the end of our line, quite literally… ~luna

  10. Oh Luna, I cried reading your comment-post (responding to my previous comment).

    Thank you so much for sharing your reasons with me. You have been so through much. Of course I knew that before… I fucking hate that we are forced to make such difficult choices.

    I get it, and I am right behind you supporting you every step of the way. I don’t want you thinking about “what ifs” right now anyway. Your FET deserves all your love and energy and devotion.

    All of this said, I wanted to mention that since money is a concern, as it is for everyone who goes through this, including me, I have a secret unconventional IVF “financial plan” in the pocket – my husband thinks I am crazy, but I don’t care (I promise, it does not involve prostitution). If you are at all interested in finding out about it, email me at uterusofthedamned@gmail.com (But then, you will probably think I am crazy too). Even so, you will not need this piece of info since the FET will work, I have to believe that.

    Notwithstanding my non-sensical talk about IVF plans, this is actually me respecting, supporting, and cheering you on (sorry I’m not doing the best job at it) regarding your decision to make this FET the final stop on your difficult fertility journey.

    I hope and pray to the universe that this FET cycle results in the baby(ies) you and the Amazing M have dreamed of. Please God, Buddha Universe, et al, MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

    Keep on holding your breath and believing that when you finally do exhale, it will be because there will no longer be any stop signs in your way – only green lights. No matter what happens with the FET, I have no doubt that you’ll be travelin’ down the road of life with Amazing M, finding adventure and love, which will take you to all kinds of places.

  11. I saw this play in college called The Man Who Stopped. And, I think, when the stakes are high, there is a part of us that just stops. That stands in the experience and while other parts of our body and mind keep moving, this single space is frozen. It was the perfect title.

    I’m just sending so many good thoughts for this cycle.

  12. I hope your lives are changed forever in the best way.

  13. [...] and shot The other day I wrote about feeling at a loss for words. Blocked. Then of course something happened that made me feel forever infertile, and I had to [...]

  14. I can very much relate to this ache. I can only hope it won’t always feel like this, like that. Thinking of you.

  15. [...] on science to manipulate my body, begging her to accept some newly thawed embryos to give us our last chance for one living child? The truth as we know is nothing goes according to plan. In fact, this post [...]

  16. [...] for $700. My car died yesterday, after putting about $1000 worth of work into it. It’s an old beater, and thankfully it was just the battery (which was only $130 to replace) but still. Annoying and [...]

  17. How interesting to look at this from a year ahead.

    Think of how far you’ve travelled from this sentence:

    “I’m afraid to invest my heart.”

    Here’s to milestones, my friend :-)

  18. [...] lately she’s been feeling the heat, starting to leak, giving me problems. She’s an old beater now, though she still may have a long life left for some patient soul who doesn’t mine [...]

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